Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by EkkiEkkiPitangZoomBoing, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. Are there any NoFap members who also abstaine from fantasizing about their SO? For example I fantasize a lot about mine but I feel like this isn't healthy either since she isn't really there to communicate her wants to me. Does that make sense to anyone? I mean if an appreciation for reality is what we're trying to foster then I should also stop M'ing to fantasies about my SO, correct?

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2016
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  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    You are correct. Don't get me wrong.... fantasizing about your SO is better than fantasizing about someone else. But you run the risk of objectifying her - she is a person, not an object for your sexual satisfaction. Also it depends on the type of fantasies you're having. Is it just you and her having romantic sex? Or are you imagining scenarios, role-playing, other participants, and themes of power or dominance? Are you still be getting sexually aroused by the same things you used to watch but you simply inserted your wife into those scene?

    Early in your recovery you need to allow your brain to return to a normal, calm, and balanced state of mind. Fantasizing keeps your brain in heightened state of excitement often during times when you can't properly find an outlet. Those scenarios can eventually become stale and then the desire to escalate enters the picture. Just make sure the only outlet you seek is your SO.
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2016
  3. Glad I'm on the right path. I felt a little crazy for asking the question.

    It's a bit of all of that really. Sometimes it's romantic other times it scenes I've seen in P but with us inserted into the scenario. I started having a guilty feeling because what if these things aren't what she would want? And even if we've done these things that doesn't mean she will a) do them again or b) want to do them when I do them. So it seems like M'ing even to fantasies about her is just reinforcing selfishness on my part.

    Great advice and insight. Thank you for your reply!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2016
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  4. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    For my husband, he's given up all of it. Or working to. Ming, fantasy (not sure if he ever fantasizes about me) and objectifying women. He stopped looking at P 7 years ago, with only a small number of short term relapses, but it was only since giving up M, fantasy and objecifying women that he's come out of the brain fog and truly started to change.
  5. Wow, awesome news for the both of you!! I'm happy he's finally come out of the brain fog and is seeing significant changes. I'm glad I've listened to my gut and asked this question. I've had a lot of people talk to me about PMO and the dangers of P, but it's like a lot of people, from my experience anyway, are silent when it comes to abstaining from M'ing to SO fantasies.
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  6. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    Unless you are using straight memory of her, which by definition is not fantasy, then you aren't really thinking about your wife. In fantasy she's not a full person, just your projection of what you want her to be. Your real wife will seem cold, unresponsive, and unimaginative in comparison. It's unfair to make her compete with that idealistic mirage.

    Better to let go of sexual fantasy altogether, in my view. Concentrate on fostering a stronger relationship with your wife through more communication, love languages, and non sexual contact. If you do FANOS, it ensures both of you get a chance to talk about your feelings, be grateful, request something, and apologize for something every day.
  7. @Meshuga

    Thank you for your input. You pretty much hit the nail on the head when you said "in fantasy she is not a full person." One thing she loves to call me is her soulmate and interestingly enough the faculties of the soul are said to be the intellect and will, which are the vary things fantasy by its vary nature excludes. It's clear fantasy robs her of her personhood which then just leaves objectification as @fupornwife mentioned.

    I can't thank everyone enough for the great input and insights. I'm committed to root out the fantasizing behavior. It's clearly a barrier to authentic love and appreciation for her as a person.

    Also I just want to clarify she's not my wife...yet...and believe me it's not because I don't wan't her to be. I just think she's afraid to make it "official" because how her father and mothers marriage ended. We all have our demons.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2016
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  8. noper32

    noper32 Fapstronaut

    I think that the fact that those we love don't actually match our memories or fantasies of them is part of what makes relationships so fulfilling. Those we love are unpredictable and real, and that's how we know they're not merely shadows or fantasies. A quote from CS Lewis's outstanding A Grief Observed goes well here; Lewis is describing how he wants to love the real, unpredictable, and imperfect parts of his wife after her death, and not just an idealized memory of her:

    "The earthly beloved, even in this life, incessantly triumphs over your mere idea of her. And you want her to; you want her with all her resistances, all her faults, all her unexpectedness. That is, in her foursquare and independent reality. And this, not any image or memory, is what we are to love still, after she is dead."
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2016
  9. CS Lewis is incredibly amazing. Right up there with G.K. Chesterton.

    Thank you for sharing the quote!

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