Excessive masturbation lead me to this...

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Unicore, Aug 14, 2019.

  1. Unicore

    Unicore New Fapstronaut

    Hello guys! First of all i’d like to say that i am new to this site, but definitely not new to NoFap. Infact i find my story to be extremely rare and i consider myself a precursor. I hope that maybe this will explain a lot of things not only to myself but to other guys trying to overcome this problem by giving further proofs a different and unusual point of view.
    Let’s start saying that i never masturbated before 19. Yeah you read right. I wasn’t asexual, i liked girls very much and watched normal porn sometimes but i only touched myself a couple times and was unable to cum because i always got bored. I was excited and stuff but i didn’t know how much you had to jerk off. I was the kind of guy always dreaming and with a fervid imagination, masturbating wasn’t as exciting as following real girls. This lead me to enter relationships with girls as soon as soon i was a 15 years old.

    My ex-girlfriend at the time was very bad at jerking guys off so she didn’t manage to make me cum (and never had a sexual intercourse with her).
    The first time i came it was inside my other ex (on the pill) and i was like “holy fuck did i just piss inside her”, just so you know how clueless i was about the thing. From that moment on i started coming regularly inside her. I very rarely watched porn, i got aroused by real girls and i was happy with that.

    This didn’t came without a “clear bargain”. During my early years (12-13) there was no access to porn and used to play with my mom’s panties, imagining girl’s butts ecc... (the butt is one of my soft spots in a girl after her face). This disturbed me a little and i remember clearly having decided that was better to outright go see girls than to imagine and staging porns with my mind and a few clothes. Lately i started also reading some gender-bender stories because i was interested in “what the girls felt” as i wanted to be one with them during sex. (nothing too serious, never even jacked off to it and its appeal ended pretty quickly), along with rarely watching normal porn as i said before. When i found my second girlfriend this stopped (the first one didn’t even know how to jack you off and was literally asexual so dumped her)

    Fast forward a few years. After 6 years of 3 relationships i get dumped and i decide to repress my feeling by going out with friends ecc...
    Started masturbating only at this point in my life (22 yo). First once a month. Then once a week. Then it spiraled as i got more and more addicted to it. Convincing myself it was healthy and such.

    Everything came down 3 months ago. It was and it is a bad period when this started: college exams, degree, problems at home and a huge trauma i would prefer not to discuss about involving a woman in my family (fortunately everything went well, though still a bad trauma).
    One day i was playing a mobile video game as a girl character and a fucking thought crossed my mind about being gay or transexual. It started the shit. My mind kept telling me you liked to play like that character so you must be either this or this.
    I went into a mild atypical depression for a week and went to a therapist (for who doesn’t know this is a subtype of depression in which your dreams are all good and beautiful and you never wake up crying for example, but as soon as you wake up you feel like shit).

    I started seeking reassurance into my gay and bi friends and searching online: this lead to an even greater disaster as my mind started throwing at me whatever negative story i read, no matter how many positive stories there were and my therapist said and no matter how many times my gay and bi friends told me it doesn’t work like that ecc...

    Interrupted therapy and thanks to my therapist felt a lot better after i realized it was all in my head and due to breakup trauma and quit PMO for a week (all the while i was masturbating to regular porn to see if i was still attracted to girls) so i felt really good again but when i thought things had passed i relapsed and my Homosexual-OCD got even worse: now i wasn’t afraid of being attracted by man anymore but i started getting aroused at the idea of imagining myself as a woman. Not necessarily during sexual activities but the idea of turning into a woman and being transexual.

    Especially this last one thought is troublesome for me as it connects to the experiences cited before although i find it to be a pretty normal fetish in guys to “sometimes imagine being a girl” as i discussed and joked many times with my friends without even questioning myself: i knew fantasies were fantasies and reality was reality. Now it’s giving me anxiety even though i feel comfortable with my male body. I wouldn’t say mine was a fetish like i read here with people watching trans porn ecc..., always watched vanilla only, but i decided to never search online again anything like this because it only fuels the obsessions i never had before with all the stories about people conjuring the weirdest mentalities.

    Sorry for the longest post ever but my condition is troubling me: what do you say? Do you have any advice?

    I am stopping PMO completely, i remember that in those 19 years of 0 masturbation i felt like superman and i am afraid i now won’t be able to enjoy myself with girls anymore. Porn is a fucking monster.
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
  2. Unexist

    Unexist Fapstronaut

    I think your problem is that you are insicure, being homosexual (or not) isn't the problem, it's the consequence. Go Monk Mode for at least 90 days to elevate your charisma.
  3. Unicore

    Unicore New Fapstronaut

    Yeah definitely i have this problem. I have always been a highly confident and easygoing person, enjoying myself without thinking about the consequences (as long as they were not harmful in the long term).
    Fortunately i have no problems in keeping erections with girls, as such when i sometimes have sex with my first ex that wanted to keep in touch i find great pleasure (we started seeing each other again, BEFORE this started, but not in a serious relationship).

