Feel like my life ended in 2010.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by mark andrews, Jun 16, 2020.

  1. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    Hullo people.... its been a while since i logged in. But today feels like the day i should detail my struggles. Just to see if we share stories with some of you and we help each other.

    I have struggled with sexual perversion since 2010... and i call it perversion coz thats what it is. I remember a time in school when some guys were fighting over a picture in class.... and i just wanted to see, so i joined in. and guess what it was, a girl in a bikini.
    We was found out and our strict teacher in my christian school equated it to pronography. I was just a new student at the school and was already staring at suspension or expulsion.

    We were brought out infront of the whole class and shamed because of what the teacher called porn. All the girl friends i had made at school started looking at me weirdly and i felt alone. A perv. The girl i used to discuss in class with started distancing herself and i started to feel like it was done. I spent most of my time at the school pitch, staring in silence at the trees.

    I had a troubled upbringing... no mother to pump confidence in me and my step mother to always to remind me how terrible i was at everything. My dad just thought i'd miraculously become a man. That never happens... That was my 2010.
    To comfort myself, i looked for something like all troubled do and i decided to actually look at porn.... Since that day i feel like i died. Nothing was the same.

    I distanced myself from people... became a lone ranger and would pleasure myself, relieve myself of stress by pmo.
    Whats weird with this shit is it kills you.
    I'm 24 now and i dont have any memories that are good.... Its just filth, naked women and alot of pain because of the time i wasted to make connections with other girls.
    I didnt realise it till recently that girls had become like a mirage to me.... they were there but i gave no time, no attention amd they'd always leave. And then I'd run back to porn and masturbation. I didnt make connections with girls but then I'd go and masturbate thinking about them, then feel terrible the next day, very shy, no talking.

    2020 now and i ask myself some questions

    1)Av bred very bad habits over all these years, can i beat them?

    2) i dont have any girlfriends, girls dont like me and i have alot of shame and anxiety when i see a pretty girl at my work place, but i cant talk to her because i know i have PIED and the shame would kill me if she knew. Can i ever get laid after all these years?

    3)I realise i have problems that stem from way back, non supporting parents which brought sort of a self hate and inferiority to me, the shameful encounters i have had in my life, loneliness etc. all which probably lead to porn....
    How can i get over my shameful past to move on into new possibilities??? How do i even do it??

    4) I have never had a successful relationship. All the girls i love always leave and one day a friend told me that am a NICE guy.... One girl even once told me that I'm very NICE and the girl i get will be very lucky... after that she cut herself out of the picture of a relationship and av been crying over her since...
    I have even gained an anxiety that i have started become desperate about being in a relationship. I chase alot of girls and they say NO, i then feel terrible, unwanted, turn to porn... and then after that terrible combination(PMO), feel like hanging myself...
    What can i do?????
    Should i quit chasing girls????
    Should i give it time??
    Or should i settle for this dreadful place.

    It hurts so much, i see a cute girl but all i think about is how terrible i am, small dick, no muscles, very thin, and then i feel like killing myself when i see girls i recently chased with other guys....

    5)Time is ticking.... it was eye opening to find nofap.... it helped at first... i once had a streak of 31days and my life was heaven
    I was strong, my voice was wow, i got attention from girls at the library at Universitu and my decision making was flawless.... that was 2016....
    since then i have struggled through streaks of 7-14 days, and then i go back to porn... and masturbate myself till my dick pains to extent of wounds and i cant even do anymore.
    Its terrible, its like the more porn you watch, the more you want to masturbate or orgasm and i have killed my dick so bad i dont know if i can recover from PIED.
    Are these addictions beatable ????

    6)How do i overcome the emotional wounds of my terrible past. Bad step mom, a dad that never believed in me and let me out to the world to learn on my own, about sex and which route to take.
    I have done very well in all aspects of life, but i struggle with sex and relationships that i have resorted to PMO.
    How do i move on after all this emotional pain.

    Help guys, advise me. Some friends i once had started calling me gay coz of my struggles in relationships and maybe thats whats causing my bad anxiety to get a girlfriend yet all i get just use me coz am NICE and then go....

