Feel like my life ended in 2010.

Deleted Account · Jun 27, 2020

mark andrews said: ↑

Hullo people.... its been a while since i logged in. But today feels like the day i should detail my struggles. Just to see if we share stories with some of you and we help each other.

I have struggled with sexual perversion since 2010... and i call it perversion coz thats what it is. I remember a time in school when some guys were fighting over a picture in class.... and i just wanted to see, so i joined in. and guess what it was, a girl in a bikini.
We was found out and our strict teacher in my christian school equated it to pronography. I was just a new student at the school and was already staring at suspension or expulsion.

We were brought out infront of the whole class and shamed because of what the teacher called porn. All the girl friends i had made at school started looking at me weirdly and i felt alone. A perv. The girl i used to discuss in class with started distancing herself and i started to feel like it was done. I spent most of my time at the school pitch, staring in silence at the trees.

I had a troubled upbringing... no mother to pump confidence in me and my step mother to always to remind me how terrible i was at everything. My dad just thought i'd miraculously become a man. That never happens... That was my 2010.
To comfort myself, i looked for something like all troubled do and i decided to actually look at porn.... Since that day i feel like i died. Nothing was the same.

I distanced myself from people... became a lone ranger and would pleasure myself, relieve myself of stress by pmo.
Whats weird with this shit is it kills you.
I'm 24 now and i dont have any memories that are good.... Its just filth, naked women and alot of pain because of the time i wasted to make connections with other girls.
I didnt realise it till recently that girls had become like a mirage to me.... they were there but i gave no time, no attention amd they'd always leave. And then I'd run back to porn and masturbation. I didnt make connections with girls but then I'd go and masturbate thinking about them, then feel terrible the next day, very shy, no talking.

2020 now and i ask myself some questions

1)Av bred very bad habits over all these years, can i beat them?

2) i dont have any girlfriends, girls dont like me and i have alot of shame and anxiety when i see a pretty girl at my work place, but i cant talk to her because i know i have PIED and the shame would kill me if she knew. Can i ever get laid after all these years?

3)I realise i have problems that stem from way back, non supporting parents which brought sort of a self hate and inferiority to me, the shameful encounters i have had in my life, loneliness etc. all which probably lead to porn....
How can i get over my shameful past to move on into new possibilities??? How do i even do it??

4) I have never had a successful relationship. All the girls i love always leave and one day a friend told me that am a NICE guy.... One girl even once told me that I'm very NICE and the girl i get will be very lucky... after that she cut herself out of the picture of a relationship and av been crying over her since...
I have even gained an anxiety that i have started become desperate about being in a relationship. I chase alot of girls and they say NO, i then feel terrible, unwanted, turn to porn... and then after that terrible combination(PMO), feel like hanging myself...
What can i do?????
Should i quit chasing girls????
Should i give it time??
Or should i settle for this dreadful place.

It hurts so much, i see a cute girl but all i think about is how terrible i am, small dick, no muscles, very thin, and then i feel like killing myself when i see girls i recently chased with other guys....

5)Time is ticking.... it was eye opening to find nofap.... it helped at first... i once had a streak of 31days and my life was heaven
I was strong, my voice was wow, i got attention from girls at the library at Universitu and my decision making was flawless.... that was 2016....
since then i have struggled through streaks of 7-14 days, and then i go back to porn... and masturbate myself till my dick pains to extent of wounds and i cant even do anymore.
Its terrible, its like the more porn you watch, the more you want to masturbate or orgasm and i have killed my dick so bad i dont know if i can recover from PIED.
Are these addictions beatable ????

6)How do i overcome the emotional wounds of my terrible past. Bad step mom, a dad that never believed in me and let me out to the world to learn on my own, about sex and which route to take.
I have done very well in all aspects of life, but i struggle with sex and relationships that i have resorted to PMO.
How do i move on after all this emotional pain.

Help guys, advise me. Some friends i once had started calling me gay coz of my struggles in relationships and maybe thats whats causing my bad anxiety to get a girlfriend yet all i get just use me coz am NICE and then go....

I sometimes feel like a kid deep down thats always hurting and wants to be set free.... but i cant...
Please advise.

Feel like I'm cursed since 2010 and may never recover from what i started.

I can relate to some of what you've written, and when you're in a place of such acute pain and suffering, it feels like your life is going to be over before it even gets started, but that's not true.

It will take a lot of time and struggle to get out of where you are, but it is possible, and once you make it into the light of day, it'll be more and more like the darkness never happened.

Make haste slowly. Try to control the despair. Focus on the next small step and take it, and let the future look after itself. It's not true that you don't have time. Peace and happiness are peace and happiness, whether you find them at 25 or 52. I haven't found love yet either, but day by day my faith that love is possible for me is growing. I hope you find the same thing.

And never, ever give up, no matter how long things take, or how desperate they seem!
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Feel like my life ended in 2010.

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