Failed during a b***job

Hello, there! I am a 32 yo man from Brazil and addicted to porn for a long while, since I was a teenager and had to backup my picture files in floppy disks. My report may be kind of TRIGGERING, so avoid if you prefer.

Well... I was successful in a 90-day streak in 2017 and then, after a while, I found I was healed, but felt again into porn addiction, even harder and deeper. From then to now, I am trying to get rid of this, but I relapse many times when things are not a complete trash. I tend to think it is not harming me, since I can cope with ordinary sex situations in general.

Just to give a brief ideia, I escalated from straight porn to lesbian to trans to crossdressing porn and to several other things that did not call my attention before and are different from my standard sexuality. I even scheduled a date with an amateur crossdresser in my city. He/she gave me a blowjob and it was a very weird situation. After that, sometimes I went again to watch cd porn, trying at least not to orgasm, but it is always something that messes my brain, no doubts.

Even though I have been having some issues through all theses years, I just feel I went too far when I fail in sex. And this happened yesterday. AGAIN!

I am a married guy and love to have sex and to experiment with women. Although I am married, I sometimes have relations outside. With my wife things go easier, because I know all the "system", how everything works and feel less pressure. However, even at home, depending on the level of porn watching at the time, and depending on my wife willingness to have sex, sometimes I have minor issues.

Well, the point is: yesterday I had the opportunity to date a beautiful 18 yo girl. I was with her in a place that was not very comfortable and not very safe. But everything was going fine, we kissed and all the things. There was a time she just kneeled and started sucking me.

TRIGGER

It was a BEAUTIFUL scene indeed looking at her horny face doing what she was doing. Well, to sum up the story: thing is that, after some moments of her sucking and licking, my d*** start to soften, I felt a huge rush of adrenaline, a change of mood, started to sweat and feel uneasy and then I had to ask her to stand up and stop.

It is SO ENORMOUSLY embarrassing. Now I am afraid to date her once again. I need help and need to take not using porn - PMO - seriously FOREVER.

I hope this community helps. I want this never to happen again.

 

Hello to all. I think we did not start very well here. I thought people in this community would have a broader sense of reception. I am going through several things, as I believe most of you are. It is not easy to harness the brain wishes, especially if you are suffering from a fucking addiction since you were a teenager. I would quote to reply, but most of the replies were on how I am wrong to cheat, full of moralism and judgement. But, just to say, I am not happy on having watched, for example, transwoman porn so many times. PMOing to things that are unnatural to me and have never been my real desires. It is very bad too. I know I am wrong in many ways. I don't need anyone to tell me because I blame myself enough. And all this adds to the problem of loss of erection, I suppose. All the addiction and all the thoughts of doing things in the wrong way, being unfair with someone I love and so on.

Sorry for the ones who replied warmly and trying to figure out what is happening, having a broader view on the situation.

As a friend said before, one step at a time. The point is: I want to finally and definitely stop backing on porn, then on the sequence PMO. Because all the times I go back I feel I go deeper in the addiction. I mean: the addiction went too far that I almost fucked a GUY wearing girly clothes. Come on, I never felt ANY attraction for men, it is somehow even disgusting for me to see two guys kissing. I mean, it is not something that attracts me. However, because of this mental state, I met a crossdresser. It is so SHAMEFUL, you know. I am opening my heart here, that's why I don't need judgement as some did before, I ruined a part of my life in so many ways that I can't even realize. So, as you see, things went VERY FAR and I know it is all because of the porn addiction and what it made to my brain.

As I mentioned before, I watch porn for more or less 20 years, since my early adolescence. I have been through lots of different stimulation concerning porn, a wide range of things that are not usual in sex, but became ordinary to me since I had to find every time something harder, weirder and then it started somehow shaping my mind and making ordinary sex feels boring. The recent failure with the girl I mentioned in the first post sounded the alarm that anything is VERY BAD and VERY ROTTEN inside my head. That is why I mentioned the situation.

She is an amazing girl, beautiful, hot, horny, sexy and all the good adjectives you can think of. She was pleasing herself while pleasing me and I just lost erection. How come? What I think is: if this happens with this beauty, I am useless and completely destroyed. This situation tells me that I need to recover and to rewire and to reconnect to myself and to my sensations and to my real desires urgently. That is why I came here. Before, the first time I did nofap, I just used to come here, read the threads, keep my own log and so on. But as things went worse and worse, having this final episode made me think a lot, I decided to really enter the community.

I think the recovering is for any situation of sex. In this moment, it is what I am loo I am not a saint, not even a correct men in terms of social rules, since I've cheated some times and initially don't think this is the main problem. For me, the main problem is the extent of "desensibilization" porn brought to my brain and to my perception on "normal" sex. My experiences since the very beginning were full of anxiety and I have had performance anxiety every time I dated a new girl, although in the end I always found a way to "accomplish" the goal and to make me and my partner happy. In my long relationships, with time, this anxiety disappeared and things went very well, with completely healthy erections and excellent sex.

I want to get rid of this performance anxiety, that I suppose comes from PMOing too and from the damage porn made to my brain. I know I am married now, but I don't know what is gonna be tomorrow. My brain is in such a messy situation that I don't have clarity to see. What I want is to have a healthy sex life, I want not to be afraid before sex and foreplay starts, I want not to be thinking about performance issues, if my penis will work properly and so on. This is very bad and destroys one's confidence.

So, that is why I am here. To fix my brain, to get rid of porn and all the bad things it brings, to become a lighter person, more aware and confident. I started to meditate again and also to get rid of my stress. Anxiety brings stress too, and I've become a very uneasy person in several situations.

Thank you for the attention, I hope I find a way to improve here and to quit porn forever at last.

 

Thank you for your kind insight. I tried to bring more info. I really thank you all who can try to help me. We are trying to figure the way together, I suppose. And I moved for this.

Thank you.

 

Man, it is terrible. I was connected, the situation was amazingly good, and out from nowhere was like a rush of cold and adrenaline went up to my head and "disabled" all the systems in my body. I became nervous for nothing, started sweating, although I was in a somewhat dangerous place (at work, to be precise). But it was at the same time "safe", nothing would happen, but I became distracted and lost erection... I tried to tell my perspective in a broader way some posts above.

I don't believe the problem is the age. I am perfectly ok when having sex in tranquility. And perfectly ok, for example, when watching porn (and that is the problem...).

We were kissing before and touching it other and I was not using a condom. That is why the situation makes me feel shit, because there was no reason to fail at that time.

I told my objective is getting rid of porn forever and creating a meaningful sex life, being a better person, stop having performance anxiety. Many things...

Thank you for your kind reply, abraços!