Ex guy wanted to be friends but why?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by green lion eating the sun, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. I dated this guy for a month (we had s. twice too). 1 week after we had s. the 2nd time he sent me a long text saying basically that he did like me as a friend and thought he could go more than that but he doesn't like me in this way. that he doesn't want me to feel bad about myself, that what happened was genuine even if he would rather be a friend. first time i ever been friendzoned. we are both 27

    i have bad breath again and i think the main reason for him to cut it with me was this one. so long story short, we hung out twice as "friends". first time was very awkward, he was cold, didn't even shake hands with me and didn't want any physical contact. That hurt me, that he felt disgusted by me when a week earlier we were in bed together. i went to a corner and cried after 5 minutes i saw how coldly he greeted me

    then he melted a bit more later that day and he looked at my chest several times (it was hidden by large jumper and scarf) even after i caught him looking there. he said stuff like "i bought these gloves there and i also buy underwear in this same shop", i thought the underwear comment was inappropiate if he wanted to be friends now. he was shocked i sat in front of him instead of next him in the train, but he didn't make any move

    then 2nd time was my bday (i really wanted to spend my bday with him when i was still dating him). he agreed, gave me a bday card and he wrote inside "best wishes (his name)". he looked down at my chest a couple of times. insitinctly i touched a bit his cheeks while we were at a coffee shop and he let me do that. he said i could talk about my exes. he tried to talk about a girl, i asked him if he was flirting with her and he got the message i was irritated by that

    He texted me after and then on Christmas I sent him wishes but he didn't look interested in the conversation. his answers were forced. when i asked him the gifts he got he replied with what he got and hours later asked me if i got anything nice

    now, i promised in this new year to stop chasing people but i would like to see him. i don't know why he said he wanted to be friends when from the last messages he doesn't look he is glad to hear from me. why he looked down at my chest but didn't want to be touched by me first time we met as friends. if he is still attracted to me or that is dead. he didn't even wish me happy new year. i kinda miss hanging out with him and talking

    what does his behaviour mean?
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
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  2. Hey there green lion!

    Ok, first of all, I don't know what he's up to. But maybe I still can give you some "hints".
    It would be good for you to know his true motives for "friendzoning" you oc. But it may even better to know what you yourself want. Also you can judge him by his actions.
    I don't understand. Do you mean the "s."?
    He probably was so cautious with physical contact bc he wanted to avoid arousal and sexual escalation -> friendzone.
    I can understand that you felt hurt. But it sounds to me as if you wanted to provoke him to change his behavior by that (or didn't you cry before him?). If so, pushing his buttons like this is not the best behavior in a friendship (IMO).
    He probably still feels some sexual attraction to you.
    Ok, I'm assuming that the looks on your covered chest weren't "just looks" (as people tend to look away from faces/eyes somewhere sideways or down). He either thinks "it's still ok to check her out a bit" - while being bolder than before you both got intimate - or he doesn't think you're noticing or even can't control himself (not necessarily only because of his sex drive. Y'know, it becomes more difficult to not do such a thing as soon as you focus on avoiding it).
    Anyway, it were just glimpses, right? If he would go further than that it would mean crossing the friendship-line. Be cautious if that happens! Either he has changed his mind or he's playing some wicked game with you.
    But you expected him to make a move. Why should he?
    About the underwear: as a guy he probably see's only YOUR underwear as inappropiate to comment on (and arousing) not HIS, esp. when the context is 'shopping' not 'wearing'.

    If you take his words and the fact that you both already went that far, there's probably not much that you can do about the friendzone.
    As long as you don't think he's the one or something like this, you should either take the friendship or leave it.
    However it seems to be not very clear yet what's going on between you both and so it might become a romantic relationship after all.
    But still: don't chase him. Also don't torture yourself when it's not worth it.

    I hope I wasn't (too) jugdemental and that I could be of some help.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
    Buddhabro likes this.
  3. i meant that i think the main reason he said he would rather be a friend was due to my bad breath. partially my ego was hurt by his rejection (i never got friendzoned before) but mostly he hurt my heart, that is why i cried, i just couldn't hold back the tears and it was sudden, he didn't see me crying. a week before we were holding hands, dating, having s. and then he didn't even want to hug and i realized s. was emotioneless for him and that hurt me. that made me feel he was now disgusted by me

    if a guy wants to be my friend i assume he is not gonna check me out and if he does, he does not keep looking at my chest after i caught him. he wanted me to acknowledge that. that annoyed me. when he mentioned the underwear stuff, he def wanted me to think of him in underwear, he did it for that. i never had guy friends telling me where they buy those clothes. he also mentioned things happened while we were dating

