Exhausted mom

I'm a father and a husband. We've been married for almost 10 years. I was addicted to PMO since my early teens and I truly believed that marriage will end the addiction. That was a false notion. I decided to tell my wife about my addiction early on into our marriage. She listened and did not judge me at all. I was lucky in that sense. The issue was, because she seemed to be "supportive", I took that for granted. Why? Because she wasn't angry or disgusted by me. So I secretly indulged for years. Even after the birth of our kids I vowed to stop but couldn't and I continued on. Around 2019, we almost divorced. The reason being I was so hooked into the PMO cycle that it totally fogged my brain. The arguments were mostly petty ones and I was not in the right state of mind. She moved out with the kids temporary and I was forced to live with my own thoughts. I had to ask myself if I could live with someone like me? After a few rough days I called her and asked for forgiveness and that I would change. She accepted reluctantly, but the trust was clearly not there. Fast forward and currently we are doing much better (although I still struggle with my addiction).

It seems that you have come to the point of being exhausted by his unwillingness to change. I think you must stand your ground because as a man, and from my own experience, I can honestly say that a woman who appears weak is easier to walk over her.

An addict mind will try it's best to justify our mental state. By not wanting to hear about it, is basically saying he doesn't want to hear the truth. Truth hurts just like how your feelings are hurt. A therapist may help him see sense. He might have some deep rooted issue(s) that has caused him to use porn as an escape root. Mine stems from being sexually abused as a young teenager. Sometimes us addicts really want to change internally, but we feel at lose even with a supportive system around us.

Lastly, maybe call your internet provider and request them to block all adult content on their side. Then tell your husband it's time to face reality or else you will have no choice to move on without him for your own peice of mind. This may wake him up just like I woke up when I was challenged.

I hope all of this somehow makes sense.

 

You are very welcome and I hope there is light for you and your family after this phase. All the best

 

There's always hope. Even if it's only a little. But I don't want to get your hopes up too high. Not a lot of us here succeed in completely breaking free. Just being honest.

And I'm sure you're getting tired of being "porn cop". That's exhausting. It would be wise to gather support for yourself, establish boundaries, read about betrayal trauma, draw closer to God, and develop healthy habits for yourself.

 

You don’t need a marriage counselor, it’s actually recommended you don’t do marriage counseling until the addict has been sober for about a year. He needs individual counseling for addiction. You cannot heal a relationship while one partner is actively in addiction. If he is not totally committed to recovery then he will not stop, he just can’t. It takes a lot of work. What you can do is establish firm boundaries if you don’t already have them, focus on your healing, your health and decide what you want your future to look like. If he never gets into recovery are you willing to live with that? Only 5% get into long term recovery according to professionals. I had hoped this figure was wrong but there really are not many in any group I’m in. Been with my husband 35 years. He’s been trying to quit the entire time. He’s been working recovery now 4 years, clean for 2, but he still struggles. Life with an active addict is terrible hard and you don’t even realize it until you live with the same person sober and in recovery. I will never go back to living like that.

 

Hello @Lostmyspark,

First I want to say, I am so sorry you've gone through all of this! Betrayal trauma is one of the most difficult things women can go through.

Second, I never get notifications from nofap anymore, but yours came through, so I thought I would pop out here to read your story. It saddened me... and got my wheels turning.

Members have already given great insights above, so I'll add my thoughs on what you wrote, mainly these parts...

Referring to the numbers in parentheses above:
(1) Good for you, going to bat for yourslef. I help women after betrayal, and some of them are afraid to ask for this. Those who follow the betrayal trauma model call this 'truth testing'. Knowing the truth to your most pressing questions is one of the first steps to really healing the trust after betrayal, so good job asking for what you need!

(2) Good for you for following through as well. When we don't follow through, we teach the guy 'you don't have to listen to me.'

(3) Unfortunately this can happen. I saw it with an ex- (he took up gambling after getting sober from alcohol.) I saw it with my husband (he developed a gaming addiction and an over-eating addiction when he got sober from porn.) and I see it in some of the guys my hsuband helps, whether food or gaming or spending. I think they don't know how to cope with life as it is, and with porn out of the picture, they find some other way to handle the things that come up in life.

(4) Some might say you were wrong for lying, but, while I can't encourage the ladies I help to get used to lying, sometimes it takes creative approaches to see if the guy is telling the truth. (Plus if someone would get onto a wife for lying like this, the husband well out-did her, so they're getting onto the wrong person.)

(5) I think you were correct in this. I've seen it in churches where the leadership takes a 'boys will be boys' approach to it. Very few guys achieved long term sobriety there. (My husband saw something similar in the 12 step group my husband attended. When the leader stumbled, many in the group would stumble as well.)

(6) "I'm a shell of my former self." Your words broke my heart, cause I've felt that empty, just-existing, zombie-like feeling for months on end, so I can relate! Again, I am so sorry you've been through all of this!!!

(7) My husband and I call this, "The tail wagging the dog," where the most foggy-minded person seems to dictate terms versus being open to guidance. This is where I encourage ladies to really focus on their own healing.

(8) I don't know if this applies or not, but it's coming to mind, so I'll add it: The sober alcoholic I dated in college said, "The first time I felt normal was when I took my first drink." If I were in your position, I would ask him if he only felt normal when he used porn or when he drank. I would also ask him if he was open to finding a 'new-normal feeling.'? Because if the only way he feels normal is to not talk about it, but talking about it brings healing to you and the relationship, then it may be time for him to step up to the plate.

(9) Yes! That is a worthy goal. You're free to put the relationship on the back burner, receiving the only things he's willing to give, and letting this bring you and your daughter closer. If he feels you backing up from the relationship in a bigger way, it might get his attention. It might not, but at least your heart will be protected and you'll be focusing on something that matters more to you.

(10) You asked if there was any hope. The fact that he did spend some time in recovery and the fact that he did have some spans of sobriety are good signs, YET he isn't yet motivated to stay sober. Unfortunately, two of the best motivators for addicts to stay sober are pain and loss. So I'm glad you wrote that you might be willing to separate from him if needed, because that is sometimes enough pain/loss to get the guy's attention. If not, you might be backed up in your heart enough to keep his addiction from hurting you more at that point.

I hope this helps,
Lori Pyatt

 

Great Thread. I'll come back to read these every so often. It can definitely help with my recovery as well.

 

I appreciate your direct message here. I am in the site for the first time having just had a huge fall out with my partner over his addiction. I was feeling guilty for what I said, but now I am feeling somewhat better to know that it is healthy to draw a boundary and defend it.

 

One of the things we did, after I had read a lot and seen how if an addict wants a real shot at this he's got to eliminate triggers from his daily life, we ended up getting the eero system. It blocks things at the router level. So while it doesn't help if he's on cellular it will help in the home (though this is not an issue for him it was more for my own safety, I control the settings on his phone so he can't delete anything even if he took it to cellular). I wanted to better protect our children and not have to police. So it blocks everything bad, but I also have it set to not access any social media and no youtube. My computer is the only one with youtube access. If he needs to watch something like a home fixit thing he comes and uses mine with me present. We also switched to disney+ instead of the other streaming services that are full of smut. We all feel safer. There is no accidental exposure for anyone - him, kids, nor trauma triggers for me. He willingly gave up all social media at my request, a decision we are both very happy with given that there is no ability to delete those video reels nor ads anymore.

 

That's exactly why I want to be done with that addiction before finding a partner. It might take a while, but I don't want someone else to suffer deeply from my lack of self-control. I want to see her and tell her "it was in my past but I'm done with it".

I will add that I'm far, really far from even reaching 6 months of nofap. It seems like a mountain to me.