Recently, I experienced my first episode of what I was told was dissociation. It came after seeing a guy I had gone on one date with and ended up giving me all sorts of mixed signals for over a month, to which I had finally pulled the plug and blocked him. Seeing him had brought up a lot of pain because I felt used and lied to still after two months of not interacting with him. I still have a lot of healing to do in that regard, but that can be a post for another time. All of that being said, I finally have reached the point where I am no longer interested in real romantic relationships because of the fear of getting hurt. Here is how it now seems to play a role in my journey to recovery. I had been doing well with P for a while earlier in the summer. My fetishes were finally under control to a degree that was more manageable. However, I started making a bunch of excuses to continue relapsing because "things were under control" and so I continued on watching P. Then, after my interactions with this guy and several weeks of painful nights, the apathy started kicking in with full force. The relapses became more frequent to several times per day when it was one or two before. Then the worst happened and my fetishes came back and so I had to take some measures. I deleted my reddit account, I re-installed some free P blocking software, and I started to pray more. That was all fine, but the apathy was still there. Today I had another relapse that shook me awake. I was reminded of the importance of building and maintaining relationships during the recovery period. Hopefully, while I rebuild neglected friendships and take care of current relations I can heal. I think a lot of my energy was wasted on things that weren't important, so I just kind of said F it and threw away all of my self-care methods. I hope that I can start healing soon. I realize this was all a mind dump so it isn't very coherent but if someone can make out my chicken scratch and relate, let me know what you did to recover emotionally.