    maybe he just wanted to be wanted by me and that is all. i dunno, sometimes i miss the intimacy i had with him while dating. i don't like i can't hold his hand anymore but i don't think he is the one for me. i still would like to be friends but last time i reached out he didn't seem interested in hearing from me even as a friend. it makes me feel he never liked me as a friend either honestly

    i am pretty lonely now, it is cold outside, i don't feel motivated to go out but he is the only person i would like to grab a cup of chocolate with so far (i am befriending some colleagues let's see with them, work is my life right now and im very busy with it and some other people i know are not bad), talking, that is all. i didnt make a move either. i feel it is better friend if he is not right for me. i just would like to talk with him, i mean it. would sound bad if i text him to ask how he is?
  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Ok here is my thought.

    Firstly, i dont really know either you or him. But from my experience, thre are two ways here. Either you want ot fight for him or not. Trust me, if you like this guy too much and don't try you will wonder what could have been for the rest of your life. Trust me, you don't want that. We have to live our lifes without any regrets and if you feel you regret that you didnt fight for him, then try that first.

    Even if bad breath is the reason why he doesnt want to be with you, there are always better ways to phrase that.

    And the fact that he is still around you like this could mean that he is emotionally immature, the way a lot of people are. Sometimes we aren't aware what kind of consequences our actions have towards others. I would bring up that he hurt you and why.
    And then, depending on how he acts and talks to you after you guys had this important talk on how both of you see this relationship, either try dating him again or walk away.
  5. OK, but do you have an idea of the reason of his behaviour from what I wrote in the first post of this thread? Plus he hasn't texted me since I texted him on Christmas but we are still friends on a social media. I thought he wanted to be my friend but he is not present even though I have most friends that I see rarely
  6. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    What i can tell you from my own experience... I was emotionally involved with a beautiful girl i had a really passionate affair with but the long distance made it impossible in the end. And it was too hard for me to let go so she gave me the greatest gift, telling me how much she enjoyed the time with me and that she will never forget me, but she moved on to someone else. And eventually blocked me on social media.

    It sounds harsh, but for me that one of the best things that could have happened in my life. Staying in contact with someone you know won't work out in the long run and you are emotionally involved in will just hurt you. The best thing for yourself is to quit the contact entirely, get through the pain and suffering and move on.
    The second you stay in contact your brain will trick you into trying to make it work, knowing it will never be.

    I told that girl the same. That i wanted to be friends. But that was a lie. I didnt know better at the time and didnt want to hurt her, by taking away our friendship and keeping the thought alive that we could still be together at some other point.
    Its bad. Trust me. Its better to sacrifice a friendship that is build from being lovers and move on then trying not to hurt someone.
    At that time, i needed her to be the emotionally strong one and help me. And she did.
    And it hurt like hell. But it set me free to move on to someone else. My mind is starting to be free again and soon will be.

    We can't be free if we cling on someone who we are emotionally involved with that isn't the right one for us.
    Some people are in our life for a reason. Some people are in our life for a season. Letting go is hard and must be learned.

    Forgive him, you can't expect everyone to be perfectly mature and knowing exactly what to do in every situation.
    Sometimes, people don't care.
    But sometimes, people just don't know how to deal with a situation in a better way.
  7. i didn't like him that much but i liked him, we dated for barely a month even though we had s twice. btw i re-thought about that and i won't text him. if someone will, it will be him. i think about my life, i won't chase anyone anymore. one of my main new year's resolution
  8. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Some will be worth fighting for, some won't. We go through life figuring out who is good for us. Those people are worth fighting for. And sex isnt just sex. It can be just physical but if you have a true connection to that person, its one of the most beautiful things on the planet.
    I wish you all the best for your future relationships, find the one(s) that is good for you.
  9. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

    Hey green lion dont think i saw u post for a while. Anyway

    Sounds like hes attracted to u but doesnt want to be in a relationship situation. Ideally he probably wants friends with benefits.

    In situations like this u also never know if he had a crush on someone before but fell for u in between that and is now confused. He could have put the breaks on u just so he didnt feel guilty about some other chick in his DMs lol.

