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Fantasizing about real people?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by JustADude, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    This is a topic that probably better fits in a different forum community. By posting it here, it seems to naturally filter out a lot of the more immature answers. Also, I greatly prefer the opinions of people who are in or have been in serious relationships.

    I don't know if this is abnormal. I am almost 40, a man, and I very rarely fantasize about real people. Maybe twice a year it happens. 32 days into no porn and fantasies are popping into my head more frequently. For example, the first 15 days of no porn, zero fantasies; a few fantasies during the next 10 days; and even more the last 7 days.

    I'll be walking around town and boom, something will trigger me to think about a person I am looking at in a sexual way. Like, I'll imagine what they look like with their shirt off. The fantasy comes on so quick, it is not something that I mentally encourage, it just happens. I know a lot of you will be like... "Yep, that is the porn talking". But... why was this not happening during the other post pubescent 30 years of my life?

    I always felt I was a bit abnormal because it seemed like other dudes seemed to have those kind of fantasies all of the time. I mean... guy friends frequently would say stuff like, "I bet she would be great in bed" or "Look at those legs" or... you get the point. But, for 35+ years I have rarely fantasized about real life people. And the fact that it is happening in moment, while I am looking at them, is a bit unnerving.

    Is fantasizing about real people normal behavior? Now that I am weaning myself off of porn am I going to have to deal with these kind of thoughts popping into my head at random times? Did porn take the place of healthy fantasies? Or, am I oversexualized from porn and these are just temporary echos of my past life?

    The whole thing is odd to me and I really don't know what to think about it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  2. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    I'm replying without reading other responses, so sorry if I repeat some stuff, but...

    Your brain is looking for the stimulus it got from porn elsewhere now. Those dopamine hits, and the methods by which you achieved them, are expected and missed by your brain. Because you engaged in that kind of thinking in front of pornographic imagery, and now you don't engage with that material (well done!) your brain is responding in a similar way to the nearest thing that it comes across. Seeing an attractive 'real person' in the street is the same as seeing the sort of imagery you sought out in porn: there is an attractiveness and level of excitement. Where, in P, there is often a blatant sexual context, in public there is only your inner tendency to assess people as potential mates, and your response to that.

    It is normal that you will notice yourself noticing more people out and about. Porn has trained you to have rather graphic and extreme sexual fantasies, beyond just noticing someone's attractiveness. So now your fantasies will likely involve the kind of images you saw in P. This aspect of what you are experiencing now is likely to lessen over time, especially if your 'weaning' is successful and complete.

    Try not to indulge in these fantasies, dwelling on them and treating them as a substitute for porn, but also try not to beat yourself up about these thoughts either. The parts of our brain that assess potential mates are old, evolutionarily speaking, and they don't care about your moral code or your relationship status. Choosing not to follow up on these moments by MOing, relapsing etc is the important thing.

    I hope this helps.
     
  3. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I’ve struggled with this in the past too and the three second rule can be helpful!

    If you notice yourself ogling someone you have to recognise what you’re doing and give yourself three seconds to
    1) recognise that they are a REAL person with real sadness, relationships, stress etc.
    2) wish them well
    3) avert your eyes and get back to what you were doing.

    Ogling is possibly even worse than viewing porn because these real people don’t want to be part of your fantasies. Porn stars know what happens when people watch their movies, but real people don’t know what you’re thinking (and that’s probably a good thing). You don’t have the right to use them for your own satisfaction and it’s important to recognise that. They mean nothing to you and you mean nothing to them.

    I get that it’s common for men to look at attractive women and comment in that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Women aren’t there for our objectification and if you value equal rights (which I hope everyone does), we need to stop treating them like objects. My wife is beautiful and gets a lot of unwanted male attention, despite the fact she is wearing a wedding ring. Most of the time it makes her uncomfortable, but some of the time she find it downright scary.
     
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