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Feeling bad after sex/blowjob

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 2+2is4, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. 2+2is4

    2+2is4 Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I had last weekend sex with my girlfriend and this weekend I got a blowjob by her. The problem is that I feel worse after it. In both cases I was waiting for it for days, was horny as fuck and could not wait any longer to see her. But after it it's like I lost confidence and energy.

    I saw a few threads to this problem but I couldn't find any solution for me. Maybe someone who had or has the same problem can help me with his experience. I think I should go for hard mode but I don't know if it's better then after a period of time of hard mode...

    After the BJ today (and an dispute with her after it) I relapsed btw like 30 minutes ago... And it's such a big contrast to yesterday for example where I was horny as fuck but so motivated to stay over it and not to fap...one day later it was all over, I couldn't expect that yesterday...

    Thanks for reading
     
  2. That happened to me too last week - horny as hell for a day but kept clean in sweet anticipation of the sex at night. Didn't get it, felt rejected by her, and because of the rejection ended up jerking off. What did you feel after your argument? The pain makes me look for soothing in the PMO.
     
  3. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you may have had unfulfilling sex, and used your gf as means to Your end. I would feel like sh*! too if I treated her that way. I think the problem is the hours/days of horny anticipation leading up to sex. We tend to fantasize and create uncontrollable expectations in an effort to self medicate. Using a spouse, gf, prosititute whatever for our pleasure only is degrading and unfulfilling no different than had we used porn.
    As sad as it is we have all been there brother. Today is a new day, pick up the pieces, repair what you can, and start anew. Maybe next time try not to manipulate her for your desires, and see how you can best fullfil hers. Good luck man.
     
  4. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

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    This is still happening to me to some degree..

    Often when I wake up in the morning I feel sexually energized and have had a few instances during my reboot where my wife and I got physical in the morning. In the moment, it was everything I wanted. Immediately afterwards, it felt like a "sex crazed hood" was ripped off and I was left with sadness, guilt, depression and an overall loss of self worth. It was really tough to start a day like that.

    My solution was predicated on having a good communication base with my wife. I chose to be honest with her, to explain how even though I really wanted it in the moment, the unfulfilling orgasm left me worse off in the end. After repeating this failure a couple of times, I realized that sex was only going to be good before, during and after if it meant something more than a pleasure seeking O.

    Don't give up on your journey or yourself; it does get (slightly) easier with everyday!
     
    Reverent likes this.
  5. 2+2is4

    2+2is4 Fapstronaut

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    I don't know, I was sad and angry because of the argument and I think and feel in situations like this: fuck off, I don't care about anything now! I'm a really self destructing person who hurts himself in situations when I'm sad or when I feel disappointed by a person... I don't hurt myself physically but mentally every time again.

    Yes maybe I used her to end my urge. But should I just wait now until the moment she starts to begin the sexual action or how should I manage it that it doesn't feel like I used her for my own goals. Yesterday for example I just started to kiss and touch her but the final sexual part start by her then.

    And I don't know but I'm pretty sure that I got sad etc by the orgasm itself not by the fact that I "used" her. Actually I didnt used her, I was just waiting for the weekend because I knew I can have it there. I don't know

    So you just have this sadness after you "used" your wife to satisfy your urge? In other moments when it's more like that you don't feel bad?

    I'm honest, I just had sex in my whole life before to satisfy my urge.. my gf is the most Important person in my life, we are 6 years in a relationship but I never had sex for another reason than stop the urge :eek:

    It feels like I will have this feeling of sadness every time after having sex with her now
     
  6. topjobm8two

    topjobm8two Fapstronaut

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    Hey, are you saying it is bad to be horny for your partner when trying to get over porn addiction? Serious question. My longest streak was 30 days and I know this will be be an issue for me as I try again. However I never felt bad afterwards, I felt good and connected. I know she will reject me at times so I need to find a way around that too.
     
  7. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    This sounds a lot like The Chaser Effect to me. It's usually recommended that during the reboot, even when you're in a relationship, you abstain from O from all sources. This can be incredibly hard, of course, especially when you've been very active with your partner. I would look into some of the threads talking about this or perhaps google it for a better understanding.
     
    Healed! and SanityOverVanity like this.
  8. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

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    Yes.... and no...

    The more meaningful the sex (and by meaningful I mean where both of us are 100% present in the moment and interested in being physical) the easier the next few days are. For example, as my counter shows I'm on day 175 w/o P & M. On day 173 I was on a NO PMO (hard mode) streak of 17 days and was intimate with my wife. It was meaningful and enjoyable. I probably felt the best I have after O during this whole experience. However, the sadness/self doubt/inner critic in me was still there. It saw my moment of depletion as an opportunity to take back control and day 174 was a challenging battle against it. I had strong experiences of Brain Fog that snowballed into misconceptions of Murphy's Law and a general sense of bad luck about life, which in turn became sadness and overall hopelessness.

    I've shared this video link in other posts that revolve around challenging our negative automatic thoughts. It has really helped me a ton and I think you'd benefit from watching it as well:


    If you avoid binges (multiple O's in quick succession) and really commit to giving up M it does get easier to challenge any negative thoughts like depression, anxiety and self doubt that might pop up immediately or in the days following sex with your SO. Remember your brain has a certain sense of "shame around O" hardwired into your subconscious. You've been reinforcing it your entire life by getting off to porn and/or obsessively masturbating. Changing your mental map is going to take time. Just keep making progress and know that there are rewards for continued commitment!
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2017
    2+2is4 likes this.
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The chaser effect is common for many men on here. I found with my ex addict, what he did was shift his masturbation to me. That made the sex horrible for the female and the man struggling with why he still felt the way he does. You have to be careful to not just change from masturbating to PMO to masturbating to your partner. What I read here shows me that sex this time for you was all about your own personal release as you had gone so long without it. But sex is about intimacy which involves two people and a connection. Stopping PMO is one thing, but stopping the mindset that comes along with PMO is a lot harder and takes a lot of time, and often counseling. It may help to tell yourself that you PMOing is nothing like sex and you are having sex how it is supposed to be now. Your body does not know how to have sex in this way. It takes time. In my situation while my ex was PMOing, he was actually a much more attentive lover. He was totally removed from the experience, and when he MOed (only way he could O) it was like I was not i the room at all. When he stopped the PMO he was able to O with me, but sex became all about him and his pleasure. He never even attempted to pleasure me and would always want to finish with me giving a bj or using my hand, never from PV. And that never changed, no matter how many times i asked him. He was using me to replace PMO. One suggestion is that maybe you need to do a total reboot for 90 days? Some men do need that. Or when you do have sex, only allow yourself to O from intercourse. If you do not, stop and try again another day?
     
  10. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    @GG2002 This is the way I have behaved and it is shameful. Now trying to be celibate in marriage until if and when a situation arises where we can give ourselves to each other 100%
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I know it’s hard but try to cut yourself some slack with the shame. Shame fuels secrecy and self blame which fuels addictions. Forgive yourself and do better going forward.
     
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  12. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    I have been very secretive and trying to cut that out now
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  13. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    @Zyn that has helped me a lot. Waiting for sex is difficult. My AP has talked about patience a lot. I know I have to slow down.
     
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