Fapping myself to death, literally

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by La_Fap_Meistro, Oct 31, 2013.

  1. La_Fap_Meistro

    La_Fap_Meistro New Fapstronaut

    Dear Sirs,

    Firstly, thank you internet for the anonymity you grant allowing the expression of shameful posts such as this.

    I am a compulsive fapper, as I suspect the majority of modern males are. Bored of the usual fapping material and with no desire to entertain the concept of pursuing illegal or very strange material I sought that which would enhance my viewing pleasure for less extreme pornography. Namely drugs. In this case legal drugs.

    Too embarrassed to buy the product I learned how to chemically manufacture the stuff. Some of you will have guessed the substance is isopropyl nitrite, commercially known as poppers, widely touted as a harmless recreational drug predominately targeted at the homosexual market.

    I have inhaled poppers and fapped many times over the years as it enhances the desire and the orgasm, but only twice have I taken what I would consider dangerously high doses. One of those times was today. Not wanting to fall short of the best orgasm ever, I inhaled several times the normal dose...I didn't finish my fap session, before I knew it I was sitting on the bed rocking back and forth trying to control my breathing and not black out and kept reminding myself that the feeling would pass. You see, the substance competes with blood oxygen, and while extremely rare, it is not unheard of to die from hypoxia.

    Rather than continue down this dark road, I have joined your community to make the subtle sexy, sexy again. I want to break away from this kind of thing which will help me and my relationship for the future. I understand all of your frustrations only too well and I have the utmost respect for the long-timers. One day I hope to share this title.

    La Fap Meistro
  2. Volition

    Volition Fapstronaut

    Hi Meistro, well good for you taking the step to stop your cycle of self-destruction. Breaking the PMO cycle is tough enough, and I am sure that your habit of combining two types of hyper-stimulation will make it more challenging in some ways.

    Anyway, the first step is wanting to stop, and you are doing that! Be kind to yourself, and know you are making a great decision here.

    We're here to support you and traveling the road with you.
  3. johndoe1990

    johndoe1990 Fapstronaut

    Hey there La_Fap_Meistro,

    Welcome to the community and I am sure you will find what you expecting to achieve right here! I want to just mention I bare with you on your addiction as I have also been a long time Amyl Nitrate user! I started using it in roughly 2010 and since then has been an almost daily occurrence. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to use it due to the high cost and that's when things got bad, because during my time off it every time I would fap no matter to what type of porn or even when I was with a girl the orgasm would just be dull, it just wasn't the same, and trying to peak without it felt impossible...

    There was a stage I went through in about 2012 I think it was, where I would use it as normal (I'm not sure if it was overdose as I would use it as I normally did) but 1 - 2 hour later developed a closed chest and would find it extremely hard to breath. Also thinking it was just a once off time I continued to try push through and continued using it, every time after I would use it would be inevitable that 1 - 2 hours later my chest would start to close up again, what made things worst was my usage would usually take place during the evenings so I'd go to bed feeling find and then wake up in the middle of the night having episodes of feeling like I was about to suffocate! And every night would be a 3 hour stay up to control my breathing manually and praying that I don't suffocate in my sleep and telling God if he helps me live through tonight I will stop using it tomorrow... Of course that wasn't the case and most nights turned up being the same situation, where I'd stop breathing and start praying. After about a solid 2 months of the same thing happening over and over I eventually got use to the idea of it effecting my chest and expected it when it did and found ways to manage and deal with it, because at the time it seemed like dealing and managing the breathing was a much more simpler solution than trying to give it up altogether.

    If you wondering why it only lasted the 2 months (Which by the way you won't believe what I went through during those 2 months), well it started to get really really bad... My chest still started to close up as normal but it started to increase in severity, I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my heart and developed a headache that felt like I was having a stroke (Very hard to explain how it actually felt). As normal I made it through the night with constant praying and panicking, but as normal the next night I was back at it! I again thought "Na, that was a once of occurrence", so the very next night I tried again! Like learning absolutely nothing from previous experience it happened again the same sharp stabbing pain and stroke like headache.. At that point that was enough to make me really give it up! That same night I recall going outside smashing the bottle to make sure the next day I wouldn't run into the same problem. I gave it up for about 6 months after that (I'm sure a little longer than that)!

    There's a few other symptoms I developed during my experience with Rush (No other popper could satisfy it like Rush could) which are too many to list, but some of them are extremely low immune system for when I got sick (And I am generally healthy, went for tests), chronic headaches during the day, body aches, sometimes during the day would also have mild chest closure, developed a rash over my body after I'd shower (Again generally healthy don't have any STDs) but later learnt I actually developed eczema and then of course the worst thing of all was the Rush would start getting really weak that even when opening up a new bottle just wouldn't give me the same orgasm I was expecting, sometimes it would actually destroy my orgasm altogether. There are so many other things it does over long term usage that haven't been documented.

