Failure, Disappointment and Tears, the Journey to Joy, Life and Love - Journal

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. David333

    David333 Fapstronaut

    Today is day one, ground zero.

    Today I learnt what edging was and finally dispelled the notion that edging was 'fine' and 'didn't count'. I knew it counted but for some reason it took going over the edge to stop lying to myself.

    I am so over failing, I have made some progress in this journey but I long for the day when I start my flight, never to return to the ground again. I am over the self hatred, disappointment, loss, fallout, loss of self respect and the pain of my failures.

    I am getting married in 6 days, a fact that holds promise, but also carries a certain judgement. She deserves better than this, she deserves to be able to trust me and know that our sexual relationship is where all our sexual needs are being met. I don't want her to have to deal with this anymore, I don't want to have to confess over the phone or in person, I don't want to hear her heart sink and the pained sigh that follows. Her pain only highlights my own.

    For a long time I have been hesitant to say that this will never happen again, I have always doubted myself and in doing so I have kept the door open to future failure. It is time to shake off this lie and remember that we can beat this for good.

    I have the good promise of Jesus,
    1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV
    13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

    Today I say never again, I hope the audacious hope, I declare salvation and healing over my life.

    Today is day one, today is take off.

    Who will join me?
  2. Jeremy_Jr.

    Jeremy_Jr. Fapstronaut

    First, Welcome to the community Bro! I'm glad that you're here and finally had the courage to address the issue. We are here to support each other and I hope you'll have a great time as you start your journey and abstain against these wrong desires. Second, Congratulations in advance on your upcoming wedding! This will be another chapter of your life and I know your decision to be here will help you make things right, and you becoming the best husband you can be for your future wife. Practically your battle depends on how deep PMO has been a part of your life for the past years but no matter how hard your battle is going to be as long as you know God's promises in you (1Cor.10:13) then nothing is impossible! You are strong in Christ bro! He can break those chains!
    God bless brother! Let's stay committed in our goals and May God strengthen you each day as you progress @David333
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2018
    David333 likes this.
  3. David333

    David333 Fapstronaut

    Day two,

    Successful day, looking at the days challenges from the perspective of having to write about them later was very helpful. It helped me focus on my promise and commitment and took power away from the darkness in my heart. (BTW I recommend journaling to anyone who is on a similar journey. I have always brushed off the idea of journaling as pointless but I was wrong)

    I started the day with a short run and some pressups etc. It felt good to work out again after such a long period of idleness. My morning actually felt more restful due to this. I had a mostly uneventful morning until I went to get a blood test, while in the waiting room I picked up a top gear magazine to pass the time. I wasnt expecting this but part way through they had a full page and triggering FHM add. I managed to look away quickly and turn the page but there was still that pull from that dark place in my heart to look closer and take another glance. I will have to be more vigilant in the future.

    I had to go into town to run an errand, I wasn't expecting any issues or triggers, I just wanted to buy some socks and pick something up. I was dismayed by the number of teenagers and young women wearing triggering and revealing clothing. It feels like every year shorts get shorter and the styles go younger. This is when thinking of my journal was helpful. I could feel that dark part of me pulling at me to look, I was mostly successful at keeping my eyes in check but I did take a second glance at a young woman in leggings. Part of me wanted so strongly to stare at her derrière but I managed to tear myself away. I count this as a victory, however small, but even the first glance makes you feel dirty. Even if you were completely blindsided and were simply going about your day. I have the promise of Jesus that I will get better at this. Him and I want the same thing, for me to divert my eyes quickly and to never take a second glance. If Jesus is for me, who can be against me?

    On the bus ride home I was thinking about my journal and how I would talk about this trial and I was given this image of me strangling the dark predator inside my heart and at the same time wrestling my eyes. One hand around the throat of my dark self and the other wrestling with my eyes. I was winning, though my eyes would occasionally see through a crack in my fingers, they would not see for long before I had adjusted my grip. The predator would writhe for oxygen, struggling with renewed strength whenever a triggering image or girl would come along but each time it struggled my grip would get tighter, stronger. I will not let it surface for air. I will choke its influence out of my life, I will not feed this dog.

    I pray for my brothers who are in this struggle with me. For those of you who have been tested, rest in Jesus. To those who have relapsed, remember your hope in Christ, one day you will start that clock never to reset it again.

    James 1:13-18 NIV
    13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;
    14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.
    15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
    16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.
    17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
    18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
  4. David333

    David333 Fapstronaut

    Day 3,

    Pretty uneventful I am happy to say. Been busy organizing and packing so I can leave tomorrow. Keeping busy does help.

    Thank you lord for an easy day, for allowing me to recharge and remember that this sin does not rule my life. Eventually this will be the new normal and I am looking forward to it.
    Jeremy_Jr. likes this.
  5. PatrickH

    PatrickH Fapstronaut

    You can do it
    David333 likes this.