Falling in love - Should I share the past?

formeandthem

New Fapstronaut
Hey all, I am Kevin.

Please bear with me as I introduce my parkour but jump to the last paragraph of part 1 if you want to see my questions.

Part 1. The quick story
I have been aware of sex for as long as I can remember. I was abused as a kid and once I discovered masturbation things just took off. I say that, but when I compare myself today to where I was before I think that little kid was doing alright.
When I started masturbating it was few and far in between so to speak. A lot was once or twice a week. usually it might have been once a month. Then over time it got worse by my late teens. By then, a lot was twice a day and the normal was once or twice a week.
Then it got worse, in mid twenties. Multiple times a day, almost every day. Now I can clearly see the deterioration of my control over time but during those years I could not have imagined that I would be in this situation.
Then things took a turn for the worse when I stumbled upon an escort site early last year. It became a habit after the first time. Every two to three months I have gone to visit one. That first time is the day I regret the most in my life, and yet, I have been weak and returned.
Now I have met someone. I think I love her. I want to make her happy, I want to share the things that I love with her. I want to help her be the best person that she can be and be with her. I have never had such a connection. We met only six months ago, but, like many relationships go I suppose, I feel like I have known her forever. I am not naive and thinking that everything will necessarily workout and we will be a pair for life, but God knows I want to try with this woman. That being said, my heart is not at peace with my past, and almost my present since I am not done dealing with porn. My mind is even less at peace when I feel like I should tell her about my past but I am afraid of loosing her, of whether she would spread the information. But regardless of that, I am of the impression that it would be better for her to know now before things drag on much longer, than to wait later and drop this potential deal breaker on her lap that would break her heart. I could not bear doing that to her. I'd rather she dismisses me now than hurt her later by telling her.

Questions

That is how I feel, what I am thinking. But has anyone been there? Has anyone seen hookers and shared their past with a partner? Do you think it helped? If so how? Or how did it make things worse if that is what happened? How did you deal with it and what did you learn from it?

I would be eternally grateful for any answers you might provide.

Thank you all.

Part 2. More details
I can remember being abused by at least two men in my father's house as a kid. I was at most 5 years old at the time. It happened multiple times over multiple days repeatedly.
Then we moved, and I recall staring to fondle myself but very rarely.
Then when I was around 10 years old, my mother and father separated and left my younger brother and I in my aunts care. I had never liked her much because she was very severe with corporal punishment.
My world was mostly in my head due to limited interaction with other kids by my aunt and I had a wild imagination (I am a creative type). Then one day I randomly fondled my self while showering and it was great. It started from there.
Before that, I have little recollections of fondling myself aside from my early years. Even at this point it was relatively scarcely that I would indulge. Maybe once every other month or so.


