Exactly one year after DDay 1 and still struggeling!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by StillDlmts, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. StillDlmts

    StillDlmts Fapstronaut

    (Excuse me for my bad English)

    Today is exactly 1 year ago that I caught Danny for the first time. What a year ago seemed like a totally exaggerated reaction on my part about a man who had watched porn for a while, that quickly turned into a huge cesspool that opened. It turned out not to be "watching porn once in a while", but it turned out to be a serious 8-year addiction. (Porn about 8 years, masturbation about 20 years!) Average 5 times a week. An average of 1.5 hours at a time. (Sometimes 2.5, sometimes 1 hour) Next to me in bed. And in bed when I was downstairs awake because I could not sleep again. And when I went to friends. And ... And .... And .... ?????

    Imagine yourself; your husband who goes 5 times a week when you are not paying attention to a whore for 1,5 or 2 hours. There is a difference, of course, a whore costs money, not this. A whore is outdoors, this was in bed next to me. A whore is real, these are video’s. But you have to look and search for a whore, and this is always, everywhere, free of charge. But all the feeling that comes with it is exactly the same in both cases. The feeling of feeling incredibly shut out is the same. The feeling of mistrust is the same. Feeling the feeling of being cheated is the same. The feeling of being abused is the same.

    I thought that in my life I had experienced just about all the violent things that you could never imagine; suicide attempt of your mother, bizarre extra-marital relations of your father, your house burned down, your father who is accused of child abuse, in a stay of my body home, at the age of 18 get pregnant and stand alone. But as much pain as I felt in the past year, I never felt in those 31 years before.

    The man I had on such a pedestal, whom I trusted 1000%, which I spent years sleeping every weekend and got angry at my children when they made noise "because he was so tired of the hard work for us family "UHU !!! (Lying in bed watching porn and fapping for hours while I was keeping the children silent) the man who asshamed so much at parties with his heavy eyes, but I did not blame him, because shah he worked so hard. The man who always forgot everything, really everything, but yes, busy with work. The man who was always horny, saw me as a sex object, always wanted to "grab" me ( sometimes I got sick of it, but I usually felt like I always wanted to ... That was not the case, because his whole brain was porno) The man who "raped" me in his sleep. (That's fine, even in his sleep he wants me! Really me, NOT!! This was because he fell asleep when he watched porn to long, but he was still busy in his sleep with porn, sex and cumming!) The man who always, really always was touching his dick. "To fiddle" ... It turns out he always, really always was masturbating but then, "that's what all men do, it’s not there only for peeing”... The man who could explode from nowhere, but he is tired from work. Without real reason. The man who never showed feeling, never, but yes, he will never have learned that. The man who sat on the couch with us, but was never really there. The only one that made me feel completely familiar. The only one that made me feel completely safe. The only one that I really wanted to marry. (That I wanted to live very much and did not interest me with whom, until I met Danny, then I knew that I really wanted him). That man took everything from me. His addiction took everything away from me. My confidence. My feeling of always feeling safe. My own self-confidence. (Because yes, if he prefers to cum on those cunts than on me ?!) My sense of security.

    Since we were on holiday at january 4th 2018 and were in the middle of the renovation, that first month actually passed me by. Until Sem and Tygo their birthday at january 30th 2018 I lost everything. Only then did I return to earth. At the moment that everything really happened to me, grandfather passed away so I also survived that period as a robot. It was not until the end of March that it really got through to me and I started to dig. And go digging. And start to realize. And ask. Lie after lie after lying after lie heard. First A, when B, then C and at the 6th, 7th, 8th time came "the truth" over the table. That period broke more than our entire relationship of 11 years before and everything he did or did not do at that time!

    At the beginning of September he had night shifts so he "slept" during the day and was alone in bed. A horror for me. I am (still) destroying all kinds of flashbacks, thoughts and distrust when he is alone. Since there were all kinds of things between january 4th and the beginning of September, I felt that things were still wrong. And so I confronted him at september 20th with the things I had seen in the 2 weeks before. And still I was crazy. I was still the one who saw ghosts. I did not give him a chance. I was wrong, because I promised to do the laundry and I did not. I had said that I was absolutely not married yet if I had known all of this beforehand, and it had hurt him so much!

    Now a year after DDay 1 and 3.5 months after DDay 2 it seems a bit better, but still there are hellish weeks. Still there is no confidence in certain situations and he still suffers from all kinds of withdrawal symptoms. Both positive and negative. For him, everything has actually become better. That heavy burden is from his shoulders. He has his memory back. Is hardly tired yet. Is much less negative. Is barely reared. And there are still 100 things. Actually, he is now happier than ever.

    But on the other hand, I have never felt as unhappy as the past year. And that while this could have been my best year. At the end of 2017 we were finally out of the financial shit after many years of fighting, had saved so much that we could do our entire living room AND could marry. I got my girlfriends back a bit. And experienced "the most beautiful day of your life" ... All those nice things are not at all in the mess that I got over me. I hope I can see it differently in the future, but for now it is still a hell. Especially when he gets a tablet from his work where he can and can do anything with it. And especially if he is staying alone in a hotel next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thoughts are making me sick!!

    And yet I stay with him, even though it costs a lot of effort sometimes. And yet I want to keep fighting for it, although I am gradually getting completely exhausted. Because I love him, I want to get old with him. But I hate the addiction and I wish it was dead and forgotten ...
  2. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    @StillDlmts, It breaks my heart to read this! Unfortunately from what I've seen from the women I work with, this is common.

    What it is showing you is there hasn't been much change in him.

    I remember going through this with my own husband, every anniversary I would go into a depression. It wasn't the memory of it all though. A few years after our healing, I realized every anniversary I was asking myself, "Should we be further along than this?"

    I don't know if that's what you're feeling or not, but if it is, my heart goes out to you becuase it's a very painful thing to feel.
    Deleted Account and Trappist like this.

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