Feeling demasculinized, depressed, dead.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Deleted Account, Jul 10, 2021.

  1. Hey all,

    Something happened recently that has really affected my life, brought me into a downward spiral. In short, I've had a porn addiction since I was about 12-13 years old (19 now). Of course, after this prolonged exposure to porn, it naturally escalated to more taboo and intense content, an example would be trans porn. Besides my porn addiction, I've developed a bad habit of meeting girls online with dating sites just to do freaky shit/trade pics with (insecurity about my dick size, compliments reinforced a positive belief). This has also been going on for quite a while. Neither of these have left me ever feeling satisfied with myself. On top of all that, I've never had sex; another factor in my low self-esteem.

    But anyways on that note, I will explain what started this downward spiral. I ended up meeting this trans girl on a dating site and we got to trading pics and dirty talk. After a little while, it seemed that she fell asleep so I ended up having to finally bust. Let me tell you, after that moment, everything went to shit. It was (not in a funny way) the worst post-nut clarity I've ever experienced.

    I could barely sleep realizing the mistake I'd made. All my internal problems came back to me in that moment. It was this threshold that I had crossed that would take me downhill. I started to feel extremely demasculinized. Very intense HOCD. I started to feel extremely ashamed. I got bouts of depersonalization. My depression got very intense, and has been since. My anxiety is through the roof. My confidence and self-esteem are non existent. All these feelings are still present within me now. I need help.

    Disclaimer:
    1.) I am romantically and sexually attracted to cisgender women
    2.) I was only sexually attracted to trans women sometimes. It was always on pornography though.
    3.) I am not attracted at all to men or masculinity.

    But even though these are logical statements, they are irrelevant with the HOCD.

    I don't know what to do. This whole issue made me realize how bad my porn addiction was. How bad my sexual habits were. How bad my relationship life is. How bad my mental health is (it's been pretty eh for a few years anyways). I feel absolutely horrible, a low-life. I've been trying to keep on keepin' on but it only lasts so long...I need to resolve things. I've been dealing with depression for about 4 years now. I think I have ideas of what may have originally caused it, and of course I never worked on those issues early on. I wish I did.

    I'm coming here to ask for help. This issue is so personal...I feel like I could only talk about it anonymously. Being a man, it's also difficult talking about issues with anyone else. I've suppressed so much over the years and after I traded pics with that trans girl, the floodgates opened.

    I was doing so well before all this. Porn use was down, was going to the gym, eating healthy, developing better social skills, etc. It's sad to say, but what happened was the best thing and worse thing to happen to me. But now at this point, it's just dealing with the repercussions.

    I just need advice. Support. I don't know how many other men are going through a similar situation, but from things I've read before, it's common. I don't need some cringy, "alpha" guy to just tell me to "go back to the gym, eat veggies, get into stoicism...blah", I would appreciate some straight forward support, maybe even some similar stories.

    Please, if you need to know anything more, ask. If I could fit it all into this one post I'd be here all day.

    Thank you.
     
    Garou99 likes this.
  2. I feel the same. I got into much worse types of porn than trans and the shame and guilt afterwards were so unbearable. I never experimented with trans women or men in reality because I know I'll feel extremely bad and I don't want to go to the same path I took a few months back. You did it, but maybe it's still a good side of it. You seen that porn is not the same as reality and many things we are attracted to in porn might not even do a single thing in reality. I think you have the same continuous questioning in your head as me that doesn't let you live your happiest moments.

    As for advice, I can't do very much. I have the same guilt, shame, anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts for a few months because of what types of porn I watched. But to be honest, I feel a little bit better than 3 months ago when I could barely think straight, do simple tasks, study or even enjoy little things.

    And if you want to go to certain subreddits and ask them what you asked here, 100% they will tell you that you are either gay or bisexual, because that's how it works there. Even if you tell them that you feel very uncomfortable with the idea, they will tell you that you are either a homophobe, you're in denial of x sexuality or you have internalized homophobia. I took advice from people like this and let's say it didn't end well at all. But if you want to do this, go ahead.

    The only thing that I can tell you to do at this moment is to quit porn. Quit and after some period of time may be both will see what's real or just fantasy.

    I hope you'll get better, like many of us here want to.
     
  3. And another thing, I didn't have sex either with a woman to this age (almost 22) and I know it is one of the reasons for the low self-esteem and feeling less masculine. The only thing I can do now is to improve myself, because miracles will not happen. We both need to work to get the best version of ourselves.
     
