Extreme inroduction... :|

It's a miracle I started typing... A damn miracle.
I'm gasping for breath right now.
I almost failed and gave up.

I'm 33 years old right now and have been on the wrong side of the net since around the age of 19. The age when I was a gogetter, had tons of friends and was outgoing. I joined NoFab because I know I have a serious problem. A problem I want and NEED to get rid of as it feels like it is destroying everything that makes me a person that attracts, and rather turns me into a person that repels. I've been wanting to stop for years, but always found myself behind the computer again and again, for hours on end, day after day... PMOing! What a waste of years. A terrible waste. When I think about all of the accumulated time I've put into this. And for what?! I feel sorry for myself even though I shoudln't. How did I let this happen?! Why?! I'm angry with myself. I have to stop. I need to break this cycle.

I've been blocking every thought of porn succesfully for the past 5 days, even though I'm in a rough period in my life. I don't get images of porn in my head anymore. I get flashes, but I have been succesfully removing them easily. But my life is a mess right now. I don't even remember what I like to do. I forgot my hobbies. I smoke hash. My stress levels are high, I don't set any goals. The addiction has pushed me to social isolation. Only a few good friends remain and god forbid if they knew!... I feel like I'm on the edge of depression, and I know this disgusting thing I have been craving for years is the main ugly disgusting reason.

About 15 minutes ago I was sitting on my bed watching a movie on my laptop with my legs in crossed-legged position. As I adjusted my position my ankle grazed my crotch, and all of the sudden, after days of nothing, I get this extremely powerful urge to give in. My mind said "Just open a tab and to it. Whats stopping you.." My heart started racing. I started foricing gross images in my head. It felt like I had to really fight! My eyes even teared up like a little girl for christs sake! I started to race to the NoFap site... After days of reading journals, it seemed to me putting this down was helping some of you guys. I think it saved me today. And this was only 5 days.

I have to stop.
I hope I don't have to do this again tomorrow.

 

I actually still haven't failed my challenge... The extreme difficulty I described 23 days ago is no longer there... Sometimes porn, or a sexual thought pops into my head and I'll think about masturbation (usually triggered by pic or video), but I've gotten very good at dismissing those thoughts. The first two weeks were the worst... I would get anxiety-like symptoms. Not knowing what to do with my time... etc. I decide to tell someone I could trust about this... It was a woman I grew up with. She's always been very openly about sex subjects. Telling someone gave me a feeling of having something like a failsafe...
I imagined that if I would fail I would have to tell her... and that would bring me shame. This works pretty well... There have been several occasions where she would just go and grab something to eat with me because she would notice my anxiety. I owe her so much... she started me up, and I don't know if I could've done this on my own strength.

I have decided that jerking is just not something I do! Period.
The instant I notice porn images I start forcing them out and force another one in. The new thought will be about something funny I saw or heard that day...
I'll clean a room in my house... (there's always something to do in the house)....
I do NOT touch my penis in any way! Only when I need to pee or when I'm in the shower... Don't let your hands linger down there.
Go down there only if its with a purpose.

I will not fail this!
This started as a challenge, but is now a mission.
A mission I will finish!