Extreme romantic loneliness and depression

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Arbiter, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. Arbiter

    Arbiter Fapstronaut

    See, the problem is that I do have a quite big social circle, I have friends and even close friends with whom I can share this kind of stuff, but nothing helps.

    I have been single for almost 3 years now, with absolutely zero success with women, when I approach women they instantly friendzone me, if I ask them out directly they reject me, attracting them in various ways doesnt work too. No girl has approached me either (and trust me girls approach guys if they find them attractive, a lot of times, this is actually how I met my first and the only girlfriend for the time).

    I work out for 3 to 4 years as of now, I have a good physique, speak 3 languages and have plenty of hobbies and interests, have a job, but nothing helps. Goddamn.

    Im honestly thinking this is because of my height, Im 5'4"" and thats kind of short where I live. I think girls are not attracted to me because of this, because they are either taller than me or the same height as me. And thats not attractive sadly.
    I even had girls tell me straight in my face that they wouldnt date me because Im too short for them. Fuck off.

    I tried and put myself out , there a lot of times, went to parties, met through my circle of friends, went to meetups, concerts etc. but nothing helps really.
    I have been on tinder for few months or so, set up a very nice profile with good pictures. I rarely get any matches and if I do, they ghost me after a while.

    And no, its not my personality. I am not an asshole, niceguy nor a weirdo. Im pretty chill and funny guy and thats it, but people dont know that deep inside im kind of depressed.
    All of these people trying to gaslight you on the internet saying it must be because of your personality, oh please. If there is no sexual attraction to begin with your personality doesnt even matter. And thats why girls date dumb people, assholes and jerks (im not a niceguy, but just saying)

    Anyway, I always come home from the work or the gym lonely and depressed, to the point where I can cry for hours at night. I have thought about suicide a year or two ago did not do it.

    Its not that I want sex so much its just basic human love and contact, I feel like no one in the world really cares for me (I mean there are friends, but they do not care about you like a significant other), I really miss the feeling of someone deeply caring for me and hugging me and such.

    Im lost.
    I need help with this.
    I appreciate honest comments.
  2. Player 1

    Player 1 Fapstronaut

    Hey man just to tell you, I can really relate on many points: Small height, physical shape, rejection, loneliness...

    I've been a nice guy through all my fucking teenage years and that's almost making me a psychopath today, I never realized it until some point and now I'm mad at myself for being naive all these years I could've socialized easily but was staying that needy geek instead.
    Now when you're a grown up (past 20) socializing & getting girl seems to be harder, it's a whole new level of indifference from people. You need solid assets to be attractive... I remember at 16 some girls would date you only because you're "cute", but since I couldn't affirm myself like today so many missed opportunities.

    I completely understand you, I also tried to make some effort, go out, try to see if any girls is looking at me, but none seem really interested... + I live in the hood so it ain't easy everyday if you don't have some strong self-confidence.

    Despite the effort, going back home, pissed, angry at my failures & my past despite the small progresses that can't really fix the whole real problem.

    I'm also suffering from that lack of affection and pretending it's alright doesn't work anymore.
    Stay strong my friend, who knows what may happens... Sorry if I sound like I'm pissed (although I am...) I just want to tell you, you're not alone. I just hope it helped you a little to read me and that you'll ever find a girl that suits you, you're fighting/searching at least, it can only increase your chances
    Tafi and Arbiter like this.
  3. Arbiter

    Arbiter Fapstronaut

    Wow I never thought somebody else is going through the exact same thing as I do. I can also relate to a lot of what you said, definitely can relate to coming back home angry and pissed off for no reason. Being unloved really fucks up your mind, Im feeling always tired because of this, always wanting to go back to sleep.

    People who never been in this situation will never understand.
    I hope we can figure this out somehow man.
    Player 1 likes this.
  4. Friend zone isn't a bad place to start. The art of friend zone game is to prevent getting rejected in the first place. How do you do this? You put the girl into your friend zone first. Then you have all options including meeting her (female) friends. If you approach a girl with intentions and a needy vibe instead, you get rejected. Then you are in a bad place.

    So you're quite handsome despite being short. This can actually reduce your dating pool. But it also means, that all the advice aimed at average and overweight men doesn't work for you. You don't double your dating by getting even more handsome - quite the opposite.

    So you do all these things to meet standards of others?

    Girls make up excuses, when they are not attracted to you. If they are attracted, height is irrelevant.

    That vibe hurts your dating for sure.

    This is exactly what you radiate: Neediness. This needs to change completely, because the question is how much love you can give, not take.
  5. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Well, I dig philosophy and I’ll give a pro and a con.

