Well I ended up waking up and MO then in the day I looked at some videos. So much more disappointing than I even remember it being. An utter sham how is P so looked at as being OK by the majority of the world. I feel like I have robbed myself and I'm probably going to be paying for it for a long time now. The reason I didn't relapse yesterday was because I didn't want to go on the emotional roller-coaster of withdrawal again. But then a day later I failed. I want to die this is messed up I hate myself. Got so far I was beginning to have a positive impact on a few people close to me and getting them to open up about their own struggles then I go and cave its pathetic. Its literally pathetic. I was seeing some very positive improvements in my life I really hope this doesn't put me back at the beginning and I have to experience all the flatline again. I feel like my main problem I was getting a lot of strength from God then I have been getting really depressed and anxious lately and I haven't been giving God much time. Instead I've been watching netflix and just being downright lazy. I've had a few cigarettes because it feels like my brain is just melting I'm not to sure what that is if it something else or its been my brain normalizing. Well I guess it's back to the beginning any word from some of the wise would be appreciated. I have to do this this time or I fear its all over. I cannot go back this is not OK this is worse than relapsing on heroin I am broken.