The abuse as a child left some scars that I did not realize were there. While masturbation was not always an issue, in retrospect I find that I experienced sexual arousal a lot earlier than other children around probably 5 to 6 years old.
During my teens, it was something that I did for fun and to escape my loneliness or take out stress at times. I was living without my mother and father and with an aunt who was severe with corporal punishment.
When I got access to porn things got a bit worse because I would masturbate more often, but it was relatively still in control around two to three times per week. Things started getting worse when college time came around. My high school years were also relatively lonely. I was stressed about college and nobody around me really could help me figure things out. I had moment of crisis trying to figure out my purpose in the world and doubting myself after barely making a 3.0 GPA in high school. That was a turning point where porn slowly started to become my outlet to deal with my emotions.
It only got worse through the rocky, uncertain, and lonely years of college that I had. Family matters were not the greatest either so I only closed up and got sucked more into it. I was not realizing it, but on top of being my outlet for frustration, it was morphing into an addiction. Even now I have a hard time writing it when it is the truth.
I barely made it out of college, unbeknownst to my family. That was another moral breaker and the behavior just continued.
I was twenty six last year and had never been in a relationship. My relation with women was almost non-existent. As a side note, while I enjoy sex a lot more than I wish I did, I am respectful towards women. I have never taken porn as something real that I would want a partner to do, I have never thought that a partner should grant me sex for any reason, and I at least have enough mind-sight to realize when it's my body speaking versus my heart and mind. In short I respect women's boundaries.
That being said, I stumbled across an escort website and got swept by temptation. We setup a meeting and off I went. What I would not give to take that day back.
I was never rude to the women. I would tip as much as I could and just try not to make things less comfortable for them.
I had had affectionate feelings towards a girl. But I dreaded her reaction when she would learn that I had been abused. Would she want to be with a guy like that? And she had moved to another continent. I was alone with only one close friend and frustrated at where I was in life. My emotions took the best of me and then I rationalized that the hookers were simply other people doing their job and that they should be legalized. That I was not in a relationship and so it was fine. That I was not looking to treat women as objects.
I was probably looking for a connection. There was always a desire to get to know them more, to speak and connect. But I knew that it was not possible.
I tried to stop. Multiple times. Same with porn. But I relapsed.
Then I met the woman I am currently dating. I had sometimes surmised that if I had a girlfriend then maybe that would help in the sense that at least it could give me someone to be accountable for and the intimacy between the two of us would be enough for me. This one mentioned early on that she did not want sex before marriage.
I was OK with it, and I still am. I appreciate her for who she is. We have talked about sex and masturbation, which she also does. I have told her that I do it often although I have not mentioned any more details. Now I am at a place where I think I really love this woman. Yet I want her to know who I have been before we move on. I am mortified, but determined to do right by her. I like to think that I am not doing so bad as a man. At least I managed to find a decently paying job. I am a kind and caring person outside of my sex habits. I am friendly and generally articulate and can hold intellectual conversations. It just reaps me apart that I once fell, then kept on falling and how it is affecting me and might affect my future.
 
I can’t relate to using escorts fella so you may want a different perspective.

however I’d say being abused and having an unhealthy relationship with sex go hand in hand so tbh escorts is probably the lesser of some evils I’ve seen on here -particularly as you didn’t hurt anyone. So for me, I’d say you don’t need to be ashamed if your past and frankly escorts isn’t really a big deal if you didn’t hurt anyone. I do appreciate however that your significant other may feel differently about it so the choice is really yours if you want to share it.

my personal take is that if you can make peace with yourself and your past with escorts and move on, I wouldn’t tell her. Why bother? Just adds unnecessary drama to an otherwise fulfilling relationship. If you feel you need to come clean then that’s ok too as i say the choice is yours.

if you’re struggling to make peace with yourself do yourself and her a massive favour and get some counselling and learn how to love and respect yourself.

I didn’t see whether you were going to tell her about your history of abuse, tbh I’d say that has more relevance and when you are ready you ought to share it, don’t forget you are a victim and you will always need the love, support and understanding from the people in your life.

ill leave you with my favourite john mayer lyrics because they reflect on everyone so strongly in here

“who says I can’t be free, from all the things that i used to be, rewrite my history, who says I can’t be free...”
 
From an so’s perspective.... I wish my husband had told me about his struggles with porn. A relationship cannot thrive and survive when we hide things from our spouse. Is your escort use well and truly in the past? Have you ever visited one while dating her? Have you gotten help for your sex addiction and what’s the longest you have been clean? She may or may not want to know these things. I didn’t care about my husbands past sexual relationships but had I found out after marriage I would’ve felt lied to and deceived. The porn addiction has been a far greater destruction than his past abuse and sexual relationships. I admire you immensely for having the courage to even consider telling her. That’s far more than most men!
 
Thank you @thelightfantastic and @Psalm27:1my light.

