My first experience with porn occurred when I accidentally found my father’s stash at 8 years old – and so began a habit that would take on various guises over the next decades. I was of an age where the internet was in its infancy as an adolescent so most of my early forays were from top-shelf magazines. As internet speeds picked up, however, I would download copious numbers of beautiful women and masturbate to them. This continued on for many years like this and I never really saw it as an issue. But gradually I was building up my tolerance. Even a spurt of going to massage parlours, or visiting prostitutes over a single year didn’t ring alarms for me – I was exploring and I thought it was perfectly normal. I got married, and started to live a settled life, until the missus went away for an extended period. In 2010 I discovered sex cams, both the paid and the random variety. And, like many fellow fapstronauts have described – it was like crack or heroin. One successful escapade with a woman and I was hooked. It was something I kept secret from my wife and family for a number of years as my usage increased – and my tolerance built up. When I was home alone – I would edge for hours – and little did I know the problems this would cause me later. I could feel I was slipping into a form of depression at the same time. I began to isolate myself from friends. My world only really became my family, my wife, my job, and this dark companion that was now a horrible part of me. After I confessed to my wife, who was, and remains supportive, (although I have described it as a generic porn addiction), I succeeded with a hiatus which lasted for about 5 months. However, an innocent – “one look won’t matter” meant pretty soon I was hooked again. And unfortunately, her working arrangement continued to mean I was home alone at least 2 days a week. A bereavement and then being made redundant (although we were alright financially) then contributed to a spiral in 2017 where I kind of lost my identity, and myself to the addiction. I was often bored and continuing to feel down had very little get up and go to get down the gym and to improve myself. I would spent most of the time hooked up to the internet, edging. My diet was poor, on top of the family meals I was munching crap, and I was drinking 10 cups of coffee a day (which is very acidic). Excessive use and continuous edging meant that I suffered a taccycardia. My only rationalisation is that perhaps I had continually edged so much over the years that my neural pathways and conditioning prompted it, or perhaps my body could no longer tolerate the hormones being pumped into it. At the time I wasn’t sure what was going on – I got myself checked out at the hospital and was diagnosed with Acid Reflux, which I have had ever since. I measured my PH pretty soon after and it was 5.5. I set about on adding lots of alkaline foods to my diet (lots of smoothies) – and my body began to reset itself. Naturally I stopped. I got blockers onto everything (I wasn’t part of the NoFap world then), got my wife to hide passwords and so on. And stopped….for a while. You would think that would be enough wouldn’t you? It sounds crazy to me when writing this that that wouldn’t be enough. But it wasn’t. I found my way around the blockers (I hadn’t blocked VPNs – which this time around is corrected). And indulged in a 2 week intense phase when my wife returned to visit her family abroad. This prompted a period of massively heightened anxiety and psychosomatically imagining illnesses. So now we had a health anxiety mixed up with the depression and addiction – and I am pretty sure it was prompted by my masturbation and edging activity. My wife again was supportive although I wonder why she has stayed with me through this sometimes. At this time I informed my family of my addiction. And again the blockers were brought down – my alkaline diet helped to reset my body – and there was no way I could M and O. I got a new job and that took a lot of my attention away from M – having to focus on something else and building a company. But I had left the door ajar. Reddit wasn’t blocked – and while I wouldn’t M as I was worried about the increase in anxiety, I would still ogle the pictures. Although it had been quieted, this was enough to keep the addiction alive. Until we get to now. Along comes a new router and device and suddenly it is access all areas. Again I have been alone for few months as my wife returns abroad for family reasons, and again I find myself being sucked into the vortex, the need to ejaculate calling me. I had tried so hard to resist but have not been able to. My body seems to have recovered through healthy diet (I have had myself checked out and the doctors say that other than acid reflux, which can be managed, and anxiety – similarly – everything else is in working order) – and one check-up with a positive result prompted this descent. Rather than congratulate and build on it, I seemingly decided that self-sabotage is much more important and have indulged in edging over the last couple of weeks. Now we are at a stage where my anxiety is massively up – and I worry about another taccycardia – they have felt close previously and are anxiety driven. I found NoFap and am glad that others have found their way out of this. I hope to stand on the shoulders of giants. I regret the day I ever originally found the sex cams. I know I’ve got to follow you all. I know that I need to admit this addiction and get on a 12 step scheme. I’ve got hold of Blocksite and that seems a very good solution to blocking everything – and will let someone else manage the passwords. I’m identifying my triggers – I know that I need to get out of the house as soon as I feel the urge and go visit people when home alone. I’m going to hand my router away. I need to turn this around. This decade has been hell from an addiction perspective and so destructive. I’m not the man my wife married – I’m a husk in comparison to that guy, although somehow I’ve managed to keep most of my health (as long as I can stay away from masturbation), my marriage and a good job. I’m embarrassed to be in my early 40’s and to be suffering this. And yet this feels like a key crossroads – if I keep on my descent then I could well and truly be fucked – whereas if I can turn this around now – I can get stronger and return to myself. Thanks to everyone who read this. I’ve got to do this. This has to be bottom and the only way from here HAS to be UP. This is Day 1.