Fapping, Jacking Off, Beating Off...doesn't matter...I've been at it for 36yrs!

Umm...where to begin. I will give you guys a condensed version so it isn't so long and drawn out. I can always fill in the blanks in later posts.

12yrs- Normal kid masturbating. Every now and then I would see a mag a little harder than Playboy. Maybe a Penthouse or something like that.

15-21yrs- My older brother accumulated quite a collection of XXX full penetration magazines. All straight boy/girl stuff. I remember seeing my first full penetration picture and thinking there is no way this is real...must be trick photography. I was PMOing probably 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes I couldn't wait to get home from school so I could PMO. At that time I was already going through the thought process of quitting. Our Mother found his collection and made him put it in trash bags and take it out to the dump. While no one was looking a shoved a bunch down my pants and took them back to the house. At the time deleting my collection meant burning your stash in the backyard fireplace. During mid burn I threw water on it and took the remains back to my room.

22-31yrs- Military Days- Visited many ports and had sex with many prostitutes. Still had a little stash of magazines on the side throughout. During this time I had girlfriends...fairly normal relationships. Never had an issue with ED but always throughout my life could never really connect with women. There was always an awkwardness there. At times during this period all my friends would have girlfriends and I wouldn't have one. It was as if the women could sense something was different about me.


32-35yrs- I started viewing internet porn. I remember a guy at work was always checking out sites. I asked him what he was looking at and he told me TGPs. I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't even know what a thumbnail was. I had a desktop computer at home and started to check out different sites. Discovered that I could look for stuff related to just my fetish (feet/legs/heels). The dopamine rush begins!!

36-40yrs- Was more of a sex addict than internet porn addict. I was always frequenting AMPs (Asian Massage Parlours) and modeling studios. Looking for escort services online and taking porn monger vacations. Went to Brazil twice and had sex with multiple women a day. Completely burnt down a couple relationships because of this. Tried to keep it hidden but I think I wanted to get caught.
Tried to attend some SA meetings but could never get a sponsor. Didn't like that crowd anyway. Thought they were a bunch of hypocrites. Went back to internet porn. High speed kills.

41-48yrs- Exclusively internet porn. A lot safer and easier plus I didn't have to deal with the attitudes of the women. I can't really say it was much cheaper though. I would be a member of 10 - 15 sites at a time. It adds up...believe me!. Was fapping for hours at a time. 8-10hrs sometimes. Would take days off of work to fap. Stayed in my bubble. That's the only place I wanted to be...my porn bubble.

I have personally kept Kleenex in business for over 3 decades! My dick should be a bloody stump right now. If someone would invent a small generator that fits on my right hand I could power a small city.

I joke but I am in much pain over this as you guys know.

I finally discover YourBrainOnPorn which led me to reddit NoFap which led me here. Im at the beginning of my 90day reboot.

Right now I am on a 2week no PMO streak!! All because I visit these pages and post. This is wonderful.

Thanks for taking time to read my story.

 

I'm hoping nofap will help me come out of this fog that I've been in Rhubarb. Help me with intimacy problems as well. I am married and I have never discussed this with my wife. We have a great relationship and I think she might have some concerns but I've been like this since I met her...7yrs ago.

 

Uh...I don't know about that Rhubarb. I've gone over the scenario of me telling her a 1000 times in my head and it never ends well for me. There is only one other person that knows of my secret and that's my ex girlfriend. (might as well be my ex wife. We were together for 12yrs) When I told her she flipped out on me. All of a sudden I was a complete perv. She didn't even try to understand. That's why I went to SA. To try to kick it then, but between the bad experience I had at SA and her dogging me out at every turn it just deepened my addiction. It was a terrible experience. Oh yea...she told her family too.

My wife now is a much more understanding person and I don't think she would freak out like that but I don't want to take the chance...at least not now...take the chance of changing our dynamic. Once told something like this the whole thing changes. The way I'm perceived, the way I'm understood...

I would rather take time to get this under control and then talk to her about. I know that I have to tell her sometime. I would like to have the hard part in the past so I can present it like it IS mostly in the past...even though I know I am an addict for life.

Maybe that makes no sense but that is how I feel.

 

I've tried countless times to quit myself and this is by far the furthest I've gotten and it's because of reddit NoFap. I knew there must be guys out there like me.

It's great to talk to all of you. You can do this slip! Just think of the changes it 'will' make in your life. There is no way that it can't change it. Think about it...How can you do something as destructive as PMO for decades, stop and have that not affect you in a positive way. My whole life I've been doing this shit. I've made major decisions around porn...so I could be closer to it...able to access easier. It's all BS!

Quitting might feel like crap at first but in the long run...FREEDOM!