Falling in love

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Deleted Account, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. I have always been the type to fall in love fast. Im a romantic. I love the butterflies and the rush of a new love interest. I dated a girl all through high school, we dated for four years. That’s when I met my wife. She also was dating a guy of about 5 years at the time. But her and I met, fell in love, left our significant others, and were married 18 months later.

    Fast forward 3 kids and 7 years later. Life is good. But the spark is gone. She’s my best friend. Kids are consuming our life. Dates aren’t fun because after dinner and a sitter, we’ve blown $120.

    Then someone new appears. I’m not stupid, she probably doesn’t even think of me that way. But if she were and option for me prior to marriage. I would have pursued it. Smart, funny, beautiful, and she gets every one of my quirks. I can’t stop thinking about her. Why? I see a trend here. Why am I like this?

    I’m seriously not wanting anything out of it. I want to know why I’m like this. I want to feel what I feel for her, but for my wife. How do you keep it fresh with your spouse after 7 years. I don’t want to have the thoughts I’m having.
     
  2. People confuse love with feelings like lust, attraction and infatuation all day. Those feelings are not the same thing as love and usually don't last long enough to get people through a lifetime of marriage. Love is what is left over after the feelings fade. Love is an unselfish choice to continue to do what you can to connect with, understand, care for and respect someone when you are no longer infatuated by that person.

    I don't know you but it sounds like what you felt for you wife and now feel for that new girl is infatuation/Attraction/ lust.
     
  3. Beautiful. Well said. I needed to read that.
     
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  4. Love doesn't fade away! If it does, it ain't love.
     
  5. Everyonelies

    Everyonelies Fapstronaut

    I'm not sure I can add to @The Unfadeablepost

    Fwiw, 17 years in, five kids and one marriage crisis later I would encourage you to further develop that bond you have with her.

    Kids just keep taking over. You two start changing separately and if you're not careful, apart. Suddenly when the kids are not the common link between you two, you both can end up going uh now what... And from there stupid decisions might be made and so on. Speaking from what happened to us but I don't think it's uncommon occurrence.

    Love is a decision but marriage is hard work. The infatuation is enticing because there is no baggage attached, no drama, no kids, no unresolved differences, it feels refreshing and exciting to have somebody get excited over you, including the parts your spouse may not get, which makes it hard.

    Deep down justified or not I have a burning desire to be "gotten" by my wife, pursued, desired as earnestly as how much I want to get her and pursue her.

    I'm not sure it'll happen. But it isn't about me, it's not about loving her hoping I get what I want back. It's about being selfless, loving her regardless. I have found that difficult to swallow but it's what being a husband means.

    I've focused on the disappointments and attempted to make up for the difference with porn, frequently seeking out its fake depiction of love or romance. I sought out an emotional connection with a woman over Whisper and I indulged. I felt entitled.

    Im not though. Don't lie to yourself like I did and while she is your best friend, don't fuck it up, because one day you may be wishing for that.

    You need to shut down the thinking about what if I was, in a relationship with that hottie who gets me. Sadly it will ultimately fester and lead you to feeling miserable or making a mistake.

    Do little things to make her feel special, write her notes, be thoughtful and kind, considerate, the littlest things can occasionally make quite a difference.
     
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  6. Everyonelies

    Everyonelies Fapstronaut

    Actually I disagree... Love fades because we stop deciding to invest in the other person... But that's what love does when it's not tended to. It wilts like a plant. But that doesn't mean it wasn't love.
     
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  7. Well my statement loves doesn't fade away is still relevant. Because, love is about both giving and taking, when I said love, I implied both things. If you are not interested in giving and are all about taking, then that obviously isn't love and hence whatever you choose to call such a situation, it will eventually fade away.
     
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  8. Everyonelies

    Everyonelies Fapstronaut

    Gotchya!
     
  9. I think I need to work on selflessness. I think I have been selfish for a long time.

    I also feel like the first thing I expect when I say “I need to be more selfless”, is that my wife will notice and be more selfless in return. I can’t think like that. That was the first thought I had when I thought about that. By definition, I’m being selfish if my attempt to be selfless is self seeking. Haha - wow, I don’t know if that makes any sense! But it did in my head!

    The truth of the matter is there will always be someone to be infatuated by. If not this girl it will happen again next year, and again after that. Is it bad that I feel I need a lesson in contentment? I feel like it’s horrible to say I should just be content in my marriage. I need to just appreciate what I have and quit looking elsewhere.
     
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  10. There are several kinds of love:

    Eros: sexual passion
    Ludus: playful love
    Philia: friendship
    Pragma: enduring love
    Agape: God's love
    Philautia: self-love

    Eros doesn't last forever.
     
  11. Everyonelies

    Everyonelies Fapstronaut

    Might be because you want or desire that from her

    Nah I follow

    Sometimes I'm afraid that on here I sound too negative about wives and marriages. Its more like Im trying to be realistic.

    In a perfect marriage with both of you acting like you should and putting each other first... You frankly wouldn't be entertained by noticing other women at all. If I may, I think somewhere a part of you is missing something something with your wife... Perhaps you don't realize it but, justifiable or not I think you feel neglected from her. That's why the chatting has been a particular issue and perhaps the porn and it's why you are pondering that there will always be someone else to be infatuated with.

    Now I'm not blaming your wife for your actions. Nor am I blaming mine for my actions. There is cause and effect though.

    In a marriage there should be complete honesty and each person tend to the other properly. We should be able to hear what the other has to say say without getting offended or annoyed or angry. None of that's productive. Instead we should take action and effort because we love the other person.

    This is why I express caution about telling their spouse about their porn when I see it come up here. Not that I think we should lie and be dishonest and continue in our actions thus damaging marriages. I don't think all marriages are very healthy to begin with. It all is interconnected.

    Sheesh I ramble...

    IMO, you need to be selfless because that's how it's supposed to be. Perhaps your wife will respond in time but that isn't the objective. You could always try counseling. Still really It's about being the right kinda person. You can't change her if you wanted to. You can change how you look at things and accept.

    I dunno... You know your marriage obviously I don't...but... Addictions will keep feeding off of dysfunction and surpressed angst.
     
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  12. Nah, reality is reality and ignoring it will only get you in trouble. I've never been married with no kid and I'm not sure if I wan't to be. I feel like in a perfect world marriage and a family is the best way for a man to mature and grow in spirituality but as a man, I'm super leery of marriage because of the legal and financial bias towards males in family courts, alimony calculations and child custody. As a guy, youre taking a serious risk with low odds of success based on the numbers.

    Selflessness and maturity are key and If 2 people are willing to willing to be selfless they can make a marriage work but we live in a world were selflessness and Maturity arent encouraged or valued. I've met and dated women who are great people and I have alot of male friends who are great people as well but their habits, attitudes and lifestyle makes them unsuitable for marriage.
     
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  13. Ozmadius

    Ozmadius New Fapstronaut

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    Everything can change, because the years change our outlook.
     
  14. I think you’re right. I come second to the kids, her business, and her other activities. I admire her ambition and drive too, but I like to be laughed at. I like attention, smiles, touches. I’m not getting any of that. I’m not perfect either so I’m not here to make myself sound abused. I just know I miss being in love, and being infatuated with her. I hate the monotony.
     
  15. Everyonelies

    Everyonelies Fapstronaut

    I relate. I wish I had the answer, but I believe that once we begin improving ourselves and repairing our self inflicted damage, the wifes may notice and want to be around us more and hopefully in time that intimacy will start returning.
     

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