Hey all, Something happened recently that has really affected my life, brought me into a downward spiral. In short, I've had a porn addiction since I was about 12-13 years old (19 now). Of course, after this prolonged exposure to porn, it naturally escalated to more taboo and intense content, an example would be trans porn. Besides my porn addiction, I've developed a bad habit of meeting girls online with dating sites just to do freaky shit/trade pics with (insecurity about my dick size, compliments reinforced a positive belief). This has also been going on for quite a while. Neither of these have left me ever feeling satisfied with myself. On top of all that, I've never had sex; another factor in my low self-esteem. But anyways on that note, I will explain what started this downward spiral. I ended up meeting this trans girl on a dating site and we got to trading pics and dirty talk. After a little while, it seemed that she fell asleep so I ended up having to finally bust. Let me tell you, after that moment, everything went to shit. It was (not in a funny way) the worst post-nut clarity I've ever experienced. I could barely sleep realizing the mistake I'd made. All my internal problems came back to me in that moment. It was this threshold that I had crossed that would take me downhill. I started to feel extremely demasculinized. Very intense HOCD. I started to feel extremely ashamed. I got bouts of depersonalization. My depression got very intense, and has been since. My anxiety is through the roof. My confidence and self-esteem are non existent. All these feelings are still present within me now. I need help. Disclaimer: 1.) I am romantically and sexually attracted to cisgender women 2.) I was only sexually attracted to trans women sometimes. It was always on pornography though. 3.) I am not attracted at all to men or masculinity. But even though these are logical statements, they are irrelevant with the HOCD. I don't know what to do. This whole issue made me realize how bad my porn addiction was. How bad my sexual habits were. How bad my relationship life is. How bad my mental health is (it's been pretty eh for a few years anyways). I feel absolutely horrible, a low-life. I've been trying to keep on keepin' on but it only lasts so long...I need to resolve things. I've been dealing with depression for about 4 years now. I think I have ideas of what may have originally caused it, and of course I never worked on those issues early on. I wish I did. I'm coming here to ask for help. This issue is so personal...I feel like I could only talk about it anonymously. Being a man, it's also difficult talking about issues with anyone else. I've suppressed so much over the years and after I traded pics with that trans girl, the floodgates opened. I was doing so well before all this. Porn use was down, was going to the gym, eating healthy, developing better social skills, etc. It's sad to say, but what happened was the best thing and worse thing to happen to me. But now at this point, it's just dealing with the repercussions. I just need advice. Support. I don't know how many other men are going through a similar situation, but from things I've read before, it's common. I don't need some cringy, "alpha" guy to just tell me to "go back to the gym, eat veggies, get into stoicism...blah", I would appreciate some straight forward support, maybe even some similar stories. Please, if you need to know anything more, ask. If I could fit it all into this one post I'd be here all day. Thank you.