    So I know that was a long ass description of my account but I am sure you can related to many situations I experienced and so you know that I do identify with your situation... I want to firstly start off and tell you I have not officially given up Rush; what I mean by that is I landed up using again after having felt like I recovered but learnt to limit my use and try not be so dependent on it, I have not experience any severe issues since I started using again (But I am sure it is just a matter of time and sometimes I do have episodes, but rarely compared to before). But having said that when I started this NoFap "challenge" I have tried to promise to myself that no matter what the outcome of this challenge is, (so I am not sure if I will meet my goal of PMO which so far is going pretty good and I am quite confident I will) I will no matter what completely give up Rush. The next thing to mention which is good news, is during my 6 months of having given up I had very very small cravings and orgasms return to normal without the need for poppers, I can't remember how long it took but it was reasonably quick. So it's just good to know that it is possible to give it up entirely without needing it at all, or even thinking about it. If you wondering why I started again, I had a week point in my life and alcohol happened to cheer on the use of it, I am not an alcoholic or anything but just had a time where I drank a bit much and couldn't help but buy Rush to compliment some of the effects. I don't drink much anymore (Got a girlfriend now and studies to concentrate on), but I am still/was a user of Rush. (Been clean for about 6 days now xD, don't have cravings at all!)

    Now that I have also taken on the NoFap challenge I have discovered that I was never truly addicted to Rush, but addicted to the source of the problem! Orgasm and Porn (PMO)! Those were my problems, the only reason I would use rush was to try increase the effects of my orgasm and make the porn I was watching more real (You know what I mean!) and I can remember searching hours a night on how to even further my orgasms which if I did It would have easily taken the place of Rush, which is further proof that it wasn't really the Rush I was addicted to. You also have to ask yourself, do you ever use the poppers outside the scope of sexual pleasures? If you answered "No" then you probably have a deeper addiction to porn, masturbation and orgasm. This is the place to definitely start your recovery and reboot!

    During my use with poppers I found that different brands other than Rush would effect me more negatively and I also found some versions of Rush, which were usually fake Rush (Didn't have the proper branding, but did purchase it at a legitimate porn shop) also did. The point I mention that is that the first most important thing of all! Is that you completely stop the use of your "home-made" version of poppers! I am not condoning the use of other poppers, but I am just saying I believe it is "safer" you stick to proper manufactured nitrates, not homemade. Also having said that I would recommend not using them at all! Trust me, if you start the challenge you'll find you not craving poppers but orgasm, porn with poppers and with sometime won't feel the need for poppers at all.

    I am sorry for the extremely long essay, but hopefully you will find parts of it useful... If you have any questions about my experiences with poppers, I will try answer best as I can.

    One day at a time,
  4. Welcome Meistro. I think we all mingle various addictions together for the sole purpose of escaping life. You're on the right track and just have to take one step at a time and have patience with yourself. No excuses, plenty of honesty, but nevertheless patience. We didn't get here overnight and we probably won't reach perfection overnight either.

    It helps me to write down a plan, goals, and a schedule on my phone and read it regularly. It includes my list of reasons for quitting. I'm also took up praying regularly which helps keep me focused, eliminate noise and distractions, and chokes temptations.

    Enjoy the journey and don't be afraid to live life!
  5. JustLikeU

    JustLikeU Fapstronaut

    Hey JohnDoe1990,

    I just read your forum reply that discussed your experiences with porn and poppers. I too have fallen into this addictive cycle and just wanted to touch bases with someone else who knows what it's like.

    I think it's been about three years since I first discovered poppers and began using them in combination with porn. Needless to say, they are a powerful combination that got me completely hooked immediately. I go through phases where I PMPO daily, and other phases where it is less often. No matter what though, in the last three years I have rarely ever M'ed without using poppers. M'ing without poppers is just such a let down.

    I'll be sharing more about my story in future posts but for now, thanks for sharing yours. It gives me some hope that I can beat this problem and perhaps even return to more normal and healthy behaviors. Congrats on your long streak of success!

  6. JamesD

    JamesD Fapstronaut

    I too have used them. They are difficult to get past. Best not to have any in the house. After not using them a while, the craving does pass.
  7. John84

    John84 Fapstronaut

    I think you might wanna talk to your doctor then battling this alone with support just from an internet community. This sounds like a serious problem that threatens your very life if you could get hypoxia.
    Last edited: May 12, 2017

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