Experiment with Severe depression and Anxiety. Diagnosis? Schizoid. (Journal)

Experiment with Severe depression and Anxiety. Diagnosis? Schizoid. (Journal)

March 23, 2019


Hello everyone, I will introduce myself as Nick. I'll explain a little bit about my history and I do intend to
be as open as possible. From a young age I've suffered from Severe Anxiety, Severe Depression, and a diagnosis was
given to me in my late teens as Schizoid (not schizophrenia) from sleeping 2 days in a row to having panic attacks walking down the road.
As I grew older, things only seemed to delve more into chaos.
I was then diagnosed with ADD and many other diagnosis that just
never sat right with me. I ended up actually dropping out in the
7th grade of Middle school. For years after that, I worked many random
jobs and I was never able to stay working for more than 3 months. Either
my depression would get so severe, I just wouldn't show up. Or my anxiety would get so bad
again, I would not just not show up. Moving on a few years of a repetitive cycle. I managed to get into
a program at a local college which offered college classes and a GED at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I was so busy, occupied, I had no time for anything else. (no time for porn)
I managed to graduate and receive my GED. Now after this, I took a few classes and
then my cycle began to repeat itself. Severe Depression, Anxiety, just withdrawing from the world.
for about a year I did absolutely nothing but go from job to job to job.
I started to see a pattern... during all of this.... for years. I was severely watching Porn.
This goes back to the days of P2P (I was 13) and downloading multiple porn videos at once trying to find the perfect one....
I would stay up until 6 am downloading (slowly) but waiting and waiting looking, watching, obsessing over the next one.
If I just download one more, it will be better than the last. M multiple times.
Then after a few weeks of doing that I would just feel so horrible, I mean, something in the back of my mind was
not clicking right. I would do research (Internet porn is not bad for you, masturbation is good....)
So I would clean everything off my computer. Try to slow everything down. Eventually I would
get about 2 weeks and the pattern would just start right back up again.
Now me being in my Teens at this time, I would think masturbation with porn was a normal thing. I thought I would grow out of it.
I thought I would get tired of porn and really just focus on other things. holy cow has porn just gotton huge since that time.
I'm 29 now almost 30, and it seems like every year, its getting chaotic.
Now from telling you all of that, I wanted to say more about a different pattern that I noticed.
During my spouts of depression I had my family that I would stay with for about 3 months.
Now my family had absolutely no internet access. No anything. I tried to MO without anything
and it was just plain numb. I could've been trying to start a lawn mower with no spark plug. So I would
Give up trying. After a week, I would notice myself start to come out of my depression, my anxiety start to disappear.
able to enjoy things that I just never enjoyed before. I really start to feel like I am taking control.
Then theirs this thought in the corner of my mind. What about Porn?
I'm feeling so great, doing so great, why not add porn?!??!?!!?!??

oops... Well, I managed to find internet access when I visited my family and I put as many videos as I could on a USB stick had a computer
with no internet waiting on me.

From there I went way deep into the cycle again. In my mind I started making this link.

Fast forward I moved back in with my family with internet access and this cycle would go on for multiple years
job job job, depression, anxiety. I cant stop, why stop. Why should I stop, it's not going to change anything. Nothing on the internet said this is
bad it must be my childhood, what all the therapist are telling me. It has to be that. (I never mentioned my porn habit to any therapist or psychiatrist)
I was too ashamed.

Here I am 29 years old. On day 3 of no masturbation, no porn, with a wife that has no idea because its something that I
have hidden my entire life.

yet here I am today. Telling everyone in the world today.

I hope this Journal will be something that can be used in the future.
I hope that this truly is valuable information and that it may help others one day. So,
my goal is to post an update every few days. I will be as open and honest as possible.

Please please please, ask me any questions that are possible. The more information the better.