Hello everyone It's kind of a long story but I felt that I need to share it. I am 20 years old, heavily interested in Martial Arts and at a changing point in my life. I broke up my apprenticeship 2 years ago because I wanted to live my dream. I started developing an App, not caring whether it would be successfull or not but if it would've been I would've used it to train MMA in a really professional way so I could live my dream of stepping into the cage. I've been doing kickboxing for some years and I started training MMA some months before I broke up the apprenticeship. I've let myself go and did a lot of things that were not healthy for me. I smoked and sold a lot of weed, did some burglaries and other stuff. All these things were terribly wrong and I knew it but I just did things like that to forget other stuff that happened in my life. My Father was very abusive towards my whole family and always told me that I was a piece of shit and would end up on the street. Maybe I thought this was true and because of that I did all these things that confirmed his words. I don't blame him though. I decided to do all of this so it was my mistake. I started training again more recently some months ago and I decided to walk away from almost all the friends I had. Don't want to live like that anymore and these people were not really my friends. Now I'm training every day for multiple hours and even if my body feels a bit fucked it feels great. I know this is more for introverts and I think I'm more of an extrovert (Actually I'm somewhere in between) but I actually don't know where to post this and I like introverts more because most of the time they can relate to certain emotions more than extroverts. So to get to the point: I'm feeling alone. I kinde feel alone since years. Even when I'm with "Friends" or family i feel alone. I think the reason is the simple fact that these people think completely different and I'm not surrounded by a single person that things the way I do. So one day (almost a year ago) a Dude I know (Actually like the guy but for some reason never spend time with him) talks about his girl which I actually tried to get to be together with my in first grade and says she would love me. He talked about trying to get us to see each other and stuff but it never happened. So one day out of curiosity i look up her Instagram and the quotes she posted kinda described a lot of things that went (and still go) through my head. I felt like she would be a person that could understand me and since then I often stalk her. I tried to get her out of my head but it's just not working. I saw her like three times. The first time she looked at me and she might have realized I was the boy that proposed to her in first grade and she smiled. After that I actually looked up her Instagram for the first time. One time (the last time) I made eye contact and she did too but in a strange way. She looked at me the way a mother looks at her child when she's disapponted. It was some months ago and I was smoking tons a weed and doing all kinds of wrong things. I couldn't talk to her. I was too anxious. And I tend to fuck up every time I am really interested in a girl. But here comes the question: Do I only think I really "like" her? I don't know her. The first and last time I talked to her was in first grade. I only saw these quotes she posted and thought: "Wow, she's the person I could have these deep conversations about emotions, life and all the other stuff with." And the fact that she's pretty must've done a lot of things in my mind too. So I'm constantly asking myself if I'm just desperate and lonely and just looking for one single person that cares. I can be honest to myself but is it like that? One side of me says it's only because of that but then there's another side that tells me that I should follow my gut instinct. I also often think that I'm not good enough. She's a really smart girl and she will join a university pretty soon (at least I think so, she has all the qualifications). She's also from a really good family. And then there's me, I don't have any education, no job, no money. I only have my dreams that keep me going everyday. I hit rockbottom and I'm building myself up. I think it's a good thing on one side but I also think that she wouldn't accept someone like me as her boyfriend. I would like to talk to her and I wouldn't even care if she wouldn't accept me because if she doesn't there's no reason for me to be with her anymore. I'm an optimist and I have crazy will. I usually don't stop until I get where I want to be and I know that one day everything will be alright. Also I often think that I might subconsciously believe that she could give me something I don't have. Real Love for example. I'm always kinda imagining how I would get her in the gym, she would start to train with me and then we would be on this journey together because she would fall in love with the sport (and me of course). Haha! I know it's crazy but it don't care. Maybe I'll see her again since both of us live in the same small town in Switzerland but I just want to know what you guys think. Am I just thinking like that because I'm actually alone? I'm a virgin btw. Don't know if this is important.