formeandthem
New Fapstronaut
Hey all, I am Kevin.
Please bear with me as I introduce my parkour but jump to the last paragraph of part 1 if you want to see my questions.
Part 1. The quick story
I have been aware of sex for as long as I can remember. I was abused as a kid and once I discovered masturbation things just took off. I say that, but when I compare myself today to where I was before I think that little kid was doing alright.
When I started masturbating it was few and far in between so to speak. A lot was once or twice a week. usually it might have been once a month. Then over time it got worse by my late teens. By then, a lot was twice a day and the normal was once or twice a week.
Then it got worse, in mid twenties. Multiple times a day, almost every day. Now I can clearly see the deterioration of my control over time but during those years I could not have imagined that I would be in this situation.
Then things took a turn for the worse when I stumbled upon an escort site early last year. It became a habit after the first time. Every two to three months I have gone to visit one. That first time is the day I regret the most in my life, and yet, I have been weak and returned.
Now I have met someone. I think I love her. I want to make her happy, I want to share the things that I love with her. I want to help her be the best person that she can be and be with her. I have never had such a connection. We met only six months ago, but, like many relationships go I suppose, I feel like I have known her forever. I am not naive and thinking that everything will necessarily workout and we will be a pair for life, but God knows I want to try with this woman. That being said, my heart is not at peace with my past, and almost my present since I am not done dealing with porn. My mind is even less at peace when I feel like I should tell her about my past but I am afraid of loosing her, of whether she would spread the information. But regardless of that, I am of the impression that it would be better for her to know now before things drag on much longer, than to wait later and drop this potential deal breaker on her lap that would break her heart. I could not bear doing that to her. I'd rather she dismisses me now than hurt her later by telling her.
Questions
That is how I feel, what I am thinking. But has anyone been there? Has anyone seen hookers and shared their past with a partner? Do you think it helped? If so how? Or how did it make things worse if that is what happened? How did you deal with it and what did you learn from it?
I would be eternally grateful for any answers you might provide.
Thank you all.
Part 2. More details
I can remember being abused by at least two men in my father's house as a kid. I was at most 5 years old at the time. It happened multiple times over multiple days repeatedly.
Then we moved, and I recall staring to fondle myself but very rarely.
Then when I was around 10 years old, my mother and father separated and left my younger brother and I in my aunts care. I had never liked her much because she was very severe with corporal punishment.
My world was mostly in my head due to limited interaction with other kids by my aunt and I had a wild imagination (I am a creative type). Then one day I randomly fondled my self while showering and it was great. It started from there.
Before that, I have little recollections of fondling myself aside from my early years. Even at this point it was relatively scarcely that I would indulge. Maybe once every other month or so.
The abuse as a child left some scars that I did not realize were there. While masturbation was not always an issue, in retrospect I find that I experienced sexual arousal a lot earlier than other children around probably 5 to 6 years old.
During my teens, it was something that I did for fun and to escape my loneliness or take out stress at times. I was living without my mother and father and with an aunt who was severe with corporal punishment.
When I got access to porn things got a bit worse because I would masturbate more often, but it was relatively still in control around two to three times per week. Things started getting worse when college time came around. My high school years were also relatively lonely. I was stressed about college and nobody around me really could help me figure things out. I had moment of crisis trying to figure out my purpose in the world and doubting myself after barely making a 3.0 GPA in high school. That was a turning point where porn slowly started to become my outlet to deal with my emotions.
It only got worse through the rocky, uncertain, and lonely years of college that I had. Family matters were not the greatest either so I only closed up and got sucked more into it. I was not realizing it, but on top of being my outlet for frustration, it was morphing into an addiction. Even now I have a hard time writing it when it is the truth.
I barely made it out of college, unbeknownst to my family. That was another moral breaker and the behavior just continued.
I was twenty six last year and had never been in a relationship. My relation with women was almost non-existent. As a side note, while I enjoy sex a lot more than I wish I did, I am respectful towards women. I have never taken porn as something real that I would want a partner to do, I have never thought that a partner should grant me sex for any reason, and I at least have enough mind-sight to realize when it's my body speaking versus my heart and mind. In short I respect women's boundaries.
That being said, I stumbled across an escort website and got swept by temptation. We setup a meeting and off I went. What I would not give to take that day back.
I was never rude to the women. I would tip as much as I could and just try not to make things less comfortable for them.
I had had affectionate feelings towards a girl. But I dreaded her reaction when she would learn that I had been abused. Would she want to be with a guy like that? And she had moved to another continent. I was alone with only one close friend and frustrated at where I was in life. My emotions took the best of me and then I rationalized that the hookers were simply other people doing their job and that they should be legalized. That I was not in a relationship and so it was fine. That I was not looking to treat women as objects.
I was probably looking for a connection. There was always a desire to get to know them more, to speak and connect. But I knew that it was not possible.
I tried to stop. Multiple times. Same with porn. But I relapsed.
Then I met the woman I am currently dating. I had sometimes surmised that if I had a girlfriend then maybe that would help in the sense that at least it could give me someone to be accountable for and the intimacy between the two of us would be enough for me. This one mentioned early on that she did not want sex before marriage.
I was OK with it, and I still am. I appreciate her for who she is. We have talked about sex and masturbation, which she also does. I have told her that I do it often although I have not mentioned any more details. Now I am at a place where I think I really love this woman. Yet I want her to know who I have been before we move on. I am mortified, but determined to do right by her. I like to think that I am not doing so bad as a man. At least I managed to find a decently paying job. I am a kind and caring person outside of my sex habits. I am friendly and generally articulate and can hold intellectual conversations. It just reaps me apart that I once fell, then kept on falling and how it is affecting me and might affect my future.
