Fapstronaut from Germany (hopefully)

Hello there!
My name is Daniel, I am 30 years old and live in Germany. For many years I uses Porn and also Sexchat for stimulation. I have a girlfriend since nearly ten years. We only see each other at the weekends and holidays, so the chats and porns was always ok with her. She was not enthusiastic about it, but she accepted it. Even because I have fantasies she don't have and don't want to live. Nevertheless, our sexlife never suffered from it.
About two or three years now, the hole thing was getting worst. That was also the time I get depressions. These depressions are very strong, now. I recognized, that I was spending too much time on the internet for Porn and Sexchat. More time for Sexchat than Porn. Always waiting for the right partner. I am a submissive guy and I was always waiting for instructions I can do with me for real. Of course most of the chats were very annoying and stupid. But some of them where really good and I was pleasured. But sometimes I spendet 4 to 5 ours in front of my pc. Often I staid on the edge for a long time, touching myself. Many times I didn't had an orgasm, because I liked the feeling of staying horny. That horniness made me do things I would never do when I am totally clear minded. And I had thoughts, I've never had. I had to push the dose further and further. Luckily I have never done risky things. When I spendet time with my girlfriend I never thought of porn stuff or chats. But since two or three years, that changed. I wouldn't have sex with her, because I wanted to wait for PMO under the week when I am alone. But when she started the initiative, our sex was good and I was pleasured. I had been with her on vacation for three weeks, without PMO.
A few month ago I started with second life. I thought it would be great to do things here and met more people than I met on chats. I really thought I can go on second life, play for an hour or two and thats it. But I addicted to it really fast. I met a girl, chatted with her and do also voice chatting. We liked each others fantasies and played together.
I had no one to tell about that, but than I was taking a heart and told my girlfriend. She told me that I have to quit that because of my mental dissease. She was not primary afraid of our sex life to suffer from it. But about my mental condition.
I knew, that it will be nearly impossible to quit with that that easy. So I started a last play round with the girl I met many times before. And when I was finished, my horniness flowed away and I used this phase to delete the account and the mail adress for second life. So I am not be able to use that account any more.
The day after I started with NoFap. I was not watching Porn for over three weeks, no chat and no masturbation. I had sex with my girlfriend on the weekends and it was great. There had been some weird pictures in my head, but not the whole time. My orgasm was also very good.
But two days ago I installed second life again and made a new avatar. I was searching for the girl I was taking to and told her about my problems and that I deleted the other account. She was gross and told me I had to leave and never come back to her. Honestly I was hoping for such a reaction, so I am not be able to talk to her anymore. But I was not leaving second life then. I played kinky stuff with other people. I was wondering, that I felt more entertained than arroused. Maybe thats a good sign. Of course I had an erection from time to time, but I never touched myself. Also I was doing other things on my computer and was not sitting only in front of second life. It is a fight in my head and I try to find a middle way, but there is no middle way. I really want to quit that stuff.
I also told my girlfriend about my NoFap Programm and that I wasn't chatting for three weeks. Now I have to tell her, that I was not strong enough to fight against it for longer.
My depressions are not because of my PMO addiction. They goes deeper. The reasons are in my childhood and also in my currently life. So my whole life is the reason for my depressions. Father cheated with other women, parents divorced, sligthed by my mother, moved to my father and stepmother, get slighted by both of them, I had only one or two friends in school, because I was a strange guy, I get mobbed in school and out of school, my job don't get me anything. My father divorced from my stepmom and he had a new wife. This wife was really good to me and I was hoping for a "real family" for a last time. After my mom died from cancer my father divorced from his third wife and the next "family" was broken. The only constant in my life is my girlfriend and my job. I hate my job and my girlfriend and I live in different places. I am sure I would feel better in a new job and at the same city with my girlfriend. But the depression don't let me do that. I am afraid of every change, but I am not happy with the current situation.
I hope, that NoFap give me back the energy I need, to change this things.

And after this long story I have a question: What do you know about triggering yourself without touching and with trying not to feel excited? Is this a good way, a bad way or just nevermind? And is this a break with NoFap after my first over three weeks without PMO or not?

Greetings
Daniel

P.S. I am in therapy because of my depression, but my psychologist don't know about my addiction, but I will tell him on friday.

P.P.S. I am not here for a religious reason. I am totally atheistic.

 

I am sure my therapist have no knowledge on this subject. He is a little bit strange. He told me some day, that he thinks, that a man who likes women in leather and heels are pervert.

 

I think, that masturbation itself is okay and good. But only if you do it without porn or sexchat. Just with your phantasies. And without Porn stuff I think a human being is able to masturbate in a healthy way. I really hope, that I can reboot my brain and clear it from porn so that some day, maybe just in a few years, I can masturbate without destroying my mental health. But until that day I want to be a Fapstronaut. Our parents also had touched themselves and they are not so destroyed like we are. They don't had this whole porn stuff and so I think that is the problem we have. We can't handle this. But if I can make it without that stuff in mind, I think I can go back to a normal masturbation life. Maybe once in two weeks, if not, I have to deal with it. Time will tell.
But my focus lies on my current problem.