    I sometimes feel like a kid deep down thats always hurting and wants to be set free.... but i cant...
    Please advise.

    Feel like I'm cursed since 2010 and may never recover from what i started.



    Thanks guys
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
  2. Indurian

    Indurian Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    It's a cliche but I'm sure the right girl will come along at the right time. Maybe try working on yourself in a few areas first?

    If you have done well in other areas o life then build on that. If you can succeed in these areas then you can succeed in others. For example, if you are skinny then work out.

    I've found commonalities with virtually all nofap members.
    They (myself included) report PIED , anhedonia, anxiety, anger issues, depression, lack of confidence etc etc. Give up porn and your various issues will undoubtedly improve.

    How to do it? The following are commonalities in success stories found on nofap:
    Meditation
    Prayer
    Healthy eating. In particular I have to avoid junk food
    Giving up ogling /lust
    Reading as much as possible about porn addiction, including all the best books
    Cold showers
    Working out
    Give up social media, or at least mindlessly flicking through it
    Minimise or give up alcohol. Hangover often leads to relapse

    There are many more but these are what has helped me most.

    Best of luck my friend
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2020
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  3. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man.... i have realised i have a terrible problem and i hope i can beat it before i get to the age of 25..... I just donr want my life to be the same, a continuous downward spiral...
     
  4. But from what you say, you're a good guy at heart. The only thing that drags you down is your addiction.

    I usually give typical pieces of advice that simply help getting over an addiction, but this time I feel like the first step for you, a step that would really help you get of this addiction, would be to make an appointment with a psychologist.
    In my opinion, you can beat that addiction by doing everything that NoFap offer and more, but your past might be one of the reasons that keep bringing you back to PMO. Do you have a possibility to meet someone?

    I don't know anything about your faith, but another possibility (if you're a Christian) is to find a priest who could become your spiritual tutor (I don't know what you call it in English). He would also probably advise an appointment, but having one really helps.

    It's hard to trust somebody at first, and you might find a psychologist that won't specialise in your problems, but it's worth taking that step. I really believe so.
     
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  5. JasonMamoa

    JasonMamoa Fapstronaut

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    Seems like you have too many problems and issues, which makes it really complex. So what do you do to solve complex problems? You simplify it by breaking it into smaller parts. Focus on one thing at a time.Nothing else. No running after relationships etc. Like for a year now I will focus on my PMO addiction. I will educate myself on it and that's my only priority. Meanwhile try to get in shape. Develop coping skills to counter this addiction.
    You try to change too many things in life and end up doing nothing. I hope you get my point.
     
  6. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    i have tried opening up to someone at church... but guess they weren't mature with what i told them. After sometime people started looking at me weirdly and i felt so ashamed i had even said something to someone.... but i get ur point... talking to someone helps... But guess I'll have to figure it out on my own. thanks for the advice
     
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  7. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    i think am up for quitting relationships for sometime. Everytime a girl rejects me, i get into a bad zone and just relapse. I want to try to go for the whole of this year withoyt trying a relationship with a girl. Hopefully i can work on myself like you advise to become a better man.

    Exercise more, read more about my issues and other things that can make me a better man. and most of all pray.....
     
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  8. Okay, so the Church isn't the best option (at least not for now), but you can still try a psychologist.

    About relationships: I agree, having a girlfriend would be wrong for now. Take some time to find what exactly you want to change about your life, and then take some challenge (90 days no PMO?). Like I said, you seem like a decent guy, but you had a really harsh time mixed with addiction. You can really change it for the better.
     
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  9. melville

    melville Fapstronaut

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    Nietzsche had a phrase "amor fati" which translates to "love your faith"

    I do not mean to sound cynic or cold. Trust me, I've gone through despair. Two years ago I fell on my bicycle and injured my arm forever. I thought that I would never be able to get girls. Then I learned about Nietzsche's phrase and I began to look at my mistakes as if they were necessary for me to learn and act wiser going forward. I recommend you do the same thing. Be honest with yourself. You say that you felt great when you lasted for 31 days. Use this experience to motivate yourself into the becoming the person you know you possibly can be.
     
