Facing my problem

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Syncedandcorrected, May 3, 2018.

  1. Syncedandcorrected

    Syncedandcorrected Fapstronaut

    I have realized I have a problem that has ruined large parts of my life for years and it has ruined my relationships with women again and again. I am 35 and did not have any longer and meaningful relationships until my wife who I have been married to for two years now. She moved here from another country to be with me and she has struggled hard to fit in. In the beginning of our relationship I could stay away from porn. When she had to leave the country temporarily for visa reasons it started again. Then she got terribly sick for months and months and it started to happen semi regurlaly in secret (in the bathroom with my phone). It was incredibly stressful and I guess that pushed me to relapse into an old addiction from single life I didn’t know I had. I never completely stopped since even after she got better and our married life also started to improve. It happened maybe once a week on average, sometimes none a week, sometimes twice a week. It kept me from fully connecting with my wife sexually and I was in denial of this. I also denied and lied when she asked me if I ever look at porn. My wife has also struggled with severe depression and all kinds of issues from being abused as a child. It’s been very hard to deal with that. She has become isolated and dependant on me.

    When things were actually going pretty good in our marriage she found porn searches on my phone. Life has been hell ever since. She loves me but is extremely hurt and hateful towards me. I have had to face the full extent of something I should have faced long before her. I was completely unaware of how messed up I was. It has been altercations between us that goes on for hours and hours.

    It has been easy to stay away from porn since “D-day” 33 days ago but we have also had a lot of sex, surprisingly the best sex I ever had. Everything else is just darkness, grief and hatred. She has been wanting to leave but is dependant on me for everything. I have told her I’ll take out a loan and give everything to her if that is what she needs to do but she also keeps saying she will kill herself if we break up. We’re just stuck in this hell. I am trying hard to sort out what happened and my part in it and also what I need to do and what I really want.

    When she asks me question I often tell half truths and dissemble without realizing it. It always end with a horrible fight that slowly coaxes a straight answer from me. I am incredibly frustrated with myself and don’t understand why I keep doing it. She already knows the worst. Why is it so hard for me to say exactly what I feel?
    Tiger's Breath and ele7ven like this.
  2. Welcome. Glad you are here.

    Take some time to read the reboot material (available here => http://www.nofap.com/getting-started) and come up with a plan for what you will do when you are faced with urges. It has good advice, so don't skip it! :)

    Perhaps start writing a journal - if you feel comfortable telling people about happened and what's going on now, you will start to feel accountable to them. You may even inspire others. It's a nice feeling! This will help your recovery.

    Also, try to add something into your life that makes you the kind of person who doesn't engage in PMO. Think about doing:
    Something you enjoy
    Something you're good at
    Something important
    Something for somebody else, without thought of reward (and if you DO get an unintended reward, do something ELSE, perhaps for a different person or group).

    Read the journals of others - we all learn from each other. For example, I received the above good advice from a far more experienced member of the community who shared his knowledge. Don't just stay within your own age group or part of the world. Share your knowledge in a respectful way.

    This is a great post about what lies ahead of you during the reboot. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/time-to-be-done-with-this.140257/page-26#post-1442099

    This is a fantastic way to explain what you'll be feeling during your reboot.

    Read, learn, apply.

    Look around the forums, get to know people. Everyone is friendly, and will try to support you. We're all in the same boat here. :)

    Be kind to others and others will be kind to you, both here and IRL.

    You may wish to encourage your wife to come here too, as there is a rich and supportive section for SO's (Significant Others) here. She can get support and advice from those who are going through what she is. If she'd like that, ask her to click on this link, and drop a thread there asking for advice. The SO Community will be with her all the way.

    I wish you a successful reboot.
  3. Syncedandcorrected

    Syncedandcorrected Fapstronaut

    Thank you, everything is very scary right now. I’m trying to stay functional so I don’t miss any work and stays able to pay bills.

    I am very interested in the reboot process. I need my wife to support it though. My secret behaviour has caused her all kinds of insecurities about how I see her. I’m not sure if abstaining from any sexual activity might be even more damaging to her.

    I have started a small journal, it helps sorting out everything a little bit.
  4. Tiger's Breath

    Tiger's Breath Fapstronaut


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