Experiment with Severe depression and Anxiety. Diagnosis? Schizoid. (Journal)

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by unaware1990, Mar 23, 2019.

  1. unaware1990

    unaware1990 New Fapstronaut

    Experiment with Severe depression and Anxiety. Diagnosis? Schizoid. (Journal)

    March 23, 2019

    Hello everyone, I will introduce myself as Nick. I'll explain a little bit about my history and I do intend to
    be as open as possible. From a young age I've suffered from Severe Anxiety, Severe Depression, and a diagnosis was
    given to me in my late teens as Schizoid (not schizophrenia) from sleeping 2 days in a row to having panic attacks walking down the road.
    As I grew older, things only seemed to delve more into chaos.
    I was then diagnosed with ADD and many other diagnosis that just
    never sat right with me. I ended up actually dropping out in the
    7th grade of Middle school. For years after that, I worked many random
    jobs and I was never able to stay working for more than 3 months. Either
    my depression would get so severe, I just wouldn't show up. Or my anxiety would get so bad
    again, I would not just not show up. Moving on a few years of a repetitive cycle. I managed to get into
    a program at a local college which offered college classes and a GED at the same time.
    For the first time in my life, I was so busy, occupied, I had no time for anything else. (no time for porn)
    I managed to graduate and receive my GED. Now after this, I took a few classes and
    then my cycle began to repeat itself. Severe Depression, Anxiety, just withdrawing from the world.
    for about a year I did absolutely nothing but go from job to job to job.
    I started to see a pattern... during all of this.... for years. I was severely watching Porn.
    This goes back to the days of P2P (I was 13) and downloading multiple porn videos at once trying to find the perfect one....
    I would stay up until 6 am downloading (slowly) but waiting and waiting looking, watching, obsessing over the next one.
    If I just download one more, it will be better than the last. M multiple times.
    Then after a few weeks of doing that I would just feel so horrible, I mean, something in the back of my mind was
    not clicking right. I would do research (Internet porn is not bad for you, masturbation is good....)
    So I would clean everything off my computer. Try to slow everything down. Eventually I would
    get about 2 weeks and the pattern would just start right back up again.
    Now me being in my Teens at this time, I would think masturbation with porn was a normal thing. I thought I would grow out of it.
    I thought I would get tired of porn and really just focus on other things. holy cow has porn just gotton huge since that time.
    I'm 29 now almost 30, and it seems like every year, its getting chaotic.
    Now from telling you all of that, I wanted to say more about a different pattern that I noticed.
    During my spouts of depression I had my family that I would stay with for about 3 months.
    Now my family had absolutely no internet access. No anything. I tried to MO without anything
    and it was just plain numb. I could've been trying to start a lawn mower with no spark plug. So I would
    Give up trying. After a week, I would notice myself start to come out of my depression, my anxiety start to disappear.
    able to enjoy things that I just never enjoyed before. I really start to feel like I am taking control.
    Then theirs this thought in the corner of my mind. What about Porn?
    I'm feeling so great, doing so great, why not add porn?!??!?!!?!??

    oops... Well, I managed to find internet access when I visited my family and I put as many videos as I could on a USB stick had a computer
    with no internet waiting on me.

    From there I went way deep into the cycle again. In my mind I started making this link.

    Fast forward I moved back in with my family with internet access and this cycle would go on for multiple years
    job job job, depression, anxiety. I cant stop, why stop. Why should I stop, it's not going to change anything. Nothing on the internet said this is
    bad it must be my childhood, what all the therapist are telling me. It has to be that. (I never mentioned my porn habit to any therapist or psychiatrist)
    I was too ashamed.

    Here I am 29 years old. On day 3 of no masturbation, no porn, with a wife that has no idea because its something that I
    have hidden my entire life.

    yet here I am today. Telling everyone in the world today.

    I hope this Journal will be something that can be used in the future.
    I hope that this truly is valuable information and that it may help others one day. So,
    my goal is to post an update every few days. I will be as open and honest as possible.

    Please please please, ask me any questions that are possible. The more information the better.
    St. Elmo’s Fire likes this.
  2. Welcome to the community. Thank you for sharing your story.
  3. St. Elmo’s Fire

    St. Elmo’s Fire Fapstronaut

    What courage you have to share that story.

    Mine is very similar, but I have an extra 10 years of this cycle. I have read that having an orgasm (even without porn) has chemical reactions in the brain. I’m sure that doing this over and over, even without watching porn, has to have detrimental effects on brain chemistry and emotional well being.

    It is a very tough cycle. When you are depressed, and just went on a fap binge it is easy to stay motivated about NoFap, much like the alcoholic that has decided to quit on day 1. Then as time goes on, the addiction inside your mind starts convincing you it is okay to return to past behaviors (and you believe it) this is the sick thing about addiction.

    Welcome, I am new as well. I also have had counseling, and have never mentioned to anybody including therapists, that I have PMO addiction.

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