Hello guys! First of all i’d like to say that i am new to this site, but definitely not new to NoFap. Infact i find my story to be extremely rare and i consider myself a precursor. I hope that maybe this will explain a lot of things not only to myself but to other guys trying to overcome this problem by giving further proofs a different and unusual point of view. Let’s start saying that i never masturbated before 19. Yeah you read right. I wasn’t asexual, i liked girls very much and watched normal porn sometimes but i only touched myself a couple times and was unable to cum because i always got bored. I was excited and stuff but i didn’t know how much you had to jerk off. I was the kind of guy always dreaming and with a fervid imagination, masturbating wasn’t as exciting as following real girls. This lead me to enter relationships with girls as soon as soon i was a 15 years old. My ex-girlfriend at the time was very bad at jerking guys off so she didn’t manage to make me cum (and never had a sexual intercourse with her). The first time i came it was inside my other ex (on the pill) and i was like “holy fuck did i just piss inside her”, just so you know how clueless i was about the thing. From that moment on i started coming regularly inside her. I very rarely watched porn, i got aroused by real girls and i was happy with that. This didn’t came without a “clear bargain”. During my early years (12-13) there was no access to porn and used to play with my mom’s panties, imagining girl’s butts ecc... (the butt is one of my soft spots in a girl after her face). This disturbed me a little and i remember clearly having decided that was better to outright go see girls than to imagine and staging porns with my mind and a few clothes. Lately i started also reading some gender-bender stories because i was interested in “what the girls felt” as i wanted to be one with them during sex. (nothing too serious, never even jacked off to it and its appeal ended pretty quickly), along with rarely watching normal porn as i said before. When i found my second girlfriend this stopped (the first one didn’t even know how to jack you off and was literally asexual so dumped her) Fast forward a few years. After 6 years of 3 relationships i get dumped and i decide to repress my feeling by going out with friends ecc... Started masturbating only at this point in my life (22 yo). First once a month. Then once a week. Then it spiraled as i got more and more addicted to it. Convincing myself it was healthy and such. Everything came down 3 months ago. It was and it is a bad period when this started: college exams, degree, problems at home and a huge trauma i would prefer not to discuss about involving a woman in my family (fortunately everything went well, though still a bad trauma). One day i was playing a mobile video game as a girl character and a fucking thought crossed my mind about being gay or transexual. It started the shit. My mind kept telling me you liked to play like that character so you must be either this or this. I went into a mild atypical depression for a week and went to a therapist (for who doesn’t know this is a subtype of depression in which your dreams are all good and beautiful and you never wake up crying for example, but as soon as you wake up you feel like shit). I started seeking reassurance into my gay and bi friends and searching online: this lead to an even greater disaster as my mind started throwing at me whatever negative story i read, no matter how many positive stories there were and my therapist said and no matter how many times my gay and bi friends told me it doesn’t work like that ecc... Interrupted therapy and thanks to my therapist felt a lot better after i realized it was all in my head and due to breakup trauma and quit PMO for a week (all the while i was masturbating to regular porn to see if i was still attracted to girls) so i felt really good again but when i thought things had passed i relapsed and my Homosexual-OCD got even worse: now i wasn’t afraid of being attracted by man anymore but i started getting aroused at the idea of imagining myself as a woman. Not necessarily during sexual activities but the idea of turning into a woman and being transexual. Especially this last one thought is troublesome for me as it connects to the experiences cited before although i find it to be a pretty normal fetish in guys to “sometimes imagine being a girl” as i discussed and joked many times with my friends without even questioning myself: i knew fantasies were fantasies and reality was reality. Now it’s giving me anxiety even though i feel comfortable with my male body. I wouldn’t say mine was a fetish like i read here with people watching trans porn ecc..., always watched vanilla only, but i decided to never search online again anything like this because it only fuels the obsessions i never had before with all the stories about people conjuring the weirdest mentalities. Sorry for the longest post ever but my condition is troubling me: what do you say? Do you have any advice? I am stopping PMO completely, i remember that in those 19 years of 0 masturbation i felt like superman and i am afraid i now won’t be able to enjoy myself with girls anymore. Porn is a fucking monster.