ex girlfriend starts sleeping with other guys

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by end_it_for_good, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

    So. my ex and i have been broken up for about 2 years. we stayed very close friends. now she is starting to finally get out and date again and sleep with people. This seems healthy for her.

    it's utterly wrecked me. i feel so confused and distraught and cant figure out how to be her friend still. it's confused me how much i've gotten harmed by this. it makes me feel incredibly inadequate. my dating life is in its infancy and i feel so small in comparison. i feel like a small shriveled person.

    i don't want to lose her as a friend, she's the closest i have. we've been through a lot over more than a decade. thinking of her with some new guy whom she has 'feelings' for sends me into an obsessive rut. i feel like the best option is to pull away, but that feels like losing a best friend, almost sister. i don't know what to do.
    Xiandan and captainteemo like this.
  2. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Tell her it is harder for you than you imagined. You want to support her new relationships and her best interests and for this reason you are going to have to take some space. Then leave her alone and get on with your life. Once in an emotional healthy place you can always reconnect, no harm no foul.

    Good friends are always good friends, time doesn't kill that. Take some.
  3. Ilovemyself

    Ilovemyself Fapstronaut

    I think you need to stop being her friend for now.
  4. Bashi

    Bashi Fapstronaut

    You basically said it yourself: Get away.

    The relationship between you and her has ended a long time ago. You won't be able to fully move forward when you hurt yourself witnessing whatever she does. You two aren't sharing a path anymore. Make the cut and move on. It'll help your recovery, help you to grow as a person and gain independence. Good luck.
  5. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

    man, i've totally been in your shoes. i promise you that having an at least 90 days streak will help you find your emotional independence again!
  6. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

    You should go no-contact on her.
    Basically total radio silence. Not for her, not to get her back etc. But for your own recovery.
    The quickest way to accept it and find out if you can be her friend in the future is to distance yourself for a while.
    + I'm sure if you've known each other for such a long time she'll understand.
    Deleted Account and KingGray like this.
  7. It is possible for guys and girls to be just friends but it sounds like you want something more.. Staying friends with someone you still have feelings for is never the wave. You are just going to end up resentful. I've been there before so I know how you feel! It's going to hurt but you need to move on, you'll eventually get over her. You deserve happiness.
    Robbiebob and Ra's Al Ghul like this.
  8. lamstronger

    lamstronger Fapstronaut

    Is it worth to have her as a friend if she makes you feel this way?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    Personally, I think the whole being friends with an ex in general is a bit of a cop-out. You can't really remain just friends with someone you've had more intimate a relationship with and then break up with all that entails. staying friends is a way of saying, i don't really want to burn bridges especially since we might see each other again and it will be more awkward, and I'm partly a coward because i should just say goodbye, but can't, so...let's be friends.
    That's my opinion.
  10. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    Best thing is to make a clean break, unless you want to hear all the heart wrenching details regarding the men she is dating.
  11. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Does she have any idea you're feeling this way? If not, why not?

    It's cool that you guys had a smooth enough breakup that you're still able to maintain somewhat of a friendship. I think it shows that you're mature enough to not take things like this personally, and it sounds like she might be the same way.

    Having said that, you don't have to deal with this pain. If you really feel that horrible, try telling her about it. You don't have to use the same words you used in this post necessarily, but it might do you a lot of good to just tell her that this has been really hard for you. After that, I'd advise taking some time to just focus on yourself. Distance yourself from your ex girlfriend for a little while. It doesn't need to be harsh. It doesn't need to be a dramatic severance of contact. Just let her know that you care about her very much, that you value your friendship with her, but that you need some space. If she really is a good friend, she'll understand, and she won't be hurt. Do things that you love doing on your own, and stay focused on your recovery from porn. Set some time aside to do at least one thing per day that makes you happy and doesn't involve her. It doesn't mean the end of your friendship with her, it just means you're doing what you need to do to make sure you're not suffering. If you take some time for yourself and really heal some of those wounds you're describing, and if she really is as good of a friend as you're saying she is, she'll still be there when you recover from all of this.

    If you do all of that and she blows you off, then just remember that there are lots of people out there who are way more worth your time. You sound like you're a really caring, honest, and sweet person. Don't use all of that up on someone who doesn't value it.

    You'll get through this, man. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to just let them go.
    Eleanor likes this.
  12. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

    Thanks. This is how i'm treating it currently. I think we are going to stay good friends. I just need to pull back and focus on my life. I need work on my own social life and dating life.

    It's actually been a really healing experience for me to see that i need to work on my dating relationships more than really obstaining from pmo. I don't think i need to remove sex from my life. I think i just have a problem jerking off and watching porn because i'm craving the real thing. So seeing how upset she made me, makes me realize i need to work hard on my own social life. So I'm doing just that.
    Xiandan and Deleted Account like this.
  13. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Sounds like a plan. Friendship is important, but you can't be a good friend to her if you feel miserable every time you're around her. Focus on your life, as you said.

    Be careful with that mindset. It's important to focus on your relationships, but it's also really important to abstain from PMO. If it goes unchecked, PMO will become a cycle you struggle to break free from. It will blur the lines in your life, infecting your relationships, your work, and your well-being. Of course, that doesn't happen to everybody who uses porn, but why take that risk?

    No, you don't. Sex with someone you trust and care about is healthy. It's a great bonding experience, and it can even be a deeply spiritual one. However, remember that porn is not the same thing as sex. It is a substitute, and it does more damage than it does good.
    Xiandan likes this.
  14. overclocked

    overclocked Fapstronaut

    Exes are bad friends. You had better cut the contact on good terms and forget about her.
    Robbiebob and Deleted Account like this.
  15. RamboErecto

    RamboErecto Fapstronaut

    You need to understand as it name says: "Ex"

    that woman has nothing to do in your life
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. Airtias

    Airtias Fapstronaut

    Do the little trick I use when I think of or see my ex's with others. I literally say to myself "I want them to be happy and find someone who is good for them". Don't focus on your relationship with her and it's short comings. Focus on how much you want her to be happy.
  17. Dwayne "the rock" Johnsons ex wife is his manager and her new husband is his trainer, so obviously it's possible. Don't think of it as her upgrading you, some people are just not meant for each other. Honestly I have girls that I would bang in an instant at work and am great friends with though would never get into a relationship with. You're not her keeper man, support her and maybe she'll help you down the road.
  18. captainteemo

    captainteemo Fapstronaut

    Maybe you will find this not true, but trust me. there is enough fish in the sea for every man there are 3 women waiting she is not the only one there.

    I understand she is a close friend but you have to move on and also choose your own path in life.

    "Dont give women attention and they will come to you"

  19. But you probably should. Ex's usually make the worse sort of friends.
  20. Coolyorky

    Coolyorky Fapstronaut

    I’d never be friends with an ex. You’re obviously holding feelings for her still. Let go mate. Do some things to make yourself realise your worth. The gym, running, any type of training no matter what, new clothes, fancy watch, new hair style. It’s called peacocking. Being a little flashy for the dating scene. Once you meet another bird you won’t feel as bad. She isn’t feeeling bad is she. She’s printed herself a dick ticket brother
    Deleted Account and captainteemo like this.

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