Fantasizing and flirting in marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by megaman85, Nov 27, 2019.

  1. I desperately need some advice here, especially from those who are married. I’ve been porn free for two and a half years now. After working hard to kick this habit, I’m now having new issues surface regarding women other than my wife. I’m much less socially isolated and awkward, and although still an introvert, I’ve been attempting to get our more. I replaced my porn habit with working out, and am in better shape than I’ve ever been. Lately, I’ve been hanging out with my wife’s circle of friends. They’re all very extroverted except one shy/quiet chick that’s in a long-term relationship with my wife’s guy friend. I’ve casually talked with her from time to time, usually while her boyfriend and my wife talk to other people. In any social setting, it’s unmistakable that we two are the introverts in the group, and for some reason we often end up near each other. There have been a couple occasions where she’s made eye contact, and brushed against me seemingly by accident. I haven’t thought much of it; maybe she finds me attractive, or maybe it’s all just coincidence.

    Well last night, my wife and I hosted a party at our place. The eye contact happened again, but this time it was much, much more intense. As I was people watching throughout the night, I would glance in her direction and she would already be looking at me. She was literally locking eyes and holding her gaze for a good 2-3 seconds at a time, sometimes with a slight smile like there was some sort of inside joke between us. I’m so confused because her boyfriend was right there, and here she was going way beyond “the glance.” I would even say we were flirting.

    My self-control is eroding and I really don’t know what to do. In one night, she’s turned into a sexual fantasy for me. I have no intentions of cheating, but it’s scary because masturbating to sexual fantasies was my precursor to porn. My sex drive is high and I can’t stop fantasying about her. It’s like as I’m cutting off one fantasy, a new one is already forming. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? Is there any place for fantasy in marriage?

    Also, I would appreciate any speculation on her intentions; is she really trying to engage in a fling, or is it just a form of harmless flirting? I probably won’t see her any time soon, and I’ve made sure to take precautions, like never hanging out with her alone. I don’t have her contact info, and disabled all my social media a long time ago. She has no way of contacting me which is how I want to keep it.
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  2. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    There is one thing to keep in mind here (aside from the fact that both of you are in a relationship): if you are remotely ok looking, or have anything remotely interesting about you, there will be people out there who will want to sleep with you. If it's not her, it's someone else. It's not like you got a rare lottery ticket. There is ALWAYS opportunity.

    Cheaters often measure their self worth by the attention from others. "He locked eyes with me, so it might mean that he wants to have sex with me and that I'm attractive and special". Does it really matter? More than anything, THEY need you to caress their egos. This woman probably wants to validate herself by temporarily steal you away from your wife, even if it's just flirting. She most likely wants her husband to feel cuckolded. It's very common that women only want married men, because that's a bigger boost to their self esteem.

    You are obviously not prepared to destroy your entire life and your wife's entire life so this random woman can feel pretty and good about herself for 5 minutes, and that's a good thing, but you fantasizing about her has no real purpose either.

    We have all been in situations where we are curious about where things could have led. Well, with cheating and flirting, the story is ALWAYS the same. There are never any exceptions, it's always leads to the same horrendous mess. If you view this in a 100% realistic, pragmatic way, you can actually see around the corner completely and that picture alone would probably cool you off.
  3. Well, my wife is a lot more open about this kind of stuff, although she does get jealous of me talking to other women, she read some of the messages I'd been sending to men and women on another adult site and confessed it really turned her on, and that she'd also had fantasies of threesomes like me.

