Expecting my gf to be perfect

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rafal, Jun 2, 2020.

  1. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

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    I rationally know that no one is perfect. I used to not care about her flaws at all. I didn't even notice them, but now I obsess over them. This is especially things that has to do with being sexual/slutty. I don't really like slutty girls personality wise, though they really turn me on. My gf is wife-material. I know she will be a wonderful mother, she always supports me and so on. But I have developed an addiction to novelty, probably because of porn and PMO. My gf is kind of "boring" and introverted, but so am I. We don't party, experiment sexually or do anything "crazy". We prefer just hanging together, playing cards, exercise together, listen to podcasts and so on. This used to be great until I started ruminating and second guessing everything. We have been together for 7 years so I don't expect the relationship to be as exciting as it used to be. When I see other couples I often compare them to us and generally I don't think most couples act that "in love" after a few years, but it doesn't seem to bother them.

    For quite some time now I've been stuck in an endless situation of rumination and overthinking. I don't know whether it is ROCD or not, but I'm definitely stuck inside my head most of the time. I check if I find my gf attractive, if I like what she does or says, if we're compatible and so on. I'm subconsciously testing her and our relationship 24/7.

    The worst thing about this is how I either get negatively surprised or, in the best case, relived about that she didn't "fail". There is no way I can get positively surprised by what she does, because I expect her to react exactly how I want her to react.

    Another thing is how I compare her to every hot girl I see. I know I can't expect her to not age when she's soon turning 30, but I get "angry"/depressed when i see girls that I find way more attractive than her, even most of them are 10 years younger than her. The first time I saw her I thought she was way out of my league, but now I focus mainly on her flaws.

    I guess you can say that I don't appreciate any her good traits and at the same time obsess over her flaws. I'm a romantic and I used to like my girlfriend for all the right reasons (the way I thought/think relationships ought to be), but it's like PMO has messed with me so I can't appreciate the same things anymore. As if my attraction towards novelty blunts my ability to appreciate what I already got.
     
  2. I feel with you man. I'm in the same situation. I love my wife and personally we match very good.
    I also got this perv. preference for slutty girls in a sexual way. (Not as in a relationship tough) My wife is very introvert.

    I hope my doing this reboot I can appreciate her more in a sexual way too.
    For now I try to look at the things I do like about her. I still fancy her and thinks she is good-looking too. I don't wanna change her to fit my perverted state of mind.

    Maybe the best advice I can give you is try looking at her in a positive way, what do you value about her? Why are you with her in the first place. for me it always remembers me why I married here.
     
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  3. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Same here with a wife and the only woman I ever had sex with. Overthinking is definitely the killer here. We need to stop taking things for granted.
     
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It’s not “like” pmo has messed with you, it IS pmo that has messed with you. No human on earth can compete with porn. Does she know about your addiction?
     
  5. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    This reminds me of my first post on this forum back on Christmas Day 2019. I used to have many of the same thoughts but, since recovery (almost at 200 days without PM now), I am seeing my wife in a whole new light. What’s helped me is remembering that the issues are coming from you and they’ll be there with every partner you have. It doesn’t matter how perfect they are, you’ll always find a flaw. Even something you liked originally could become annoying or a flaw.

    I think a huge part of the problems comes down to our attachment styles and a fear of intimacy. I’ve posted this in the past but it was recommended by my therapist. You can complete the quiz every 31 days to see how your attachment style is adjusting over time. https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/

    I’d never heard of ROCD so thanks for pointing that out too. Definitely resonates a lot with me and has given me something else to reflect on. :)
     
  6. David Angelo

    David Angelo Fapstronaut

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    First I would stop looking at P and try to do a reboot. See what happens to you and your relationship after a period of time. Aim for 90 days and see. You might be surprised.

    But if this doesn't change anything, or if you just feel the same about your gf even after getting free of P, you have to consider a breakup, going through the grief of separation and eventually move on to find someone you are more attracted to.

    I was in the same situation. I loved my gf and think she's very attractive but I didn't get turned on by her. She was also introvert and not slutty. I think it was the sexual attraction problems that caused my PMO use, not the other way around. Now that we split up and I've met someone new, I don't think it was my use of P that caused the loss of attraction to her. I think it was a loss of attraction that led me to use PMO.

    I liked her so much and wanted to stay with her so I unconsciously developed a PMO habit because it helped me to manage the situation and stay in relationship with her. This is not happiness.

    Now that the worst fear of splitting up has happened, I've realised how painful and soul destroying that situation was for me (similar to that you've described about yourself) and now I have compassion for myself for having to use PMO in the circumstances. We both understand that even though we love eachother, we are not compatible for a sexual relationship. Now I enjoy sex again, I don't need PMO, my PIED is fixing itself and my performance is reliable and satisfying.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2020
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