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  10. JohnPaulGeorgeRingo

    JohnPaulGeorgeRingo Fapstronaut

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    Echoing what everyone else here is saying - I would say set up some goals for areas that you’d like to improve your life in. Exercise, a hobby that aligns with your interests, meditation. Invest in yourself and start small. I believe that you can transform your life for the better.

    But you need to make a plan for your life.

    Write down what you want and break it down into actions (However small) that you can take to start towards those things. I’d say look up Jordan Peterson on YouTube if you haven’t seen any of his videos before. I’ve found them to be really useful.
     
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  11. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Temporarily Suspended

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    If I could summarize the effects of pmo in 1 short paragraph, I would take yours
     
  12. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Temporarily Suspended

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    yes. (I can guarantee almost) all of your problems are from pmo. Some of them are from childhood of course and from other things. But the main problems: the social anxiety, feeling weird, abnormal- its all a haze from pmo. I can confirm because i was like that myself. I am out of it now, thankfully. I was just want to give you hope. If you were to quit pmo entirely for 2-3 years, you would become a new man. What you felt on those 31 days of "heaven" was just a taste. That glimpse shows you just how much change is possible:)

    You mentioned prayer. I recommend you look up "My Chains Are Gone" to give you a new mindset about porn. Note that it is NOT saying actively seek it out. But if you come across some triggers by accident, you will know how to react. The truth is we have been conditioned in certain ways. We have been polluted from external and outside influences for sure. But where does the pollution really come from. Is it external sources... or could it be from within, from the heart? If you have questions in the future about it, PM me! It's not the ultimate solution. But its a step.

    What I have found is that in order to break free from pmo, you have to have a series of revelations. It isn't just one thing. For example, it isn't just "avoid all triggers" or "meditate and exercise" or "try this new technique". It's likely going to be a whole combination of different things

    Well actually, Jesus can set you free without all of these man made efforts, which require herculean willpower and discipline. But just first start off with this

    The website is http://mychainsaregone.org/the-chain/the-chain/
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2020
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  13. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    Thanks.... alot. Going to surely try it out....(the link). PMO has caused me to question whybi even have faith in God and this struggle... always knowing i can fall again anytime soon makes me feel like i am so lost to God. But am hoping to do better.. I recognise i also carry around alot of shame because of my previous failings at Relationships and sometimes i feel like i use porn to punish myself...

    I am currently taking small steps, to forgive myself and also acknowledge that i cant change my terrible past, but that i can create a better life moving in the right directions. even if the steps are small.

    Thanks brothers
     
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  14. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Hey brother, I just want to say this to encourage you. I hope it doesn't feel judgmental.

    Jesus loves you, and it has nothing to do with your performance. He doesn't love you more if you looked at pornography 2 years ago or if you looked at it 2 minutes ago. That's the very reason Jesus came so that we don't have to take that shame or that guilt, "Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

    Just draw near to the throne of grace. Not a throne of judgment, not a throne of anger, a throne of grace filled with mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. When we feel ashamed and feel like giving up hope. Draw near to that throne of grace. He understands. He sympathizes with us. He knows how easy it is to fall. He truly understands because he's been tempted with the same temptations. If we could save ourselves, Jesus would never have come and we would be judged on our merit. But he knows and we know that we will never be good enough and so that's why we depend on his righteousness and trust that his righteousness is enough.

    It's not about trying harder. It's about surrender. I love how Nate Larkin says it, "Because of my addiction I now understand that only God is the center of things. He's actually used my addiction for good. Because of it I've been forced to join the human race and surrender to a power greater than myself. God is good. God is love. And if I'll follow the path that he's laid out for me I can live every day in the warmth of his love. And I can reflect it to others. I don't think I ever really met Jesus until I stepped out of my church persona and became just another desperate broken man. That's when he really became real to me." He has a really good series called Walking Lessons - https://natelarkin.podbean.com/
     
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  15. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Temporarily Suspended

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    I understand bro. You have to remember that God loves you despite the relapses though. I know its hard to internalize that. If you are struggling in your faith, I highly recommend the book "Holiness By Grace". That book completely opened my eyes, and actually the understanding I gained from the first two chapters alone freed me from PMO.