Please bear with me as I introduce my parkour but jump to the last paragraph of part 1 if you want to see my questions.
Part 1. The quick story
I have been aware of sex for as long as I can remember. I was abused as a kid and once I discovered masturbation things just took off. I say that, but when I compare myself today to where I was before I think that little kid was doing alright.
When I started masturbating it was few and far in between so to speak. A lot was once or twice a week. usually it might have been once a month. Then over time it got worse by my late teens. By then, a lot was twice a day and the normal was once or twice a week.
Then it got worse, in mid twenties. Multiple times a day, almost every day. Now I can clearly see the deterioration of my control over time but during those years I could not have imagined that I would be in this situation.
Then things took a turn for the worse when I stumbled upon an escort site early last year. It became a habit after the first time. Every two to three months I have gone to visit one. That first time is the day I regret the most in my life, and yet, I have been weak and returned.
Now I have met someone. I think I love her. I want to make her happy, I want to share the things that I love with her. I want to help her be the best person that she can be and be with her. I have never had such a connection. We met only six months ago, but, like many relationships go I suppose, I feel like I have known her forever. I am not naive and thinking that everything will necessarily workout and we will be a pair for life, but God knows I want to try with this woman. That being said, my heart is not at peace with my past, and almost my present since I am not done dealing with porn. My mind is even less at peace when I feel like I should tell her about my past but I am afraid of loosing her, of whether she would spread the information. But regardless of that, I am of the impression that it would be better for her to know now before things drag on much longer, than to wait later and drop this potential deal breaker on her lap that would break her heart. I could not bear doing that to her. I'd rather she dismisses me now than hurt her later by telling her.
Questions
That is how I feel, what I am thinking. But has anyone been there? Has anyone seen hookers and shared their past with a partner? Do you think it helped? If so how? Or how did it make things worse if that is what happened? How did you deal with it and what did you learn from it?
I would be eternally grateful for any answers you might provide.
Thank you all.
Part 2. More details
I can remember being abused by at least two men in my father's house as a kid. I was at most 5 years old at the time. It happened multiple times over multiple days repeatedly.
Then we moved, and I recall staring to fondle myself but very rarely.
Then when I was around 10 years old, my mother and father separated and left my younger brother and I in my aunts care. I had never liked her much because she was very severe with corporal punishment.
My world was mostly in my head due to limited interaction with other kids by my aunt and I had a wild imagination (I am a creative type). Then one day I randomly fondled my self while showering and it was great. It started from there.
Before that, I have little recollections of fondling myself aside from my early years. Even at this point it was relatively scarcely that I would indulge. Maybe once every other month or so.
The abuse as a child left some scars that I did not realize were there. While masturbation was not always an issue, in retrospect I find that I experienced sexual arousal a lot earlier than other children around probably 5 to 6 years old.
During my teens, it was something that I did for fun and to escape my loneliness or take out stress at times. I was living without my mother and father and with an aunt who was severe with corporal punishment.
When I got access to porn things got a bit worse because I would masturbate more often, but it was relatively still in control around two to three times per week. Things started getting worse when college time came around. My high school years were also relatively lonely. I was stressed about college and nobody around me really could help me figure things out. I had moment of crisis trying to figure out my purpose in the world and doubting myself after barely making a 3.0 GPA in high school. That was a turning point where porn slowly started to become my outlet to deal with my emotions.
It only got worse through the rocky, uncertain, and lonely years of college that I had. Family matters were not the greatest either so I only closed up and got sucked more into it. I was not realizing it, but on top of being my outlet for frustration, it was morphing into an addiction. Even now I have a hard time writing it when it is the truth.
I barely made it out of college, unbeknownst to my family. That was another moral breaker and the behavior just continued.
I was twenty six last year and had never been in a relationship. My relation with women was almost non-existent. As a side note, while I enjoy sex a lot more than I wish I did, I am respectful towards women. I have never taken porn as something real that I would want a partner to do, I have never thought that a partner should grant me sex for any reason, and I at least have enough mind-sight to realize when it's my body speaking versus my heart and mind. In short I respect women's boundaries.
That being said, I stumbled across an escort website and got swept by temptation. We setup a meeting and off I went. What I would not give to take that day back.
I was never rude to the women. I would tip as much as I could and just try not to make things less comfortable for them.
I had had affectionate feelings towards a girl. But I dreaded her reaction when she would learn that I had been abused. Would she want to be with a guy like that? And she had moved to another continent. I was alone with only one close friend and frustrated at where I was in life. My emotions took the best of me and then I rationalized that the hookers were simply other people doing their job and that they should be legalized. That I was not in a relationship and so it was fine. That I was not looking to treat women as objects.
I was probably looking for a connection. There was always a desire to get to know them more, to speak and connect. But I knew that it was not possible.
I tried to stop. Multiple times. Same with porn. But I relapsed.
Then I met the woman I am currently dating. I had sometimes surmised that if I had a girlfriend then maybe that would help in the sense that at least it could give me someone to be accountable for and the intimacy between the two of us would be enough for me. This one mentioned early on that she did not want sex before marriage.
I was OK with it, and I still am. I appreciate her for who she is. We have talked about sex and masturbation, which she also does. I have told her that I do it often although I have not mentioned any more details. Now I am at a place where I think I really love this woman. Yet I want her to know who I have been before we move on. I am mortified, but determined to do right by her. I like to think that I am not doing so bad as a man. At least I managed to find a decently paying job. I am a kind and caring person outside of my sex habits. I am friendly and generally articulate and can hold intellectual conversations. It just reaps me apart that I once fell, then kept on falling and how it is affecting me and might affect my future.
you are truly brave and I’m so glad your gamble paid off