    Of course, we've never acted on those fantasies in real life, but we have messaged other people, chatted to couples, etc during sex.
    It depends on how open your wife is!
    megaman85 likes this.
  4. Well, let's be real....for the sex/porn addict, this is an absolute easy question to answer. You need to make absolutely sure that you're NEVER alone with this woman, and to the MAXIMUM extent possible, you should avoid her even when other people are around. I would say that your wife needs to know EVERYTHING you posted on here and that you're kind of wondering if she's interested in something and literally anything she says about your interactions with her should be totally unbreakable rules as well.
  5. I really appreciate the thoughtful reply. This helped tremendously yesterday, especially the reminder to keep it pragmatic. Things change quite a bit when you picture the realistic consequences rather than the idealistic. I didn't even consider the ego aspect, so it may very well be I'm giving her an ego boost with the eye contact. Maybe I'm feeding my own ego as well? It's given me a lot to think about.Thanks!
  6. In the past I would have been up for something like this, but since giving up porn most of those thoughts have disappeared. I don't even want to entertain the fantasy, fearing it might turn into an obsession. I don't think my wife would be up for it either, as it would only be a reminder of my porn use. Porn caused numerous issues early in our marriage, and still is a sore spot.
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  7. I appreciate the response! Although it's an easy question to answer on paper, the situation is way more complicated than that. To make this easier to understand, let's call the woman in question "Ashley" and her boyfriend "Matt."I agree with you that I shouldn't be alone with Ashley. I haven't done that and don't intend to. Unfortunately, short of not going out with my wife and her friends, I can't distance myself. Matt is one of my wife's best friends and her coworker. He along with Ashley are at most every social event involving my wife's friends, usually in small spaces. I'm also extremely apprehensive to bring this up to my wife for several reasons:
    1. My wife did not like Ashley at all when she first started dating Matt.
    2. Since my wife cares about Matt, she will probably want to tell him.
    3. I like Matt as well, and with the exception of Ashley's behavior towards me, they seem to have a good relationship.
    I'm going to have to learn to deal with this if I continue to be social. I can't lock myself up in my room and avoid all these sorts of dangers. I will talk to my wife if that's what it takes, but I don't want to arouse suspicion on anybody's part if there's really nothing going on. That's part of the reason I'm asking for advice.
    anewhope and kropo82 like this.
  8. Well I definitely think its a good thing that you're asking for advice, but I must say that if you're planning on simply white-knuckling this thing, just hoping that nothing bad happens, that kinda seems like you're just waiting for it to happen.

    The absolute best thing you can possibly do here is to just tell your wife what's going on. That way she knows you DON'T want anything to happen with this lady. And if something does end up happening with her, and your wife finds out that Ashley was giving you "a look" that you were sharing, and you didn't do anything to stop it and you didn't tell your wife, its going to blow up horribly. (It will probably blow up even if your wife doesn't fond out about the looks!)

    I really don't see anything good coming from keeping this from your wife. NONE of the relationships involved are anywhere near as important as your marriage to her, so if even the possibility exists of something dangerous like that, the best thing you can do is to make sure your wife knows you side with her over any and all others! To be perfectly honest, keeping your wife in the dark about Ashley kinda looks like you actually want something to happen with her.
    Mattybnewme, naonaise and megaman85 like this.
  9. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    I've been married for a long time... but have an open marriage which has required a lot of clear communication, keep a few grains of salt handy.

    Getting the hots for other people is normal, and the forbidden nature of it all fuels the fantasy. One trick is to continue the fantasy far into the future... by imagining leaving your wife, banging Ashley for a few weeks, but realizing she's kinda boring in bed, does stuff that drives you insane, and gets freakishly jealous whenever you glance at girls in public. Hardly anyone includes BS like this in fantasies, when they should, since that's how real life goes.

