expectations set high?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by malwarebytes, Dec 31, 2017.

  1. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    so i´m together with that girl for a month now (she´s my 1st girlfriend) and i´m not sure about if she´s the right one. she´s nice and all and we do have a few things in common but i´m doing a lot for her (driving her with my car), she´s got a 1 year old baby so we don´t have a lot of time when i don´t drive her. she would have to go by bus. when i feel bad (and i have felt bad more often in the last months because of depression) then she tells me she can´t take it and she wants me to leave. but when she has a down then i´m always there for her and trying to make her feel better. so i´m feeling a little used and i told her but she told me she can´t do much without a car and the little baby, what do i expect from her? it´s also not very easy with the child, i can´t do much with her in order to get to know her better. she doens´t have family anymore and my father likes to drink so we don´t want to give him the child even for a few hours. i feel like i´m doing a lot and i don´t get much in return? i guess expectations in a relationship are never good. i don´t know if i´m looking for advice (because only time will tell i guess) or maybe this is just a rant. thanks for reading.
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Where's the kids dad
     
  3. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Man.. It's tough being your first gf, but I have to say it sounds kind of codependent to me. Maybe not major stuff but yeah, it is kind of one way isn't it?

    Guys like to be the savior, the knight in shining armor and girls may like playing the complementary part on some level - besides they get the practical help. At some point you have to ask yourself does she like you for playing that role or just like you for who you are? Because liking you for being in that good guy role is like fantasy, it's a story and not who you are as a whole person.

    None of this is blaming her by the way, it may be that she's constantly stressed out and doesn't have the perspective of how it hits you, and frankly she may be nice but just doesn't have the maturity to really get that yet. I'm concerned it's going to hurt you down the line. Boundaries man, even in intimate relationships.. I know it's probably not going to help just me saying it though.
     
  4. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    You aren’t going to get much in return any time soon. An infant is a full time job for two people, even then it helps to have family to help when you want to do things. Everything takes at least twice as long if the parents are on it. Double that if not. Her priority is, and should be, a 100% on raising her child. Raising a child is one of the most difficult things one can do, so you need to understand that when you might be really depressed, she probably doesn’t have the extra energy to help you as well, which is why she asks you to leave. She probably does welcome the help you are able to provide, but if the relationship is just starting out she may not feel secure that you are in it for the long run. She will have a lot of needs and favors out of necessity. Is this something you are able and willing to provide? Do you see them as a whole and can love them both and place them above your own needs? You have to prepare over the long term that you will become a father figure for her child, so your relationship isn’t just with her, but with her child. It is a heavy burden, so tread lightly and be honest, good communication goes a long way. If you have expectations from her you need to communicate those to her, she may have some of her own for you. In the end you will probably compromise on those expectations, thus begins the real relationship. You are a month in, so now might be the time to start those hard talks. The best relationship is founded on friendship, understanding and trust. From there is grows through vulnerability, security, and reliability. Maybe neither of you are ready, maybe the both of you are, but it’s just that the time is wrong. There are a lot of nuances to this, but the most important part has to be the child. If you focus there, I’m sure the love will follow.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  5. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Don't know exactly how the conversation went of course but I think there needs to be a distinction made based on what you wrote here. You are talking about emotional support for you and not what you are doing for her on a practical level with rides, maybe that needs to be cleared up. It's not like you want her to give you rides, you want to be comforted when you're down. She may honestly not have much to support you with having so much responsibility as a new mother though. Ideally we can say don't get romantic and attached and just give without any expectations but of course that's not realistically how it tends to go.

    In terms of your needs being met with depression it's probably good to realize there is no reason to expect it to be met in a romantic relationship, it's natural to feel that way being it's intimate but it doesn't necessarily mean you can actually find it there. If you need to get either support or help (in the form of counseling perhaps) you may need to get it from outside the context of the relationship. That may mean spending time with friends for support instead of spending time with her trying to support her when you yourself are depleted.
     
  6. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    Good question. He rather goes out to drink than to take responsibility. I care for the child at the moment, besides the mother. I love him like it's my own.
     
