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Exhibitionist and Fetish seeking problem

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Commit, Oct 1, 2018.

  1. Commit

    Commit Fapstronaut

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    Hey there!

    I am young guy 26 which identifies as straight I've only had girlfriends and currently have one right now.

    Throughout my life browsing all the different porn websites I got the most interested in public nudity and exhibitionism at first. I've also gotten many compliments from girls on having a tall and slim body but having a nice round butt for a guy. Obviously my interest in exhibitionism porn coupled with the compliments of having a nice body has made me want to go out and be naughty and get naked in front of someone. Obviously I feel terrible about cheating on my girlfriend with a girl but for some reason I didn't feel as bad stripping in front of a guy.....

    At first in university I found some chat rooms where there would be gay older men with really perverted thoughts looking for younger guys, the idea of getting naked for them was such a turn on that I eventually started turning on my webcam for the random older guy here and there. I ended up stripping and dancing for a couple of guys that were up to 3 times my age in their 50's and 60s. I'd get up and show them myself naked and eventually masturbated for them to, everytime I finished and came I would realize instantly "WTF am I doing, turnoff the webcam ASAP and try to forget about it"....

    eventually this turned into me wanting to do it for guys in person so I started looking into public places and beaches where guys meet up to have fun, as usual I found older guys because they had the most interest in being a voyeur for a younger guy. So I've met up at a nude beach and forests during the day with older guys and getting naked and masturbating for them. Again after being done, feeling absolutely terrible and like i'm hiding something horrible from people and they have no idea who I really am or what my interests are. If I were to know some other guy was getting naked and masturbating for an older guy's pleasure I would think so little of them but for some reason I justify doing it myself than forgetting about it …..

    Things eventually got worse and I started getting into pegging porn and finding the idea of a guy getting anal'd by a girl to be really humiliating and a turn on at the same time. Eventually I found a girl on Tinder who was into giving prostate massages and wearing a strap on as well. I convinced myself for a while I would be crazy to do something like that because it's so embarrassing and awkward but watching the porn just made me want it in real life. I eventually tried it with her and I enjoyed it because of the whole idea of it. we did it a few times and I was addicted to it but not proud of it at all and completely ashamed, I thought of it as gay because it was the concept of having a penis inside you even though it was by a girl.

    My urge for public exhibitionism didn't stop at the same time so I ended up meeting a 50 year old masculine 6 foot 3 guy at a secluded beach. This guy was a complete stranger to me but I talked to him about my experiences with the tinder girl and the stapon, I eventually as usual teased him and got naked for him on the beach and moved around and rubbed myself for him and he enjoyed it a lot. I obviously got excited of this. This is when the final worse part of all happened, he started to talk to me about my experience with the strapon and if I enjoyed it. HE was telling me the girl must of loved it because I have such a beautiful ass and twink like body. when I met the guy online I said i'm strictly just looking to be an exhibitionist as usual and nothing else and people are usually respectful of this. I had a couple of beers so I was in a good mood and he was telling me that if I tried a dildo up my ass and enjoy it why don't I try something else? and that's when I my heart started pounding because I realized he was talking about giving me anal. He ran his hand around me and said common just try it and you'll enjoy it just as much as the pegging and no one will need to know. I let him and him and thanks to my porn addiction I realized that I ended up on a nude beach, getting fucked by an older guy, he called me a slut and a bitch while he was doing it saying it was a turn on and the worst part of all is I didn't even get an orgasm because It was too far. Now I can't reverse that and it's so messed up that I did that...…. MY addition is so fucking out of control that I moved from webcamming, to exhibitionism in real life, to meeting some random girl and trying a strapon to straight out getting fucked up the ass by some stranger guy and being disrespected.
     
  2. Stop watching porn and doing chat-rooms. That shit is twisting you to do things that aren't you.

    Lots of porn users/addicts end up watching and/or doing things they would never have done without the porn. Lots of those who stop using porn also report that the "extra" desires they got from porn go away, with time.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  3. WasZeusWrong?

    WasZeusWrong? Fapstronaut

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    As an "older" gay man myself (ouch!), I'd like to say that I'm really sorry that that experience happened to you and that you wound up doing something that made you feel bad later. I'm particularly sorry that during the process you were disrespected and made to feel humiliated.

    I think that a lot of gay men of my generation struggle with the humiliation issue -- both giving and receiving. Humiliation and shame were a big part of our experience during adolescence, and I think it's difficult for some of us to entirely separate humiliation from our desire for other men.

    Anyway, I agree with some of the others who have replied to you: First, quit the porn and the camming. In my limited experience, being porn-free for a while helps us to see better what our real desires are, instead of being "told" what our desires should be by directors and producers working out their own fetishes while making a buck.