    I recommend prioritizing your marital stability versus their friendship, even if that requires saying "Hey, I got the hots for Ashley and think its a good idea to (whatever solution you think of)". Immediately any secrecy is gone, you'll gain some trust points, and have a solution ready to deflate the situation. Note, it's your wife's job to manage her friendships, not yours, so don't worry about her and matt/ashley.
    megaman85 likes this.
  10. I really appreciate your solid, honest advice. I did intend on talking to my wife, but we got in a big fight Thanksgiving night and I didn't think it would be a good time to bring it up. I'm looking at this a bit differently though since posting. As you mentioned, I think a part of me actually did want something to happen. I've been unhappy with some aspects of the relationship, and my life in general. My drinking and marijuana use has increased over the past couple years, and I'm realizing my wife's friends social lives revolve around that lifestyle. I want to be more social, but I'm not sure I want be that person. So my plan is to take a break from both to regain some clarity in my life, because being buzzed was definitely another contributing factor in this situation. I still plan on talking to my wife, but after we're back on track from the current fight.
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  11. Thanks for the advice. A cold dose of reality does put a damper on the fantasy! It's also is a big help to remember that it's my wife's job to manage her friendships.
  12. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    Do you have your own seperate set of friends, or is your social life based around hers? That can be... not an obstacle, but an extra challenge.
    megaman85 likes this.
  13. Not really. My best friends live in different cities so I rarely see them. The rest of them are busy with kids, or childhood friends that I don't have much in common with any longer.
  14. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Sorry, I have zero advice. I am in awe of this post (and thread) though. Your analysis of the situation is amazing. I hope that if I am ever in the situation you are in I can look at it with the clarity you have. Lust is so dangerous for me, for all of us porn addicts, and the way you have laid out the different strands of the problem and restated your commitment to your wife is so impressive. Plus, instead of giving in to lust you've come here to seek help, support, and advice. Wow, just wow.

    There is a problem chapter which I really do not agree with, but have you read Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity? It is all about the role of fantasy in marriage.
    marr708 and megaman85 like this.
  15. Just curious, but have you told your wife about Ashley and "her look" yet, @megaman85?
    megaman85 likes this.
  16. I really appreciate you saying this. I've worked hard to change over the past few years, and clearer insight has been one of the biggest long-term benefits to giving up PMO. Writing down what I'm feeling on NoFap and working it out with other people has been my go-to strategy since I began this journey. I'd jump on this site instead of looking at porn when the cravings hit.

    Giving up porn has helped immensely with lusting after real people, but I'm still working on it. I'll look into the book you suggested. Thanks!
    marr708 and kropo82 like this.
  17. Joe, I finally talked to my wife last night about the situation over dinner. Her reaction was gentler than I expected. She acknowledged that we all are attracted to other people, and that's part of being human. She could see where I would be attracted to Ashley, as her and my wife are both sort of nerdy and "cute." She was a little hurt, but better that I told her than find out from someone else. Turns out Ashley has a bad habit of staring at other guys, and this isn't the first time. I really appreciate you nudging me to be completely honest with my wife!
    stegiss, Joe1023, anewhope and 7 others like this.
  18. rut66

    rut66 Fapstronaut

    Inspiring, courageous behavior, thank you for sharing. I think that shining the light on something held quietly inside is a great way to loosen its control. Well done.
    megaman85 likes this.
  19. Thanks man. It wasn't easy to bring up to my wife.
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  20. geheim

    geheim Fapstronaut

    Very interesting topic, I understand fully.

    I know that this has been pretty much resolved, but isn't it funny how delusional we men become when confronted with sexual temptation? Some lady locks eyes with us and bam, our fantasies are off into some fuzzy alternative reality. We interpret the events in the best possible light. Our reasoning becomes fucking ridiculous (excuse my English). We imagine the most fantastic and romantic things. Reality is she's some c*nt who probably has psychological issues and is struggling with some kind of demons, hence the behavior. Really nothing desirable.

    If you'd see what's really going on, spiritually, and the destructive and corrupted origins of these kinds of things, maybe past traumatic experiences and the like, you'd run as far as you can. She'd look so ugly, pathetic. Major turnoff. Anything that in our imagination is so fantastic is actually just some superficial, base and worthless shit that later looks ridiculous if we "wake up" from our delusion. Probably after we have destroyed the valuable things in our life.

    I'm not talking about this girl particularly, but I think it's safe to say that women who seek either excessive or abnormal (adulterous) sexual attention have their own demons being the cause for this.
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2019

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