    Bodhidharman likes this.
  4. It's nice to hear someone with a logical train of thought regarding this shit.

    I've basically scared myself away from porn. The only things that truly tempts me is IG models because they are all over my feed even when I'm not following them. They don't temp me to watch porn, I'm just trying not to look at them to reset my brain.

    I've been starting to realize how truly damaging porn is. That fact alone just scared me away from it. Good thing is, is that since I've been away from porn, my urges are more "normal". I feel a little more like how I used to feel a long, long time ago. But still, I think my brain is pretty fried. I just don't have the energy anymore for porn. Even the last two times I masturbated; without any porn, photos, nothing; it wasn't satisfying at all.

    Interestingly enough, I messaged that trans girl a week later and talked to her about the guilt I felt and she totally understood it all. She was actually really nice about it. That definitely helped a little bit.
     
    Garou99 likes this.
  5. Also Covid made everything so much worse
     
  6. Yeah and even worse when you even got the virus. At least things started to get better.

    I also felt that feeling of disgust towards porn. It doesn't ,,entertain'' like it used to a few years back. Even masturbation with or without porn isn't the same. I think after so many years our brains got so used to virtual sex, that we got bored with the ,,normal'' things and that's why we started to seek more hardcore/extreme things to get that strike of dopamine. The bad thing is that we pay the price for that extreme stuff. But at least we realized that porn is a problem and we need to cut it out.
     
  7. Its weird because sometimes I'll have these weird moments where it's like my brain is so done with everything, it'll shut off all the thoughts and negative feelings to all these issues. It's nice for a minute until it goes back.

    The one thing that helped me a lot was reading other forums and realizing how many other guys are going through this exact same issue. It's almost sickening. It's sad. Porn destroys lives.

    The hardest part is moving forward in the day to day rat race of life. Having to deal with all these thoughts at work makes me exhausted, and they don't go away when I get home. It'll take time, I know it will.

    What I said earlier up above about how what happened to me was great but also horrible is the weirdest part of this. If I'd never engaged with that trans girl, I still would've been on my same old bullshit. It was a seriously slap in the face, almost as if the universe was like WAKE UP. Who knows how much worse things could've gotten. I'm lucky I stopped now.

    I guess we all have our ways of coping and healing too. I do have an incredible sense of hope inside of me. Also
     
  8. The thought of having stopped here is calming. I could've gotten much worse. Sorry I accidentally posted the precious response before finishing.
     
  9. Yeah, those intrusive thoughts are the worst because they exhaust you to a deep mental level until you feel like losing your sanity. It makes you go insane sometimes and the worst part, some of us who experience the same thing might go to a breaking point where everything might end badly. And others, the majority, keep everything inside and try to cope with them but the sad thing is many can't do that and they live in a world like a hell every day. It's good at least that many of us had that moment of ,,Wake up!'', because that was the moment when we realized that we have a problem. The sad thing is many people on the internet will try to take advantage of this moment and try to make you believe that you are something else and this is ,,your true self''. If this is my true self, why do I feel like s**t and very uncomfortable with it? If it was my true self I think I would have known that from a young age, but yeah...many weird people are on this thing called the internet.

    When you are anxious and emotionally unstable, I guarantee that you'll believe the majority of things people will say. Because in that point you seek help and if you'll try to find it in the wrong place...

    We need to get better, because if we don't...we will make our own path to ,,auto destruction''.
     
    StewMac2003 likes this.
  10. Turcoman

    Turcoman New Fapstronaut

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    Nothing to worry about, pal. You're just a porn addict. And yes, you can quit it altogether. Who do you want to impress with your appearance while walking down the street? Who do you want to look at while walking down the street? I guess women, am I right? Then, you have nothing to doubt about your sexual identity. Porn just manipulates your perception of sexuality.
     
    StewMac2003 and Garou99 like this.
  11. sh0gun

    sh0gun Fapstronaut

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    "I don't need some cringy, "alpha" guy to just tell me to "go back to the gym, eat veggies, get into stoicism...blah"

    But that's exactly what you need man. You said you were doing well when you did those things, so why would you not go back to doing them? That's insanity.

    Listen, the opposite of depression is expression. Start going to the gym again, start looking after yourself. Start treating yourself like you are worth taking care of, and the addiction won't be able to keep a hold of you. The addiction wants you to feel pitiful and weak, because that's what it thrives on.

