Feel Like Lot’s Wife

Hi there,
So I’m here again. I’m a mixture and depressed, fearful, angry, relieved and numb. Depressed that I keep doing this and how it makes me feel. Fearful of being discovered and losing opportunities in work, church, etc. Angry that my methods are only partially effective while seemingly consistent at failure. Relieved that I’m behind honest before others. Numb to the idea that this is something worth thinking about as it never seems to change.
I have always had issues and now feel like God is really let me feel awful about sin, even worse than in the past. There’s more at stake now, married, have a child, a job I DON’T want to quit, a church I DON’T want to lose, and a ministry I’m grateful to be a part of weekly. I have an accountability partner but he can’t do this work for me. I listen to good teachings between sessions at work but whenever I have a free moment, the temptation returns. Maybe doing M with some level of back door P (I mean pictures or whatever blockers don’t catch) about every other day. Just tired of this crap.
Thanks for reading.