What is that 'point' when control is lost? Is there a way in the brain of an addict to recognise that point and step away - in effect 'choose a different option'?
In the SAA program, they use a model called "the three circles." It can also be thought of as a red light/yellow light/green light situation. The inner circle/red light are those behaviors that would constitute a relapse. PMO, sex outside of the relationship, sexting another partner, etc. The middle circle/yellow light are things that aren't relapse, but definitely aren't healthy and are likely to
lead to relapse. These are typically mental or circumstantial conditions: isolation, idle time, anger, depression, an unfiltered internet connection, etc. The outer circle/green light is all the healthy stuff: hobbies, community, meditation, recovery work, church, exercise.
The "middle circle" is that area where an addict has an opportunity to course-correct to avoid relapse.
I spent 45 days at The Meadows in Wickenburg, AZ, which is considered the best treatment facility in the world for sex addiction. They had a relapse prevention model that made a lot of sense to me. It depicted a boulder at the top of a hill, representing the addict. If the boulder starts slowly rolling down the slope, it doesn't take much effort to stop, intially. But once it picks up momentum, it can be almost impossible to stop. That's a little like the addicted brain.
It feels like he had made a decision that he was going to look, and made a half hearted attempt at following his steps to keep him safe, but actually he made a series of choices and at no point was he unconscious, he remembers walking back in and to the laptop. It wasn't his rational brain, but it was his brain that made those choices - if he tried to use 'loss of control' in a court it wouldn't stand.
It's a tough thing for non-addicts to understand, but this is a case of "making decisions" with an impaired brain. Yes, there is choice in the matter. But that choice is also being heavily influenced by a jacked-up brain chemistry. It's similar to someone who's had a few drinks--yes, they can technically make decisions, but their impairment is likely having an effect.
Courts today
do somewhat understand that--culturally there's an understanding that a drunk woman can't consent to sex, for instance. I have mixed feelings about that (if a woman gets drunk, that is her decision, and why are we requiring men to not only be responsible for their own decisions, but hers as well?), but at least there's some acknowledgement that an impaired brain isn't always a rational brain.
Thanks for the offer of support, sadly we are now beyond that. After 3 years of joint and individual counseling our relationship has broken down. I hope he finds a way to get into recovery, but he'll have to work that out for himself.
I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope you guys both find healing. Your story is similar to my ex and I. She was always my biggest cheerleader in my recovery, despite the enormous pain and damage I caused. Eventually she just had to 'tap out' and file for divorce. We still care about one another very much and have a very amicable relationship. But the damage was too much to overcome.
I have a huge amount of empathy for him. I hope he would agree that since finding out about his addiction I've loved and supported him, and done all I could physically, emotionally and practically. I keep reminding him what a wonderful human being he is, unfortunately I don't think he believes me.
I totally relate to this. My ex has moved on and forgiven me for what happened in our marriage, but I still struggle with the shame of what I did. And the more time I spend in recovery, the more 'real' the pain and damage I caused feels. And I realize that self-condemnation and shame are not helpful in my recovery--but it's very difficult not to go there mentally. I look back and think "how could I have done those things?" and yet, I did. I feel like such a different man than I was then, but that was still me. And that's just a hard thing to come to terms with.