    Also with the trans stuff...you're obviously holding on to a lot of guilt about that. And you need to let go of it. Meditate on it and try to understand why you did it and be empathetic towards yourself. It might take a few sessions but stick with it, you will eventually forgive yourself. Porn distorts our sexuality and that's all it is. It isn't you man. I've had experience with HOCD myself and its a damn sight better when I don't jack off to porn.
     
    StewMac2003 and Garou99 like this.
  12. I believe that the people who just shut us down after we express an issue are most likely more insecure ourselves going through the issue. I can see where they'd come from, but it just feels like they're pushing their own real insecurities on you in a way.

    The fact that I've made it this far without REALLY getting worse keeps me hopeful. It was really rock bottom, and I can only go up.
     
  13. Thanks man,

    I'm sure it'll take a lot of time and a lot of self love (I need it BAD).
     
  14. Meditation was always hard for me, my mind is naturally super busy, so for me it was always through playing music or going on drives. Sitting alone in my room in the quiet sounds like torture to me...but maybe it's what I need. Maybe I need to quiet my brain instead of keep it busy.

    And trust me, I love the gym, veggies, and stoicism as much as the next guy...I just dislike people who think if you read some quotes by Epictetus your depression will instantly go away. This shit takes work. The job I'm doing right now is basically all day exercise, I'm trying to buy healthier lunches, and I love having a handful of good Marcus Aurelius at the ready. I really appreciate your straight forward answer though...you just kept it real and it's what I need. I need a lot of self love right now.
     
  15. Honestly, the most manly thing I can think of right now is to realize you have a serious issue, accept it, and work on it. You don't need to be perfect to be a man. That's what I'm starting to learn. In today's world men still suppress everything, but I still and will always believe the most masculine thing is to be true to yourself and all that you've done and never stop improving yourself. Never stop moving forward no matter how shitty we feel.
     
    Garou99 likes this.
  16. loverofpeace

    loverofpeace Fapstronaut

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    Maybe re-examine your concept of masculinity. "I only look at women / only get turned on by women" doesn't equal masculinity.

    Men like different things and get turned on by different things, or no things. Men act on things they like/want to a lesser or greater degree, and often feel guilt and shame afterwards (which is better than being proud of one's mistakes).

    You're a good man. Know this and start a new day looking for the good things in life. Be a better man. Grow in self-confidence. Who gives a ___ about what others think?? When someone loves you, they love you as you are, regardless of measurements...

    Also, you sound like you want fulfillment that goes beyond some physical satisfaction. There's an emotional aspect, which is great, but men sometimes struggle to admit it. You're already one step ahead of the game. Indeed, fostering a sense of community and fellowship - here, at the gym, etc. - is probably a good way to go. Maybe a pet if you can have one, can help you get started in the process of caring and experiencing an emotional connection that is truly pure (has nothing to do with selfishness and sex). Having some friendships and maybe eventually dating (like, real-life dating) would probably also provide a more intimate sense of emotional satisfaction.

    Wishing you well in your journey!
     
  17. FlorianStayStrong

    FlorianStayStrong Fapstronaut

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    I can understand you, I watched, durring my super adiccted phase, many animated transporn, not because I liked it, it was about the part of beeing the dominant part, to beat anorher guy hard enough to make him a girl.

    I am not proud about that, no, I am in shame, because thats not even the worst things I imagined.

    That is Something porn is doing to us, I don't know how to descripe it.

    You are not alone with this
     
  18. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    Reading these posts in this forum for me is the best cure for depression. To know I am not the only one going through this shit feels pretty good. We can all help each climb out of this porn grave we have dug ourselves into
     
  19. calpoop

    calpoop Fapstronaut

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    you need to cry more.

    try to find space(s) to cry

    discover the obstacles to tears. find out what keeps interrupting your tears

    im convinced we all need to have space and time to cry properly, and everything becomes more clear
     
  20. calpoop

    calpoop Fapstronaut

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    I realize the first two lines sound kind of sarcastic.
    im fo real serious: weeping more is the cure

    weeping cleanses your soul. if you cant do it in front of others or something, that's fine
    find your place and cry it out
    if you can't find it, make a place. imaginary, real, combined, temporal, spatial, wherever or whatever that is
    go there and keep crying, find the place where you can just weep. that kind of truth hits you more comprehensively than anything

    also dont be surprised if you have more tears than you think. that's when your ego really likes to attack you "okay youve had enough tears, let's get going pussy"

    i find that the wound is always deeper than your ego can comprehend
     

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