    I'd suggest u keep ur distance till he is certain.
    need4realchg and Rehab101 like this.
  10. attraction though mostly went out of the window when he was tired of my bad breath, cannot blame him. i knew he is still attracted to me. at least he didn't tell me he was turned off by my bad breath, i appreciate that. last time we spoke was almost a month ago. he wants other girls. thing is i saw a couple of times while we were dating a notification and then i looked it up and it was a dating app

    nowadays trust issues are mandatory. people cheat and get tired, whenever i turn my head we are encouraged to download dating apps, ads everywhere about this, poison of real healthy, relationships between 2 faithful people. thankfully after a couple of years addicted to use one now it is not appealing to me anymore and i am immune to dating apps. if i am alone like now nobody can hurt me. my level of cynism has reached a new level. i won't text him anymore. not sure he will text me. so far we are still friends on a social media. i won't do anything about it
    need4realchg likes this.
  11. yesterday surprisingly he texted me and asked to go to a place together. i was quite happy to see his texts to be honest. i agreed and we met today. at some time i couldn't take it anymore (i didn't feel good and i was about to cry) and i finally had the courage to tell him i couldn't be friends with him, that irritates me imagining and having him talk about other girls. he didn't sound attracted to me maybe a bit, it made me feel awful. we sort of laugh a bit but i felt bad about the situation

    he said he likes me as a friend, that is why he asked to see me but he was looking once at his watch and smiling while looking at his phone (other girls for sure)or taking stupid pics of some drawings on the walls or his cup of coffee. he didn't make me feel he really appreciate being with me. after i told him i really couldn't be friends with him he then went to opposite side of the train station and said "bye" trying to long for something but i only replied "bye" back and went to my platform. i logged out now, arrived home, from the social media where we are still "friends" (we don't remember each other phones anymore, we talked mostly on this social media). he didn't text me anything. for a while, i wanna forget this social media and focus on work. i dunno what he wanted from me, why being friends? will he text me again?

    i added i regretted being with him, what for. other guys are attracted to me, at work too, it hurt me he looked mostly indifferent like i was his sister and we had s. the only thing i can think of is the bad breath but even in this i kept having s. with another ex for 6 months even if he stopped kissing me. it makes me feel unattractive. please someone can help to understand why he acted in this way today? I am hurt
  12. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    You have feelings for him and he obviously doesnt want a relationship. Block him on social media, block his number if you can and ignore him when you see him.

    I have been in your shoes and if you do have feelings towards him, this is the only way. It took me a good 1 and a half months to get over her. And only because she knew i couldnt be friends with her and she did the responsible thing and blocked me. I still think about her now and then but the feelings are mostly gone.

    IF you want a free life, get rid of everything that reminds you of him and move on.

    I deleted her number, then she blocked me on facebook and after that, I went so far as resetting my phone's keyboard memory so her nicknames can never accidentally pop up, deleted every single photo from her and us, and also deleted my facebook search suggestions.
    NOTHING is left that would make any contact possible.

    I am going to need some time to move on, you seem a bit less affected than i was.
    Take the time you need to be in pain and grief if you feel like it, dont suppress that
    Crying helped me a lot to become healthy again : )
    need4realchg likes this.
  13. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    On the internet, i can never tell whether someone is serious with those sort of jokes or not.

    Cause i get happy when i see texts from my friends.
    And i was happy getting texts from my girl while she was my girl.
    Cause that is how its supposed to be :emoji_upside_down:
  14. he used :emoji_wink: when he asked me to meet up 2 days ago. like when he wrote
    "if you want to join me at this event you are more than welcome :emoji_wink:"
    wasn't he flirty? i am so confused by him. he looked he wanted to stay friends even after i told him i couldn't. do you have any idea on the why?
  15. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    i was just talking about the picture in the post above me :S

    He wants to stay friends because he doesnt want to be with you and doesnt want to hurt your feelings. He is probably not emotionally involved at all.

    But you seem to be. Cut the connection and stop interpreting so much into his behaviour that shows you pretty clearly that he doesnt care for you the way you care for him.
    Rehab101 likes this.
  16. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    That sounds about right. He just wants you sexually when he wants it. So obvious.
  17. Obvious? but he didn't make a move or rarely touch me since "friends", he is cautious in that (even if last time i felt he maybe wanted to hug or slightly touch with hand shake or something when we met, it was awkward. also he rarely took the initiative when kissing etc.). to be honest it makes me feel he sees me ugly now (due to the bad breath, that i am curing) and any other girl for him is attractive. but when he asked me to hang out few days ago he wrote "if you want to join me at this event you are more than welcome :emoji_wink:" was it flirty or I misinterpreted? I am very confused
  18. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    He friend zone u. You are friends with benefit to him imo.
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  19. but friendzone is if the person is not attracted to you at all. he didn't make a move on me. sure he wants to still have s. with me? not that i want that, I want a bonding healthy full relationship. being rejected and feeling he views me as ugly now doesn't feel good though

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