  7. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    I get what you're trying to say. I don't know if I can blame her. She's going through a lot at the moment and maybe I need to give her time. Nevertheless, yes it feels one way.

    At some point you have to ask yourself does she like you for playing that role or just like you for who you are?

    What are you trying to say? English is not my first language so I'm struggling to understand.

    I also read your second comment. Thanks for clarifying. Maybe I need to cut down my expectations ;)
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This i ask, because depending on laws of where you live, it will eventually catch up with him.
    In regards to your relationship, it really does not matter what family either of you have (her or you) the family that matters in this equation is the family of the child.
    Unless he signs away his rights.
    Or you adopt.
    However, you are unsure of the relationship to begin with.
    And feelings for the children only complicat the relationship between partners... Especially when you aren't the bio parent.
    I speak having my children adopted by the stepparent.
    This is a whole thing.
    And it's a complicated one.
    It's going to add more stress.
    Is that stress welcome?
    It's a question you really need to ask yourself.
     
  9. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    Yes I know it's hard to raise a little child and I will help her doing so. She said that she really likes it that I accept the child even though it's not my own. I'd do everything for them but sometimes I just ask myself what do I get out of this? Clearly in this situation I probably have to stay strong and be there for her and eventually that will work out. I think it's good for myself to stay strong and go through her with this. So basically you are saying I need a lot of patience and I need to be there for her and that's what I'm trying from now on.
     
    NF4L likes this.
  10. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    In my country the father needs to pay for the child. That's gonna be pretty soon for him. I'm not gonna adopt it because then we wouldn't get the money. Simple as that.
     
  11. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Well I don't know exactly how it is with you and her of course but I think it's important not to get lost in being the rescuer, like I said the knight in shining armor being the one to save the day, that kind of thinking. It can be kind of subtle and when we're doing it we don't realize it, but in the long term it doesn't do anyone any favors if you burn yourself out. We're human and we have limits. Just take care of yourself.
     
  12. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    Yes I understand. I will keep that in mind. For now I'm doing fine mostly. Sometimes the little one is annoying but I'll get used to it.
     
  13. malwarebytes

    malwarebytes Fapstronaut

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    yesterday i was going to her place. at first i was in a very good mood because we didn´t see each other for 7 days. she wasn´t having a very good time there and she was ill too. so i tried to help her a little, told her go take a shower i´ll take a look at the little one. that took her 30 minutes but i was ok with it. when she came back i hugged her but she said she´t not in the mood for that when she´s ill. oh well. after that she told me about what happened on the trip (she told me before via text message when she was there i was feeling shitty because she got treated so bad! but even though i told her please call me i´d like to know what happend she said no, lets wait until i´m back). so i had this shitty feeling inside of me the whole time, not knowing what was going on. feels fucking great. i gotta add that i really need someone at times when i don´t feel good and when i don´t get a hug or so i´ll get angry. that might be a childhood problem (i´m on it with my therapist). so i didn´t feel very well at that point and i wasn´t talking much because the anger came up. then she said lets play a boardgame and we did. after 15 fucking minutes!!! she said lets go to the other room i have to do something. she had to do the washing. after that i had to go because she lives in a home for single parents and i only can stay until 6 (which is when the little one has to go to bed, and we finally WOULD have some time for ourselves). i don´t know how to feel about this. i don´t feel like she can be there for me or wants to be there for me if she doesn´t feel like it. and that makes me sad. because i would do anything for that woman. anyways she realized that i wasn´t talking and was asking why. it took me a while to tell her that i´m feeling angry when i get rejected like that. but thats probably a problem of mine and i can´t blame her?! its really tough for me to help her out whenever i can and not get much in return. everytime something like this happens she says "oh well lets forget it, lets end the relationship". what the hell? but even though we aren´t together she still is ok with having sex. yes of course... i feel used that way.

    what do i get out of this? do i have to get anything out of this?
    is she worth all the trouble?

    those are the questions that are going around in my head at the moment.
     

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