    You have a need in life to be loved and appreciated, cared for and acknowledged. It is a basic, undeniable need and for you to move on in life you must have this basic need fulfilled. I’m not being sarcastic, but plain clear and real.

    Until a while ago I was in a sort of similar boat, but not identical. I didn’t really fall in love with my gfs, they chose me and I still felt unloved. I had crushes and found lovely and smart girls that I wanted to see more often because they were soothing my loneliness and lack of care, but that made me excruciatingly needy. You say you’re not a ‘nice guy’, but the need to be cared for by someone else does imply neediness, a nice guy. And it’s not wrong at all!

    The deal here is a bit deeper than finding a girlfriend. I stopped looking for girls because I noticed that i am falling for the same type (and i get rejected). The type of girls I fall for have some sort of behaviour that resembles my father’s behaviour, a person that neglected me emotionally and I desperately wanted his love and appreciation.

    I’m pretty pretty sure that there are girls in your area that would be glad to date you, just you don’t find them attractive. And you don’t find them attractive because they don’t seem to look as they will actually deeply care about you, they don’t resemble the most important care taker from your childhood.

    I may be wrong, but I found peace once I noticed I’ve been trying to date my dad (sounds sad, but it’s true). I decided that since I cannot ever win his love and appreciation, I will have to give it myself, learn to love myself and get my own approval, not someone else’s.

    Does it make sense?
    Starboii and Tafi like this.
  6. I can 100% relate to what you're saying. I'm 5'4'' too and DEFINITELY believe this is a huge part of the problem when it comes to attraction. Average height / tall guys have the potential to generally be more successful in life, be leaders and earn more respect - this is just my opinion from experience (from talking to girls and the jobs I have worked) and obviously there are successful short guys but we somehow have to work on ourselves in other ways we can change. I am trying to find a passion I can develop and put myself in the environment where I can interact with like minded people, male and female, then who knows what may develop mentally, socially and possibly romantically. You say you have been to meetups, concerts etc. but other than being with a girl, have you got ONE passion or goal in life you're willing to die for at this moment? I am trying to figure that out personally. I also can relate with the whole wanting human contact thing and not necessarily wanting just sex. I get depressed and tearful too when I view myself in a negative light after a stressful or meaningless day. I don't really 'enjoy' life but feel I am just existing. The advice I know that may sound like a cliche is this: rather than 'looking' to find a girl, focus on how you could have an influence on your community - women are attracted to men who display dominance and confidence in their chosen field rather than just looks, even though we are already disadvantaged being short. It's fucking hard man. Things take time, it's probably a case of accepting the hand you've been dealt with and being grateful for the things you have now and how worse off you could have been.
  7. Arbiter

    Arbiter Fapstronaut

    No no no, obviously not. I workout/do bodybuilding because it is my passion, and because it makes me feel good about myself and the way I look, besides that I love it it just feels good. I dont care about other peoples expectations at all.

    But am I wrong?
    Your (or my) personality is irrelevant when you are not physically attractive to her, the sexual/physical attraction comes before the attraction to personality.

    I mean, the first thing she sees even before getting to know you is your appearance, face, body, you get what I mean. Its the exterior.
  8. So you are a short guy doing bodybuilding. This might actually hurt your prospects, because it might look like, that you're compensating something, even if that isn't your intent.

    I'm not a really short, but very slim guy. I do not do bodybuilding, because it would just look ridiculous on me. So my workout is focused on cardio, not on building up muscles.

    It's your behavior, your confidence, the aura you radiate, which makes you interesting.

    You are just projecting your own preference for physical attraction onto women. They don't work this way.

  9. You are actually 100% right, and may I ask how do you get peace ? how do you learn to love yourself? . you see my dad is always away from the country working and I ahvent spend quality father/on time with him since I was 5 years old or more and its hard. Noone to point you in the right direction and this lead me to the path of PMO :(
  10. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    I think you're on a side track here. I believe you confuse what physically attractive means with what the magazines are telling you looking good means.

    Any woman, at any stage in her reproductive life, will look for a mate that is healthy, because she wants her genes to be passed on with a healthy mate since that ensures the survival of the offspring. So what you want is to identify what "healthy" means and pursue it. What you want is to look, feel, behave and express healthy. Having a 6-pack and being able to lift a car is not healthy, it's actually repelling, if you are needy.

    You can be a bit round or, like me, quite skinny, but if you take care of yourself (physically AND emotionally) this will radiate on your face, you'll look more confident and that will make you more physically attractive, they'll be interested in you.

