Fantasies about my crush, trigger or not?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by LilD, Jan 7, 2018.

Do you consider fantasizing about your crush a trigger? (Not in relationships, haven't confessed)

  1. Yes

    18 vote(s)
    64.3%
  2. No

    10 vote(s)
    35.7%
  1. Doc88

    Doc88 Fapstronaut

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    My opinion on this is that sexual fantasies and admiring women is 100% natural, but that we are starting from a very unnatural state. Going "hard mode" and cutting out literally all sexual stimuli as you are may well speed up your return to that natural baseline, but it's probably impossible to avoid it entirely - you will see it in movies, adverts, your mind will wander when in the gym or walking down the street and seeing pretty girls.

    I wouldn't beat yourself up when you make minor slips, but I would do one specific thing: cut out the online stuff.

    Being able to voyeur a female with tens/hundreds of high definition online pics, on your own without her actually being there or interacting with you, is not what the human brain evolved to deal with. Yes it's not as intensely stimulating as porn, but it's still a form of substitution for the real thing.

    The biggest test of your recovery should be to see how your behaviour is normalised by your dopamine reward pathway normalising with regard to sex and attraction, and satiating your desire for her with photos is not going to help with that. Daydreaming about her, that's natural, but spending a significant amount of time vividly imagining explicit scenarios is not - particularly if they are basically porn scenes with her as one of the actresses.

    So try to draw the line where the line was drawn before arousal addiction was ever a problem, back before the internet.

    "It's not even sexual fantasies anymore, I just imagine talking to her, being on a date, or even having a vacation together on some f-ing islands."

    ^ This has been normal since the dawn of man, please don't stop yourself doing that, it's one of the best parts of having a crush. It's not those thoughts that will stop you from pursuing her, it's the extreme sexual overload you'd get from watching porn or masturbating to her photos or vivid sexual fantasies that would.

    Similarly, waiting for friend requests on social media can work but if you want to really tap into both yours and her natural instincts then cut out the internet and just go and talk to her. I guarantee the impact it will have on her will be 100x more than an fb add.
     
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  2. Joggyd

    Joggyd Fapstronaut

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    Don't send her any more friend request on social media… I would recommend just saying hi the next time you see her and see if you can strike up a conversation
     
    Hitto likes this.
  3. Sardonic

    Sardonic Fapstronaut

    It was a my current crush that inadvertently inspired me to start NoFap. To cut a very long story slightly shorter; I had known her for 3 months, had a crush since day 1 (of starting work) and eventually I had an upsetting moment that led to me telling her I liked her, 2 weeks later I asked her out, she said no... and I was fine... at first. Then I began PMOing more than usual until 1 day I snapped out of it. Now I feel a little better about the whole thing, If not for this crush I never would have improved my mindset, she'll probably never find any of this out, but it happened.

    On topic though; the fantasies are not a trigger IMO. Before NoFap I used to try to fantasize about my crush but couldn't due to having porn on the brain, now I do and it isn't sexual, it's us talking, flirting etc. I think I've said in another thread somewhere else but I catch myself drifting off and fantasizing about this crush (mainly) but eventually when I snap out of it I feel somewhat motivated to move on with life.
     
  4. MyOwnControl2018

    MyOwnControl2018 Fapstronaut

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    Ya, you definitely need to stop with the online messages. Talk to her.

    In fact, I recommend you find another girl that's pretty and go say hi to HER.
     
  5. MarkTT52947

    MarkTT52947 Fapstronaut

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    there are sexual thoughts and pornographic thoughts. No sane person can eliminate sexual thoughts. Objectifying women as sex objects based on porn generated criteria is different from sexual thoughts that come from healthy human interaction

    Porn is not about sex, but about the subjection of the sex object involved to a variety of signs of dehumanization and criteria that have nothing to do with sex about their desirablity things like clothing size of body parts, use of certain language etc etc etc
     
  6. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Thanks for advices.

    I want to talk to her IRL, but I have to wait for a few days for that to happen, so I've decided to use social networks in the meantime. Since we already know each other, friend requests on social media are nothing more than that - just a confirmation of friendship.

    I plan to ask her out when I see her. In the worst case, if she says no, I will at least know that my speculations about her liking me are wrong.
     
  7. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    Learn to live with it.
    There's nothing wrong in having some 'sexual' thoughts about someone you like.
    Just be yourself, get to know her a little bit better, see what kind of things she likes/dislikes and act according to it (it will come natural)
     
    Faygal likes this.
  8. Devil's Details

    Devil's Details Fapstronaut

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    I think you and I have a vastly different interpretation of what constitutes a sexual thought.
     
  9. Faygal

    Faygal Fapstronaut

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    -- Juliette Elephantine
     
  10. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Well, it was the end of the story today.

    Unexpectedly, I met her today. I waited for a moment when we were alone and asked her out. She rejected me in a very polite way.

    I'm not sure if I accepted it completely yet. I feel ashamed for overthinking this so much, a bit disappointed, and relieved. Much better than I expected, because I don't feel like sh*t. At least I tried, and this is all that counts since it's the only thing under my control.

    Thank you for your support, guys.
     
