feel like a living corpse (sexual abuse)

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by recoome, May 5, 2020.

  1. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    hi, m 30 n feel like a living corpse. its been years since i laughed. i just lie on my bed most of the time. have a job but now its mostly work fromhome.

    i've been told i dont have fun and m not happy. my classmates said there's never a smile on ur face.

    sexual abuse as a child messed up with my identity badly. i became a sex addict, attention-craving person. was bullied most of my life. was a bully myself once. guess its karma that i got bullied very badly after that. made a horrible set of friends.

    doesnt help that my dad passed away early (he was the good parent). after that mom had a breakdown n became depressed, super angry all the time. abuse from cousin continued.

    now i live away from family n feel free. i identify as a straight guy. the thought of gay sex hurts my head. but the regret of past acts are insane.

    i wish i had gone away from home way early in life like when i was 12 or something.

    i pray for coronavirus to hit me. whenever i go to buy stuff, i dont wear a mask so the virus kills me. the shame of my sex acts are terrifying.

    my brother lives a great life. hes traveled the world. i cant let go of the what ifs...

    each morning i wake up with a new memory of abuse n it only enrages me. i pray the abuser n bullies get their share of karma...
     
  2. I hate it_I love it

    I hate it_I love it Fapstronaut

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    I can't say that I can relate to you but what I do know is that pmo made me a zombie. I lost interest in almost everything. But now I'm one day away from 30 days without pmo and it feels great. I feel like I can now see what is important for me and that I can accomplish more than I thought.
     
    recoome likes this.
  3. jerry5126

    jerry5126 Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you have PTSD from your childhood abuse. I'm so sorry this happened and I feel for you. Not sure if you have heard of/considered MDMA treatment, but if you haven't, I highly recommend you read this and watch the doco:

    https://tim.blog/2019/03/09/trip-of-compassion/
     
  4. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    i know a close person who was raped and abused, beaten and mistreated for years from parents too. caused PTSD and other mental issues. that person is now taking medicines for several years and getting better. without the medicines terrible feeling, probably what u are feeling. so get immediate therapy and hopefully medicines will help u. im not specialised in this topic so thats all i can say but i hope the best for u, and dont wish death on urself ever!
     
  5. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    I'm in therapy.
     
  6. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    its so strange, i was a gay porn addict all my teenage years. i wanted to have sex change when i was around 12 years old.
    but now after therapy i identify myself as a guy. straight guy. the thought of gay sex freaks out my mind now. all my school, high school n college life, i was bullied. had a submissive personality.
    it could've been way better had the abuse never happened.
     
  7. FellatiousD

    FellatiousD Temporarily Suspended
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    I don't know what I can possibly say, or maybe if I should say anything at all. I guess I will say thanks for sharing your story. Maybe it's not possible for you to be happy, and this is a lesson for us to consider each other's experiences. Either way I wish you well in life.
     
  8. cd013

    cd013 Fapstronaut

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    Build yourself up man.
     
  9. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    i made a shitty set of friends. there were red flags all along but i still continued the friendship cause i didnt want to be left alone. now i realize that if my friends are mocking others before me, it wouldnt take long for them to mock me before others.
    friendship that is built on making fun of others never last long.
    i saw the red flags but still ignored them...
     
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  10. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    I often think of going in some very wild region where there is no civilization and communication with the modern world. Just to think... about me and my life. Being in the system really crushes you and you don't have time to notice it since it happens so fast.
     
    Metis07 and recoome like this.
  11. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    wish someone had saved me at the right time... if only someone had walked in while it was happening...
     
  12. PopularLoner

    PopularLoner Fapstronaut

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    Take it easy man.
     
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  13. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    I saw the red flags. Knew they were a shitty set of friends, but out of fear of loneliness, I hung in with them.
     
  14. PopularLoner

    PopularLoner Fapstronaut

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    If you want to share it you can share it bro just let it out you'll feel better and it will make you focus more on working on it.
     
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  15. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    the friend would make fun of me a few times in public n immediately an hour after that he'd come n talk nicely to me as if trying to amuse me.
    he's talk of his life problems to me, then say 'dont say this to anyone,' n then in public again mock me before other friends.

    he'd talk like shit to others... n i knew i had to end the friendship but i had no one else, n it was very lonely... n then i felt like stockholm syndrome or what but i soon started acting like chained to him, like some beggar puppy who'd follow him around...

    now i look back i realize it was only manipulation from his end. i had seen him manipulate others (talk bad about his friends before others)

    he'd act like a child n emotionally manipulate others.

    i just didnt have the courage to stay away from him...

    when i was in depression, he said, 'dont involve me in this.'
    i listened to all his stupid rants about his college life n his parents n his brother... but when i complained, he said, 'that's life you never know what happens the next moment.'

    it was like he was waiting for me to fall in depression. n once i was crying, he slaps my head n walks away, knowing fully well i dont like physical jokes n i'm not in a position to retaliate.

    i regret the day i met him... wish someone had saved me...wish i had the courage to act when i saw the red flags... ugh...
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  16. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man cheer up.
    I know that I am not in your shoes (except for being bullied) and it’s a cliche, but it is true for everyone - accept yourself as you are nowadays and accept your past as it is (we can do nothing about it).
    Childhood sufferings can either make smb very sad, depressive, envious and angry person, either he will grow from them to become stronger, wiser, happier and open-hearted eventually (because of being bullied I did a lot of sports and I wish to never ‘pick on’ smb who is just weaker than me, for example), and i think the more smb suffered the more he will be different from mediocre in bad or good way, so you choose
     
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  17. MatthewPierce

    MatthewPierce Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry your going through this. I can relate to how you feel. Being raped really does screw with your mind.

    There are a lot of days I feel like a lonely walking corpse too.

    Please know, your not alone. The fact that you have the courage to speak up and reach out has more power than you think. Even though you’re reaching out to find comfort yourself, by doing so you give comfort to people like me. By reaching out you’ve help me not feel as alone. Thank you! And again I am sorry that you went through what you went through.
     
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  18. MatthewPierce

    MatthewPierce Fapstronaut

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    The only thing that gets me through the day to day is service. By finding a church to do service with I’ve been able to find moments of happiness. Charity really helps.
     
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  19. MatthewPierce

    MatthewPierce Fapstronaut

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    Don’t worry about what you should have done. You learned from that experience, and that’s all that matters.


     
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  20. MatthewPierce

    MatthewPierce Fapstronaut

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    I’m glad you are away from him now.
     
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