    If, on the other hand, you wear baggy trousers and everyone can see your ass-line or you don't shave regularly, or you don't brush your teeth, or you basically look uncared for... of course you will by unattractive, even if you have a 6-pack! She doesn't want to take care of you, she wants to rely on you.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    I think you identified the source of the problem quite well.

    This very question plagued me for a very long while and sometimes it still does, mainly because I know how to show love to someone, but I don't know how to receive love. As we always try to impress our care takers and to get their appreciation, it's their task to acknowledge this love and then teach us to receive back. I hate to receive presents and compliments, I have a feeling I'm not the only one here with this issue.

    The best way I found to love myself is to do what my parents didn't teach me.

    Structure for discipline
    Create structure in the day and the week: eating at the same time, spending time with my feelings, going to the gym at set hours and for set goals, going to sleep at set hours, waking up at set hours.

    This creates trust in your abilities that you can do what you set out to do. You'll fail, I fail every week! But striving to still show up for me is, I believe, the key. Think about you being two people: the adult and the child. The child is spontaneous and will screw your schedule and it is your task, as the adult, to provide a guide for discipline to the child inside you.

    Build trust
    My father promised me so many things when I was a kid. A bicycle (I actually learnt to ride a bike at 36 years old), trips to places, rent for my flat until I get back on my feet. None of these happen consistently and so I stopped trusting my dad entirely. I couldn't build self-trust because I was not in control of what was going and there was no consistency in his behaviour either. So quite regularly I let myself down: I know I would be better off to cook at home, but I'm tired today so I'll cook a frozen pizza. You cannot build trust in yourself if you behave like this. "I'm tired and I don't want to cook, but it's better for my health" is how you build self trust: I care for my body.

    Another way to see it is also, for example, doing small repairs in the house. Yeah, that bath tub's paint is chipped since 6 months, but since I have no visitors no one can see I, it can stay as it is. And you don't invite friends over because, darn it, you didn't fix that chip in the paint and you may be embarrassed. Fixing that chipped paint will do two things:
    a) will give you a sense of accomplishment, you did something by yourself and looks pretty damn good
    b) you can socialise at home, with friends, in a more casual manner

    It's just an example, but you get the picture.

    Putting yourself first
    Learning to say no, assertiveness basically (I suck big time at this) is probably the most important trait. Second would be to find your likes and dislikes; sounds stupid but how many times did you go with what others think is good, even though you felt in your gut the opposite? I did it and still do it often. Once you know your likes and dislikes it may become easier to say no to other people. What's your favourite food, what's your favourite movie genre, are you in the right job. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? What's your least favourite chore? Sounds stupid, but it isn't; it is a way of self-discovery, finding out what YOU like and don't like, and not let others decide on your behalf. Also, put priority on YOUR enjoyment, not others (the girl). With emotional neglect, your option was to prioritise your care-taker, seeking their approval. This you can address by yourself by prioritising your own enjoyment and not that of a perceived future care taker (the said girl).

    It will feel like you'll become selfish, but I think overall you won't be; you'll be assertive.

    Self compassion
    Judging, blaming and disliking and insulting yourself will not make you better. You'll just berate yourself and you'll lose even more trust in your abilities. When a kid makes a mistake and the parent berates him... well the kid will grow up scared. But if the kid is taught that he made a mistake and he can learn from it to avoid whatever has happened, then the kid may grow up not being afraid of the world, but embracing it. That kid is you, that parent is you.

    In short, you need to learn to re-parent yourself. When a girl will see that you are disciplined, trust yourself and are confident, are assertive and laugh at little mistakes... she will want to be around you, because you won't be needing her for your survival. And then you can choose one that's intelligent over one that's just a magazine poster.

    I hope I'm making sense; it took me probably 3 years to even be able to articulate what I wrote above, because most of the information you find on the interwebs is pure rubbish.
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2019
  13. pfb2019

    pfb2019 Fapstronaut

    Okay. I posted before, but I can't respond to other threads from my inbox. What do I have to do?

    Now on to extreme lonieness. I just completed a 10-week study group yesterday. Going to a celebration dinner tomorrow and don't want to go because it's very difficult to hold a decent conversation, even though I met some really nice people. Please spare the 'be yourself' comments. Don't EVER, EVER tell me that. "being myself" means for me, being a bit put off spending a lot of time in my own world. I can't even feel comfortable around my family when I visit them. There is something very seriously wrong with that and it really bothers me a lot. wtf am I to do? I don't feel relaxed, even with those that go to my church (and those I've met in church). Now that is a red flag. Hopeless here....is there a way out?? I'm trying not to post here as often as I have...

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