    Finally, I'd like to encourage you to go a little easier on yourself. Your post suggested that you're pretty ashamed of, and angry at, yourself; unfortunately, these emotions tend to drive us further into our addictions rather than away from them. You're a young guy. You've done some experimenting. That's OK. Now take a step back (esp. from porn and camming), and reflect and reassess.

    Peace!
     
  4. Hi mate. As mentioned above tou identify as straight. With porn use and escalation our experiences can take us doen a certain path where we don't receive the gratification that we ince received from 'vanilla' type activities...it leads to a massive escalation in types of activities and behaviours and for you in your case lead to this extreme.

    Wind back your porn use. Join the forums and continue to contribute to your journal. Stay away from social media and cams. As each day passes you will grow more comfortable with yourself and your behaviours and activities will most likely reset with more traditional parameters.

    Go easy on yourself man. Goodluck
     
  5. Commit

    Commit Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice friend! you're completely right about the getting used to vanilla type activities. I kept on searching for more and more fucked up porns and eventually watching it wasn't enough
     
  6. Escalation is real and common, sadly.
    After abstaining for a time these urges will calm down. But be aware, they will grow stronger for a while as your brain struggles to try and get what it wants.
    You can get through this.
     
  7. 4DCreator

    4DCreator Fapstronaut

    The worst part was that you haven't even got an orgasm? Are you kidding me?
     
  8. To be honest I thought that was a biy of an understatement. Thr statement probably goes somewhat towards his mindset if that is his rational. Lost in 'the fog' of it all.
     
  9. Act out your sexual fantasies only with a partner you love, a person you're willing to spend your life with. They won't judge your fetishism, they'll enjoy it while roleplaying with you.
    If your gf is sexually open minded she would understand and would try to fulfill your needs.
     
    4DCreator likes this.
  10. Commit

    Commit Fapstronaut

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    yea sorry to word it that way, what I meant is that I went so far to end up on a beach naked with a man I didn't know (other than online) just to experience an orgasm and I didn't even get one because I went too far
     
  11. Commit

    Commit Fapstronaut

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    I agree! I guess there is nothing wrong with the sexual fantasies of wanting to be pegged and it would be perfectly normal to do that with a girl you love. Except I don't even know if I would be into that if it wasn't for porn making it look appealing
     
  12. All the best with your recovery buddy. You are exactly where you need to be on these forums. I recommend tou get some psyc help as well. It definitely helped me along the way. Good stuff
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  13. That sounds wonderful. Unfortunately, my experience says otherwise. My wife loved having vanilla sex with me and a slight bit of kinkiness, but she got squicked out when I shared some of my fetishes. There is a fine line between sexy and disgusting. We all seem to draw that line in different places.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. goodguy1225

    goodguy1225 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I just read your post and wanted to reach out. I have not had the same experiences but I have also dealt with a similar evolution of thinking and emotions. What has happened in the past is in the past, there’s nothing you can do. The important part is that you’ve had the moment of clarity of “what the hell am I doing?” and you sought out support on this site. I think it’s important to not self hate as that only feeds the addiction. What’s important is what you do moving forward.

    Its important to look at what started these desires and for me it was deeply rooted in a lack of self confidence and self image. Please free to direct message me if you want to discuss further.
     
  15. Emf1970

    Emf1970 Fapstronaut

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    I read your post and have had experiences with TS/CD and men at adult bookstores and glory holes. These are not bad experiences in and off themselves and you should not beat yourself up over them because that is part of yourself as well. I agree those feelings may go away, but it is the porn and stimulation that is causing the need to escalate. These web sights and old men you mention seem to give off a negative energy which you take in and that makes you feel bad about yourself. Take the time away from porn and sort your mind out. My comfortable with yourself, and if it turns out you do like to be pegged, or have sex with men as well. As woman, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t split yourself in two and beat yourself up over feelings you have. Take the time to identify who you are without distractions, love that person first, before figuring out how to engage with others.
     
  16. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    I’ll agree With what every one else said. In mid40s and was molested from 7-10 from a male relative a few years older. I enjoyed it and didn’t know any difference so it’s been hard to balance that in my life until therapy, recovery groups (SA) and opening up like you are starting to do here. I will warn you that each time you get triggered and step back into this world you move at a faster pace. You get to the WTF just happened and how did I get here in a nanosecond where before it might have taken weeks, months or years. So be careful and give yourself a lot of grace. Shane will propel you faster than anything. I partake in several interactive webinars each week that are fantastic. If you would like to know more send me a msg. as I would not be where I am without them and connection with others. Just for the record my story parallels yours so I totally get it.
     
    ankith likes this.
  17. Emf1970

    Emf1970 Fapstronaut

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    Or your taking on their bad energy to punish yourself in some way. Either way a clear mind well help don’t you agree.
     

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