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  11. Faygal

    Faygal Fapstronaut

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    yuv shown determination laddy, someday they'll soon be linin up fer yr spunk and not the other white stuff.
     
    LilD likes this.
  12. MarkTT52947

    MarkTT52947 Fapstronaut

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    Pornography and nude bodies are not the same. Pornography means pictures of whores, pictures of women or men placed in situations where sexual submission and enjoyment is forced and not part of a human relationship but the product of submission. Objectifying women as sexual objects has little to do with nudity or humanity. I married a woman who is a nudist. We used to live adjacent to the only legal nude beach in the USA and now we regularly go to a nudist camp we belong to. The funny thing about when everyone is naked and it is a normal thing, is that even at the worst of my fapping, the same woman I would be fantasizing about if I saw here clothed naked is just another person. The one triggering memory i have from our years of going to that nude beach is not of a woman naked when I saw plenty of "attrative" women naked, but of a woman who was wearing a pair of black panties. Sexualizing is the wrong word. Objectification is a more precise word. You transform a woman or a man or a child into an object for your pornographic and essentially masturbatory fantasies and not a person. The focus is how many triggers the faper decides that person embodies and the degree that she or he decides the person is sexually attractive, not based on anything about how they are as a person, but the type of clothing she or he wears, makeup, for me shoes were decisive.
     
  13. MarkTT52947

    MarkTT52947 Fapstronaut

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    I have spent some time in the louvre and in India and Nepal. One would hardly consider the depiction or place of the nudes in many Hindu sculpture or the place of women in them uplifting expressions of unprejudiced or unsexist sexuality or Hinduism a religion that values women even on a level the most backward of other religions do. Last time I was in India the big issue was the public and official toleration by the Hindu nationalist government of rapes of women going out alone to school or work.

    If one looks at the Louvre especially the Reubens on the staircase that are so famous formally they would count as pornography because they were famously "pictures of whores" paintings of sexworkers who had the proportions that the contemporary aspects of male sexist and pornographic outlooks felt were triggering compared to the normal women looked. Indeed, in the early modern times prostitutes were general hired as artists models.

    Objectifying women has nothing to do with "natural female beauty." It has to do with women being judged by criteria established by men as making them sexually attractive and hot, usually not the women themselves alone, but dress hair makeup even shoes. None of this is natural and the proof is if you are really into history as your phony quote pretends, you would know these things change between different cultures and different periods of history. They are products of commercial cultures deciding what is hot and what is not.

    Now I am in favor of sex and attraction and as someone who spends money and time to be in nudist camps or to live near a nude beach, it is not conservatism speaking here.

    But there is a difference between embracing the human body and the naturalness of sexuality and checking out women for their breast size or butt size or makeup or shoes or how much skin they show.
     
  14. Devil's Details

    Devil's Details Fapstronaut

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    That's some pretty weak proof.

    We are looking for indicators of health. Smooth hair, clear skin, wide hips, narrow waist. The waist to hip ratio can fluctuate between .6 and .8 or so depending on the person, but it's not only natural, but universal. Even Ruben's paintings, cellulite and all, featured hourglass proportions for the ladies. It is the attempt to manipulate those indicators of health that lead to products like makeup, shoes, strategically cut clothes, etc.

    Part of the excitement of tits and ass is that you're not supposed to see them bare without a woman's (presumably sexual) approval. But since all the skin is publicly available where you are, sounds like you just swapped out with the forbidden fruits of that culture. Which is fine, whatever floats yer boat, bud.

    And if you want to heap scorn the rest of us for being turned on by healthy naked women, tell it's all sexist and dehumanizing... hey, you're welcome to that, too.
    Just don't expect the rest of us to take you seriously.
    You ain't the professor and this ain't gender studies.
     
  15. Devil's Details

    Devil's Details Fapstronaut

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    Hey, congrats man.... seriously.

    Asking chicks out is deceptively hard. Our biology instinctively treats rejection not just as a "no", but as a "you're not worthy of reproducing with me". Which hey, let's be honest, the emotions that feel worse than that is a short list.
    That's the bad news.

    The good news is that you can build a resistance to it. Remember that 90%+ of guys get rejected FAR more than they get accepted, and there's millions of girls out there. The key here is not to fixate on any one girl until you actually get some kind of receptiveness from her.

    Try this... try to make eye contact and say hello to every person you meet on the street. (unless they're gangbangers or homeless or something.) What will happen is that 75% of the ppl you pass (and about 99% of the hot girls) will ghost you. (pretend you're not there)

    You will get a rejection pang from that. Bring it inside you... examine it. Get used to it, and accept that it usually has nothing to do with you. They have places to be, people to see, and thoughts running through their head that makes you nothing more than background noise.

    There's no reason to feel bad about it. I like to say: "... or not." and move on to the next one. Once you get used to the fact that only a small % of the population wants anything to do with anyone new at any given time, rejection gets a lot easier to handle.
     
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  16. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Devil's Details,

    I wasn't afraid of rejection when I came up to her because it's the easiest option. I was afraid of acceptance because then I would have to deal with the whole situation and there would be lots chances to make much bigger mistakes.

    Maybe because I'm used to rejection in general, I'm not afraid of being rejected by women I like.
     
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  17. Devil's Details

    Devil's Details Fapstronaut

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