Fearful of Confession.

I am not single and I messed up this area of my life completely, so I will not comment further, but I did want to applaud you for being conscientious and thinking about this even now. It will do you well. However, do not operate from fear. That is not the best long-term motivator. Instead, be driven by love. So, do not think in terms of "fear of confession," rather, consider desiring to be one with this future spouse and so to have no secrets from one another. Lies flourish in the dark, but relationship can only grow in the full light of the Truth!

 

Hey @YoungDavid , welcome to the community! I'm looking forward to running with you! Let's go!

Easy, Jesus literally died for everything you've ever done. You're completely free from your past. Jesus took away the curse by becoming cursed in your place (Gal 3:13-14). Your past doesn't define you anymore, Jesus' past defines you now.
I'm not married, but I will tell my future relationship that I messed up but Jesus died for me so I can become His again - holy and beloved (Col. 3:12)

It's important to understand that you're never defined by what you've done - you're defined by what He's done - and He chose to send His son so that we can come back into the His family again.

 

I think it's important to add, if this sense of guilt is something that is on your heart and it's not going away, deal gently with your heart about it.
I think it would be wise to dig deeper into truth on this, so to replace the lies associated with it. Feelings of condemnation, guilt, & shame will always hinder God's purpose in your life since these are not from God (having been removed through the cross). Since Jesus took away any debt/guilt we have (Col. 2:14), these thoughts come from our own unrenewed thinking or by believing demonic influences in our lives.

 

I don't think I see this the same way as everyone else here, I will offer my view. Of course, the choice is yours.

If and when your future wife or girlfriend comes home with new hairdo and with obvious pleasure about her new look she asks you, what do you think? If you hate the new look (perhaps because you loved the old one), it is extremely unwise to say so. Equally, questions like "does this make me look big", are not to be answered with brutal honesty. In other words and contrary to popular view, I think there is a limit to the honesty one should employ in a relationship.

I think it is important to be honest about our weaknesses with one's spouse but I don't think we need to see them as our confessors, unless that is your desire. In my mind, a confessor is someone whom we detail our sins to and who then provides some guidance and then helps us experience God's forgiveness. If your wife asks you a direct question about your sinfulness, answer it honestly but it is your choice as to how much detail you provide. After all, only God's opinion of us is truly important and only God can forgive our sins.

My wife knows of my susceptibility to the sins of lust and she accepts that as a human, I am not without sin. She knows that I work to eliminate, as far as possible, all of the temptations which may come to my view or into my mind. However, my wife seeks no such assistance from me with her sins or temptations. Quite frankly, I no longer spend any time considering what her sins and temptations might be. Many years ago, when I attempted to point out one of her sins, she categorically stated - "you are not my confessor". Accordingly, I have not detailed the ugliest incidents of my sins of lust with my wife I see no need or benefit in going into such detail with her.

Yes, when the day comes be honest with your beloved about your weaknesses and seek their help in keeping you away from temptation and on the road to Christ but you need not make her your confessor unless that is your desire.

 

Using this definition of "confessor," I do not think a spouse makes a very good one either. They can function in this capacity, but I do not think this is always (or even often) helpful. However, I do think it would be deceptive to hide chronic sin from a spouse, and we are not children of lies but of truth. Active, intentional deception will undermine the foundation of a marriage and lead to its eventual ruin. While we do not need to review every ugly detail with our wives (and perhaps should not do so, in many cases), I do believe we harm them even more by not being honest and open with them about our struggles with lust.

 

Welcome! I'm going to offer a quick tangential answer: In the first place, if you are currently addicted to porn, it is much more important that you deal with that addiction now before you enter a relationship. It will be much easier to admit to a potential wife that you had a porn addiction in the past, than to say you are currently struggling with a porn addiction. And it's obvious what the next question will be from your potential spouse, "When was the last time you looked at porn?" I don't know how old or young you are, but at this point, let me just encourage you to give everything you've got to putting the nail in the coffin of this addiction in your life if it's still something you're struggling with. Some of us have been addicted for 20+ years.

 

Fear and worry are future tense. Who among us knows what will happen in the future? Only the eternal God can.


Here's a promise he makes about our futures:

"God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”
So we say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”" Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV


This scripture was used as the reason to be content with what we have, not loving money. But I am sure it can be applied to all our situations. God is with us, today, in our present trouble. God will be with us tomorrow, whatever that may bring. It reminds me of the passage which begins "consider the lilies. They do not toil nor spin..."


Dwell on this truth that God knows your situation - your present and your future. He's bigger than the situation. And his purposes are far greater and more imaginative ours.


But let's just say that you feel the need to speak with your girlfriend. We need to examine why confession would be beneficial. If you feel she needs to know because it might effect the sex and intimacy, even though you've been free, it might be wise. If it's just to appease your sense of guilt, that's not wise.

But let's just imagine you have confessed about having had this issue (I'm living in the hope you will have gained freedom!) and she rejects you for it.

It might be God saying she wasn't right for you. It could start her on a particular journey she needs to go on. Likewise it might be God's way of drawing you closer to him. Who knows but God himself?

If she breaks up with you it would be hard but you already have a first love.


But the confession could be what is needed to bring the two of you closer. Who knows?


There is a healthy amount of confession that is beneficial. It is up to each spouse to define that. My wife has made it clear i cannot tell her about this - nor my crossdressing. That's a boundary she has to keep her safe. So when i handed my wife all my cash this week i just said that it's not safe with me. She can infer from that based on our history, but didn't need to know my ins and outs. Other people do, and it's enough for her to know I'm working on it.

But until you are faced with the situation, trust God to help you honour him today.

 

We are in complete agreement on these points. I must add that a vital recovery building block for me is the knowledge that God has forgiven my sins and by this, I am a new man. The old me is dead and buried! I can walk in the warm sunshine of God's love shinning down on my face. If one has a spouse who refuses to forgive past sins, no matter how horrible, it would be very hard to feel this encouragement. Thankfully, my wife understands this and I understand it about her too. We support each other on the path toward eternal redemption.