Ex guy came back and left started losing control with s., advice from guys

I am a 28 year old woman. i have been sober since a year and a half (stopped watching p). my first reboot that lasted a year started few months after this ex guy left me 3 years ago. he left me for another girl that started dating at least 2 months before he left me officially. she became a gf to him

i loved him but we never talked about exclusivity. i knew he was sleeping around, we mostly had s and spent time at my house and sometimes grabbing drinks out

I found a message request from a stranger's fb. it was him about a week ago. his main profile is still blocked on my fb. saying he misses me and tried to forget me but could not and wants to re-live all and do it better, more chill time, says he misses the silly person i was. he says he misses it all, not just the s.

hours before we meet (i agreed to it coz i was curious and thought i would have not felt anything, i moved on, i had been with other guys even though they were insanely short attempt of a relationship), he says that everything is gonna be alright, it is gonna be awkward but after 30 minutes it is gonna be ok. i was showing some doubts to him about meeting

we meet for a drink and i dunno it was like time didn't pass. he looked pretty much the same and at some point in the pub i started caressing his face. i couldn't believe he came back to me. he was supposed to drop me off at my place but we stopped at some point after talking and joking like old times and we qwere at his place. we went to bed and we had s.

he was so sweet, we were cuddling, hugging and holding hands and fell asleep. it was beautiful. much better than the s. (he did not try to kiss me, i remember him stopped kissing me the last period of our relationship coz i had bad breath and i still have same problem that came back again). basically i wasn't turned on and i was so dry and i had pain, he had to stop several times but we did it 4/5 times (he finished twice, was it bad for him? also i had just one smelly armpit at some point)

the morning he gave me some biscuits and we washed together and he was so sweet, we were joking the whole time. but mainly i spoke about my work, i felt i was boring. recently i spoke or meet with other exes and i noticed i am boring with them too. my life is not interesting, don't have much to say

when it came to dropping me off he was going to say see you soon but i stopped him and saying he was going to block me again (3 years ago he left me when we met few months later, he was with another later i found out, had s, with me and blocked me less than an hour later)

this time he told me then take care and i left his car. he then texted me at 4pm:
Hi (short version of my name),
Just wanted to say thankyou for meeting me. I had an amazing night and morning. It made me realise how much i have missed you.

It felt good and it felt right.

But i can see where this will end up going and i can also see that i will once again break your heart. I dont want to stop seeing you however i know the feelings will grow and then it will end up with a huge heartbreak.

You might not agree with me, you might think im the biggest asshole but i told you lastnight this time i will be 100% honest with you and thats what im doing now.

I really really like you and really enjoy spending time with you but i know we are not for eachother we are from different worlds, i know for sure that if we continue to see eachother i will break your heart and i cant do that again yesterday you made me realise what i put you through and i refuse to do that to you again.

Just know that you will always have a special place in my heart. I have never been with another (from my country) girl in my life and thats also another reason i wont forget you.

I do still want to see you and spend time with you but i know how the ending will be and i really dont want to upset you again. If i didnt care about you i would continue seeing you but this time i care and this time i refuse to let you down.

I thankyou for seeing me yesterday i missed the times we had, i know we can have soo much more quality time together but our destinies are completely different. Take care of yourself and if you ever need somethin or someone to talk to im here for you.i just cant do the same mistake again you dont deserve it and you are a good person deep down."

I texted him back saying he is the only guy i ever loved. i am confused but a part of me still wanna see him. that it was special to me seeing him, he still feels home. that i thought he was going to block me again and did not want to suffer again. that waking up with him felt like a dream. but i am afraid to trust him. what if you won't be there to talk with me? please i need you in my life

he read it straight away but no reply. that made me lose control and re- started some uncontrolled s. it all started with another guy i last saw on my birthday. i thought we were still on (after 3 weeks) but then he told me he got a gf and can't see me anymore but we can still be friends (after i asked him). he told me it did not look i wanted a real relationship. told him we never talked about that, maybe i wanted but didn't want to get rejected and now it was too late. we met on my bday, that meant something. he replied "shit"

3 days later i met with my ex from 3 years ago, we had s. then after he texted that heartbreaking stuff. i texted another ex (after a year and a half we did not see, and all the time he says we are very different, not on the same wavelenght. it is true)but we met and had s. then i texted this last ex for having kept me company. he was sweet as well, we cuddled and fell asleep hugging. i needed comfort

i am so lost and out of control. so basically in 3 weeks i had s. with 3 different exes. i need help. the ex from 3 years shocked me. i need to see him again, how to? he has to say these things to me face to face, i deserve that. he was supposed to stay forever and never leave me again, he texted ME. the other ex i had s. with next day i wanted him to text me, cannot really have s. in a detached way

i wonder do i really love this ex from 3 years ago or it was just the memory of something lost or because we had s.? there is no future with the other ex i had s. the
next day (s. with him was same, i was super dry and feeling pain, i didn't want to be kissed because of my problem with my current breath. this time i even tried to m thinking about past s. while he was in the living room but still dry as desert)

i also texted another ex and last time we texted 6 months ago i told him i wish i never met him and that i hated him. not even sure if he remembers me, i had to text him on another profile, he still has me blocked on mine and i asked if he wanted to hang out as friends, no reply he just read it

i was thinking to truly stop s. for a while. i am 28 and still struggling in creating a relationship, it still is such a foreign concept and don't know how to approach it. i can't have s, and being emotionless. but i need to see this ex from 3 years ago again. how can? if i improve for a month or 2 then i text and then hopefully he wants to meet, we talk about it and i let him go if it is not meant to be. i thought the fact he missed me even after 3 years meant he was the one, the future father of my children. i feel so numb, truly no tears left to cry and i am still in shock for what happened this week. Hell broke loose and the s. addict in me came out

what does the long text this ex from 3 years ago mean? does he still want to see me if i text? he has not blocked me. why he said he is there for me if i ever need someone to talk. i need someone to talk to now. if we became friends? it was hard for me to process him leaving me 3 years ago. if some exes could stay in my life in some capacity that would be better for me, easier for me to manage instead of another abandoment to deal with

 

Thanks for your message

I had the strength to stop contraceptive pills yesterday so I can't have sex anymore. If I kept having s with exes or another guy in general now, I was risking relapse (no way I am gonna relapse ever otherwise everything would fall apart like domino effect) . I have been able to go back to self control

Yesterday I vomited 3 times, but I was with a friend, it helped me talking with him. We had a wise and deep conversation. It was so great. Made me happy honestly

I can't believe I had s with 2 exes in 2 days. It's a very low point. The ex from 3 years ago also said he missed the s we had, my smell and how smooth my skin is, the time we spent, me making him tea in the morning at my former place

I already blocked one ex (the one I texted and apologised for saying I wish I never met when angry, he was overall good to me) but I need a fresh start. Exes are not healthy, even trying to be friends is a bad idea, now I see it

I will delete the other 2 exes'numbers too. But I need to see the ex from 3 years ago. He has to say these things to my face. Then this will be more likely the end and I will block him too after we talked

It is important for me to walk out with my head up especially with this ex that motivated my journey to sobriety. I am getting back to be myself but how can I meet up with him again?