EnemyofMyself
New Fapstronaut
Hello everyone I'm new here. I got quite a story with trying to quit pornography and after lots of failures I'm here because I can't do this anymore.
All of this started at age of 12 or so, at that moment I started to go trough my puberty and being uneducated and unaware of both what happening to my body and the harm of the pornography I started to use it, because it felt good. Since my brain was a 'virgin' a picture of a half-naked girl would be enough for me, but as time passes the effect of desensitization took place and right now I watch something that a normal human would never watch. Basically from the age of 12 up to this moment (I'm 20) I was watching porn. Sure enough I did lots of brakes between it and up to 15 I wouldn't even call it an addiction, because in best cause I did it one or two times a month. But after 15 for a few months I moved out with my older brother and that gave me a 'freedom' that was the time when I started to 'use' heavily (watching porn on daily basis). With every month my addiction got worse until I found myself in depression, in nihilism, and being totally lost. I would just read fantasy books all day long to 'escape' the realty and jerk off at night, I would fill myself with tons of information so I wouldn't be left alone with my thoughts. But at some point I realized that I can't continue like that and I tried to fix all of it. The result was obvious, I failed even before I started. I don't know for how long I tried but it was pointless until I found one guy who was talking about harm of pornography, self-improvement and etc. He had a course on willpower that I bought and after watching it my world went upside down. He talked about the root of the problem, he talked about work mechanism of a brain, about dopamine, serotonin, neuroplasticity, and how all of them work. Newlifestarted#10/25/22 that was my password for that course. I declared and accepted myself as an addict, I wrote a strategy with how to deal with my problems, bad habits, and addictions. I put myself on a dopamine diet (i.e no more porn, junk food, sugar, games, social media, music and etc.) I used an App Block to get rid of all content and websites. It was hard, very hard, I remember having terrible cravings and mood swings, I remember how my brain was convincing myself to do that one more time and I don't know where did I get the strength to fight back but I did it. First 2 months was terrible, I was very vulnerable and sensitive but with time it was getting better, the life started to get better, and I stopped to feel like I'm at the bottom of abyss. But what was that saying? "All good things must come to an end" oh yes, right. After about 6-7 month of being 'clean' I relapsed. The details is not important, what happened was 100% my mistake, I was arrogant thinking that I cured myself, that I will never come back to this addiction, but I was wrong. After I relapsed, for more than 1 year I couldn't fix it, I tried multiple times but it didn't worked, the app blocks stopped working because my brain found other ways of accessing porn. Still even to this moment I couldn't win over my porn addiction. I read multiple studies, I watched videos, I read books (like Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson), I rewatched that willpower course twice hoping to do the same thing that I was able to do before, but none of it worked. The best I was able to achieve is 2 month of being clean and that's when I tried a different approach. Since I couldn't do this myself anymore, I had to ask for a help. I put my trust, my anger, my sadness into the hands of God and it worked, I was finally able to go for more than two weeks, and once again I thought that this time with all my experience I'm going to do this, until 2 month later I messed it up.
I have the knowledge, I have the understanding on how things works, I did it in the past, but even with all of this I'm still having this addiction which I can't defeat. Sorry for all this text, I just had to put it somewhere. My question is what can I do to get rid of an addiction that I had for almost 8 years which I can't win over because I'm too weak?
All of this started at age of 12 or so, at that moment I started to go trough my puberty and being uneducated and unaware of both what happening to my body and the harm of the pornography I started to use it, because it felt good. Since my brain was a 'virgin' a picture of a half-naked girl would be enough for me, but as time passes the effect of desensitization took place and right now I watch something that a normal human would never watch. Basically from the age of 12 up to this moment (I'm 20) I was watching porn. Sure enough I did lots of brakes between it and up to 15 I wouldn't even call it an addiction, because in best cause I did it one or two times a month. But after 15 for a few months I moved out with my older brother and that gave me a 'freedom' that was the time when I started to 'use' heavily (watching porn on daily basis). With every month my addiction got worse until I found myself in depression, in nihilism, and being totally lost. I would just read fantasy books all day long to 'escape' the realty and jerk off at night, I would fill myself with tons of information so I wouldn't be left alone with my thoughts. But at some point I realized that I can't continue like that and I tried to fix all of it. The result was obvious, I failed even before I started. I don't know for how long I tried but it was pointless until I found one guy who was talking about harm of pornography, self-improvement and etc. He had a course on willpower that I bought and after watching it my world went upside down. He talked about the root of the problem, he talked about work mechanism of a brain, about dopamine, serotonin, neuroplasticity, and how all of them work. Newlifestarted#10/25/22 that was my password for that course. I declared and accepted myself as an addict, I wrote a strategy with how to deal with my problems, bad habits, and addictions. I put myself on a dopamine diet (i.e no more porn, junk food, sugar, games, social media, music and etc.) I used an App Block to get rid of all content and websites. It was hard, very hard, I remember having terrible cravings and mood swings, I remember how my brain was convincing myself to do that one more time and I don't know where did I get the strength to fight back but I did it. First 2 months was terrible, I was very vulnerable and sensitive but with time it was getting better, the life started to get better, and I stopped to feel like I'm at the bottom of abyss. But what was that saying? "All good things must come to an end" oh yes, right. After about 6-7 month of being 'clean' I relapsed. The details is not important, what happened was 100% my mistake, I was arrogant thinking that I cured myself, that I will never come back to this addiction, but I was wrong. After I relapsed, for more than 1 year I couldn't fix it, I tried multiple times but it didn't worked, the app blocks stopped working because my brain found other ways of accessing porn. Still even to this moment I couldn't win over my porn addiction. I read multiple studies, I watched videos, I read books (like Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson), I rewatched that willpower course twice hoping to do the same thing that I was able to do before, but none of it worked. The best I was able to achieve is 2 month of being clean and that's when I tried a different approach. Since I couldn't do this myself anymore, I had to ask for a help. I put my trust, my anger, my sadness into the hands of God and it worked, I was finally able to go for more than two weeks, and once again I thought that this time with all my experience I'm going to do this, until 2 month later I messed it up.
I have the knowledge, I have the understanding on how things works, I did it in the past, but even with all of this I'm still having this addiction which I can't defeat. Sorry for all this text, I just had to put it somewhere. My question is what can I do to get rid of an addiction that I had for almost 8 years which I can't win over because I'm too weak?