    Remember Jesus said "To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”" (John 8:31-32)

    What keeps us bound? Lies. What will set us free? Truth
     
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  16. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Temporarily Suspended

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    This is 100% correct. Truly believing this in my heart is part of what freed me. It doesn't have anything to do with your performance. Jesus won't love me any more or less if I were to go 1000 days of nofap vs if I relapse 2 min ago. But this is a very tough concept to internalize. But having faith that Jesus still loves you even when you do relapse is vital!

    Yes, this word "surrender". It was hard for me to understand at first. Someone who was at over 2000 days of nofap told me that was the key that set him free. I didn't understand how that would help. How it helps is the following, and forgive me for sort of a long winded explanation, but hopefully this will help give you more understanding...

    We are all broken men, and we are redeemed when we trust completely in what Jesus has already done for us. We must fully admit that we can't save ourselves, no matter how hard we try. Our works, even our best works, cannot merit your salvation. They cannot earn you anything before God. You cannot use your goodness to barter with God. Why? Because our goodness is nowhere near the standard of God: perfection, sinless. We have already fallen short. Our righteous is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6) before God.

    Like you said @mark andrews, we can go 90 days or 200 days, but then we might fall again right?

    Part of what frees you is realizing that the burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Even if you do fall, that relapse has no power to condemn you. Because when you trust in Jesus, when you trust that his blood on the cross, is sufficient to make you right in the eyes of God, then even if you fall short (which you will), God doesn't see you in light of your shortcomings. He actually sees you the way he sees Jesus: perfectly righteous, spotless, white as snow, clean, and in right standing before Him.


    You see, we are either under the law or under grace. One or the other. You can't be under both. If you are striving in your human effort to save yourself, then you are under the law. And being under the law is a death sentence, because whoever is under the law is judged by the law. But you have already broken the law, so the law can only condemn you. By striving in human effort to attain some sort of righteousness so that God will be pleased with you puts you under the law because you are trying to save yourself, but you cannot save yourself. You are a slave to sin. However, when you trust and have faith that Jesus's work on the cross has already covered your sins , then you are now under grace. Under grace because there is nothing you can do to earn your salvation, but Jesus has already done the work for you, and all you have to do is trust that what Jesus did was enough

    You don't have to carry all that weight. In fact, when you believe in Jesus, the law has no more power to condemn you, because you are under grace. Romans 6:14 says "For sin shall not have dominion over you (shall not control you) because you are no longer under the law but under grace".

    Now I am sorry for the long explanation, but I think understanding it is radically important not only in being free from pmo, but in the way that you see God. Remember that God is perfectly just, merciful, holy... but don't forget that

    God is love (1 john 4:8)
     
  17. StonePlacidity

    StonePlacidity Fapstronaut

    I would suggest having faith in yourself. Remember, you're also your own god! Praying everyday saying you won't PMO but still do it when you get urges is not the correct way bro. Gotta make the right decisions and FIGHT TILL THE END!

    Why do I feel like I'm a hypocrite? I am always trying to motivate other ppl yet I cannot pull up a good fight with my own demon :confused:
     
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  18. JoshuaGraham

    JoshuaGraham Temporarily Suspended

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    What I would tell you to do is forget about everything that ever happened to you and pretend that your life has begun today. Then take it from here.
     
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  19. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    i had found this website at 24 n i also had similar posts. what helped me is therapy more than nopmo. it'd be very helpful if you can visit a therapist and seek some closure for the emotional wounds else you'd be bleeding for many more years. i waited 5 years before convincing myself i needed therapy.

    internet helps, advice, ted talks can only help you so much... therapy and staying away from home helped me a lot...

    it'd great to be a nice guy. sincerity and politeness are underrated traits.
     
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  20. mark andrews

    mark andrews Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys, all of you
     

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