I met with her yesterday night and shared my story with her. I did not try to make excuses for my behavior. I acknowledged my failure to control myself as my own and told her about my efforts to change. She did not interrupt me at any time. I could not tell what she was thinking but I was afraid it was going to be a polite breakup from her end.
Then when I finished speaking, she came around the coffee table between us and sat on the table right in front of me. She shared her story with me. She had also been abused and still deals with it. While she did not condone my behavior, she felt like we all have struggles and pains and deal with them or express them in different manners and that can sometimes lead to bad behavior unfortunately.

She never made me feel judged. She never made me feel ashamed. She only showed love and compassion. It feels surreal. It is as if this is all a fraud and I don't deserve it and I will fail and it will all come down crashing. I only hope that I can change my behavior for the better and for the long term. I deserve it. She deserves it.

Best of luck to all of us, not only in changing our sex habits, but in all other aspects of our lives. It was a good weekend for me this time around!

Thank you all!
 
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Thank you @thelightfantastic and @Psalm27:1my light.

I met with her yesterday night and shared my story with her. I did not try to make excuses for my behavior. I acknowledged my failure to control myself as my own and told her about my efforts to change. She did not interrupt me at any time. I could not tell what she was thinking but I was afraid it was going to be a polite breakup from her end.
Then when I finished speaking, she came around the coffee table between us and on on the table right in front of me. She shared her story with me. She had also been abused and steal deals with it. While she did not condone my behavior, she felt like we all have struggles and pains and deal with them or express them in different manners and that can sometimes lead to bad behavior unfortunately.

She never made me feel judged. She never made me feel ashamed. She only showed love and compassion. It feels surreal. It is as if this is all a fraud and I don't deserve it and I will fail and it will all come down crashing. I only hope that I can change my behavior for the better and for the long term. I deserve it. She deserves it.

Best of luck to all of us, not only in changing our sex habits, but in all other aspects of our lives. It was a good weekend for me this time around!

Thank you all!
This. Is. Awesome! I’m so happy for you. This is a huge step in breaking free from this addiction. You have more courage than men twice your age. I hope and pray that you and your girlfriend conquer this and go forward to an amazing relationship.
 
Well done mate I’m super happy for you and of course your SO :) you are truly brave and I’m so glad your gamble paid off

the dalai lama writes in his book that everyone deserves happiness, so embrace your new found freedom of conscience and good luck to you on your journey.

You deserve this, you got this.
 
Thank you @thelightfantastic and @Psalm27:1my light.

I met with her yesterday night and shared my story with her. I did not try to make excuses for my behavior. I acknowledged my failure to control myself as my own and told her about my efforts to change. She did not interrupt me at any time. I could not tell what she was thinking but I was afraid it was going to be a polite breakup from her end.
Then when I finished speaking, she came around the coffee table between us and sat on the table right in front of me. She shared her story with me. She had also been abused and still deals with it. While she did not condone my behavior, she felt like we all have struggles and pains and deal with them or express them in different manners and that can sometimes lead to bad behavior unfortunately.

She never made me feel judged. She never made me feel ashamed. She only showed love and compassion. It feels surreal. It is as if this is all a fraud and I don't deserve it and I will fail and it will all come down crashing. I only hope that I can change my behavior for the better and for the long term. I deserve it. She deserves it.

Best of luck to all of us, not only in changing our sex habits, but in all other aspects of our lives. It was a good weekend for me this time around!

Thank you all!
Hi man, this is amazing, I really hope that your relationship will last a loong time, you deserve this! You were a 100% right to tell her about everything, when I met my girlfriend I told her about my addiction (I was already 4 months clean so it helped I admit) and I was so afraid that she might find it disgusting but she proved to be really comprehensive and comforting. Opening yourself to your partner really helps strengthening the trust!
You can be proud of yourself, I can't even imagine what it's like to be dealing with both P addiction and such a childhood trauma. I wish you the best!
 
I am so proud of you ! Opening the door to your vulnerability, gave her the opportunity to do the exact same. And now because of your bravery. Both of you can go on without the feeling that you're being secretive , or not genuine.
 
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