    Also i noticed that when not thinking about any of these i can find my old self again, same for when i am talking to a new girl or am a bit high in the club having fun. I also fortunately sleep well and sound, this is a blessing for me as it would be catastrophic to my scholastic career not sleeping well.

    According to my therapist (she’s a specialist in obsessive and gender disorders) this is all my mind fearing i would not be able to find someone i love anymore after being single for so much time as i was in relationships as soon as i was 15, therefore skipping the whole “depressive” part of the girl chase cause i immediatly got one.
    Guess why? Exactly, she said that masturbation could be the culprit as it acted as a way to escape these thoughts leading to insecurity. The fact that literally i started masturbating to substitute sexual intercourse did great harm as i skipped the whole “fapping alone” part in my adolescence.
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019
  4. hah_lay_loo_yuh

    hah_lay_loo_yuh Fapstronaut

    Each of us has an ideal of what we are, and then there is actually what we are. When the ideal of what we are conflicts with what we actually are, there is distress.

    I had and have a problem very similar to yours. In fact, based on what you've described, I can tell you that my situation is much, much worse than yours. And the anxiety of what I was turned on by induced in me tremendous embarrassment, depression and shame.

    The way I've learned to deal with this problem is through two major techniques:

    1) Focusing on my thoughts feelings while maintaining awareness and not letting them overtake me, while also not repressing them
    2) Breaking out of the rigid mindset of what I think I am; updating who I think I am by what I observe I am

    The first can be used to help do the second. What you need, which is 1), is a practice of self-understanding. The way to self-understanding is to become comfortable with introspection to the point where the inner-workings of your mind are familiar and known to you as they occur throughout the day. When you fantasize, there is a part of you which is aware of the fantasy. When you feel angry, there is apart of you which is aware of the anger - as an emotion and as a physical state. And so on for everything else. The way to make this power of awareness apart of you is through repeated, prolonged, isolated, observation of yourself. 30 minutes a day is more than enough.

    If you hate somebody, then you feel the rage, not repress it because you think rage makes you a bad person and doesn't fit in with your ideal. If you love somebody then you feel the love, not run from it because you are afraid of ooey-gooey feelings like that. If you feel pathetic, then you acknowledge that feeling and feel it. And so on for guilt, shame, fear, hatred, pain, joy etc.

    After paying attention to what you actually are for long enough, you begin to realize there is an entire machinery inside of you. There are identities for instance, which can come up as bits of imagery in your mind. Something embarrassing you did makes you feel a certain way about yourself. You internalize that and say to yourself, without realizing it "that is me". But becoming aware of this identity removes it. Just seeing it for what it is, separates you from it, because how could you be aware of it and be it at the same time? Are you it, or the awareness of it? And there are hundreds and hundreds of these identities which accumulate from experience. You aren't really those identities. You are the awareness of those identities. They are below your awareness in your unconscious. They are your monkey mind.

    If you see an identity you have crafted for yourself as worthless, or generous, or anything else positive or negative, then you become consciously aware of the identity, and recognize it for what it is. When you can laugh at the identity and see it as absurd, then you are separating from it. It is not really helpful. Does seeing yourself as a slob help you not become one? Does seeing yourself as a good person help you become one? Is the caricature of what you're afraid of ever the same thing as what it acctually is? The answer is no. The identities are lies you tell yourself. How many people are convinced they are good when they are actually terrible? Generous when they are selfish? Bold when they are afraid? And separation from these identities through awareness of them is freedom, because on the other side is the real you - not the you held in chains by what you think you are.

    If any of what you feel conflicts with the idea of what you are, then the idea of who you are must change. The alternative is to repress what you actually feel. That is, lie.

    Through awareness you get disassociation. You see your thoughts and feelings for what they are, and not through a filter which tries to amplify this, distort that, etc. And so eventually through this practice, what you see in your mind's thoughts and feelings are how you form your identity and sense of self. Most people including myself tried to do it the other way around: from an ideal I tried to craft who I was. This is not the proper way, because you are not your ideal, your ideal is probably cartoonish and unreasonable and your ideal was likely crafted by somebody else and absorbed by you through fiction.

    These two techniques could be restated as discipline and humility. The discipline is to sit down and focus, even if what I feel is painful. The humility is to not lie and to allow my conception of myself to change with regards to what I discover within me. It is also to accept what I am. If I feel shame for what I am, then I feel it. And so on for everything else. But I am not that feeling because it doesn't take over my awareness. Good luck.
  5. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    This whole last year was me, crashing through walls and repeatedly falling into breakdowns until I began realizing some of this.
    The more the lie lasts, the harder the blow of reality you get later on.

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