Feeling at Home: Progress Report

Writing this to share some of the positives that have occurred throughout my journey so far, albeit almost a month, I have made large strides in understanding myself and finding meaning in my own life.

Here is an entry in my journal from a few days ago, minus some personal details:

At the moment, despite where I’ve been, regrets or mistakes, future idealization, or more grandiose ambitions, I feel very at home with who I am now, and what I’ve chosen to do with my time.

Home Life:
I’m at home with uncertainty; my self consciousness is peaking and averaging much less. Home life, and career struggles have taken their toll on my mother and her ability to focus, but never before have we spent so much time together - and that to me is very precious. We don’t fight like we have, I’m not bitter as I was - we notice and work through our feelings together. We walk the dog at least once a week, we run errands, and make plans for the future - we’ve established progression.

Self Growth:
I’m at home with humility - learning many skills is time consuming, but worthwhile. Through application I’ve learned I’m not skilled, but through the process I’ve grown, understand new likings, and have accepted failure, mistakes, and setbacks. So regardless whether this house of ours will stay in our possession, we have taken shelter in our work, in which soothes us all. This is because my expectations and blame, although present at times, have lowered exceptionally, and so work is not taxing, fluid, and not boring or anxious.

Balancing Youth and Adulthood:
I’m at home with sobriety - in many ways I’ve connected with my childlike self again. In being an adult, I’ve learned what I’d like to hold onto and to maintain throughout my life. So I do not grow too old, I must also maintain the pursuit of new skills, and rebirth from time to time ones I have let go, or at least be open to experience them as they arise, if they do not detract from my health or well-being, or from those that I have chosen to keep.

Recollection of the Self:
I remembered my supreme joy of climbing walls, poles, trees, and other obstacles. I remembered the brief sailboat ride at camp, and I want to know what it might take to make one myself. I remembered my love for microscopy, thanks to my grandfathers gift to me. I remembered my love for flight simulation, my birthday party where I learned and saw real planes, and loved nothing more than flipping around shooting at enemies. I reminisce of my nature walks, swinging from trees into a lake, and my love for exploration.

Clarity and Optimism:
On a grand scale, sobriety has helped me be deliberate and diligent with my time, while allowing me to explore, seek, and find time for my self care and help my family in a respectful manner. It has allowed me to see and sow for my future self, relationships, activities, all the while seeing past pain, despair, and the pressure of the world as it is today.