Feedback and community standards

Discussion in 'NoFap Technical Support and Feedback' started by Saskia Simone, Apr 13, 2018.

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  1. Saskia Simone

    Saskia Simone Fapstronaut

    An open letter to @Alexander
    (I could not pm this, sorry)


    I know I impose on you in writing directly, but I beg your consideration as I write. It’s not a technical matter, but a personal one, that I write about now.

    I should introduce myself to begin. I am a 40 year old mother of 5, and I have been part of this recovery community for 3 years now. It’s been very difficult here, as a female addict. My sexual acting out has taken different forms, and I have found engaging here brings the wrong kind of attention, if I speak honestly, or plain hostility and suspicion. Often I have been ignored and dismissed. I have changed my name 3 times, but finally I feel driven from this place, and I’d like you to be aware of why.

    A while ago, another user joined the forum in 40+. He is a prolific poster and gets many likes. Lots of words, big voice... but his voice consistently speaks of control and coercion against women. I will give you specific details that you may judge for yourself. His name is John Maclean, and the most offensive of all his writings is found in post #107 of vizla dad’s journal. Many times since he has also written in a controlling fashion about women, and how to make them respond to you (General you, as he writes to his male audience) as you wish.

    I approached vxlccm about the entry in vizla dad’s journal, wondering how to effectively counter the entry above (which appears to dismiss consent and dialogue in regards to sexual activity as optional). I know vx is not admin, but he has some standing and we talked about a separate thread to discuss the issue. But John fell ill, and in deference to that I told him to do nothing. But John continues to write controlling and demeaning advice which is well received by the men reading, and potentially hurtful to their wives.

    My own journal/s have told of my own situation, where domestic abuse and threats of violence are occasional occurrences. I concede that this lived experience of mine colours my reading of John’s words. But vxlccm also expressed that John was out of line, in private messages between us.

    Last weekend, after more of the same in John’s journal, I posted there in opposition. Maybe I was out of line to do that, but I was not without support. To surmise, discussion followed that basically dismissed me as being a woman having an outburst of negative emotion, and vx publicly spoke in defense of John’s biblical mandate to lead his wife, and that any opinion another woman might have didn’t need to be heard.

    All this sounds so trivial, I’m sure, and in the grand scheme of things, it IS. But equally, owing to John and vx, I have been maligned and dismissed. This was MY recovery place, too, and I do not feel free to continue here in any way. Also, the TONE of conversation is absolutely misogynistic and vile.

    I do not know that you have time for any investigation or investment with this issue, but it was important to me that I write, that I am heard. As a woman, I face many barriers to getting help for sexually compulsive behaviours that these men will never understand. And their view that men need to be able to speak freely without women trying to control the conversation is an absolutely misunderstanding about what actually went on. It was in the context of a sustained, relentless wave of hurtful advice by an individual who has been held up as a leader.

    I’m hurting, badly. I don’t know what you can do, but thank you for listening. This place has been good for me, until recently. I am not blameless, I am sure, and welcome your criticism if it can amend things. But please address this rampant dismissal of the female voice. We need this place too.


  2. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    I wasn't as upset about this as you, until I reported that rapey post and the report was rejected as "not actionable." Uh... wtf? Tell someone to cup their hand over their wife's mouth and basically force her into the bedroom even if she says she just wants to talk is a-okay here on NoFap? I've had my share of disagreements with moderation decisions, but this one is just ridiculous.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  4. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

  5. Survivalist

    Survivalist NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    Hello all,

    The post was reviewed once more and was edited out by a Moderator.

  6. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut


    After I cleaned up the thread, I failed to post a public notice in there to alert all members that the objectionable content was deleted. I used private correspondence with certain users to let them know action was taken, I'm sorry for not posting to the general public and thus allowing the perception that this was ignored. My apologies.
    kropo82, Kenzi and Castielle like this.
  7. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Community Manager
    Staff Member

    Thank you for expressing your concerns, We rely heavily on users to let us know what is going on. We did not get a report on the particular post that precipitated these concerns until recently, and we actioned it appropriately, after initially rejecting. While I understand concerns expressed here about encouraging sexual violence, we have repeatedly made it clear that these types of posts, or any misogynist post for that matter, are not appropriate. However, we cannot monitor everything given how much traffic the forums get and how small our team is. We rely on users like you to let us know what is going on. If you see anything like this again, please report it, If you see a user with a history of these posts, please PM a moderator about it and we will look into it.

    Additionally, please note that the Feedback forum is not the appropriate place to bring up such concerns. It is for peer-to-peer support on issues such as using the website and our associated services. It is not routinely monitored by the moderation team unless a question is asked that only a team member can answer. If you have concerns about certain user(s) in the future, please PM a moderation team about them.
    Deleted Account, Kenzi and Castielle like this.
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