Feeling extreme neediness

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Temujin, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. Temujin

    Temujin Fapstronaut

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    So i am getting back into dating after a long dry spell.

    Its been about two weeks so far and I've slept with two girls. One of whom was the hottest girl I've ever slept with. I am kinda amazed how easy I've found dating this time considering i was possibly the worst guy with girls ever a couple of years ago who endlessly got rejected.

    However i am finding myself getting ridiculously emotionally attached and feeling extremely needy.

    With the first girl we hanged out a few times, slept together, and then she got studying for an exam. I sent her loads of messages wanting to hang out while she was studying and the day after her exam she broke it off. Explaining that i was being far too desperate and that she was only looking for something casual. When i thought through how i was acting I completely understood and took the rejection with grace and have accepted to being just friends. I didn't realize how ridiculous i was being until i thought it through afterwards.

    A few days after this the second girl contacted me wanting to meet up. We met up, had a fun first date and then slept together. However she is now in exam period herself so has been busy studying since then. I have managed to hold off from texting her too much. Only sending a message or two over the days since the date. However i find myself being a complete emotional wreck.

    I've got this situation where i can rationalize that what i am feeling is completely ridiculous and makes no sense. But i cant stop myself feeling this way.

    Was wondering if anyone could offer any help.
     
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    This is basically what happened...

    You sat down at a slot machine. Don't really care much about it. You got some wins and some losses. It's kind of fun, but whatever. Then suddenly you got a big win and now you're attached to the outcome because you want to experience more of those highs. So you keep playing and then you eventually hit a big string of losses. You want to get back to that high. You're attached to the outcome. So you double down on your investment to try and chase those losses and get back to winning big. You end up making irrational and emotional decisions that makes you lose even bigger than before. So what do you do? Double down on your investment even more. Now it's really important that you get your desired outcome because of how much investment you've put into this. Your bad decisions finally catch up with you and you lose everything.

    You doubling down your investment in this case was you behaving in desperate and needy ways. You became very reactive to the losses you experienced (her becoming too busy for you / not wanting the relationship to be anything more than casual). The more you invested, the more you worried and feared the outcome.

    This doesn't mean that you shouldn't ever invest or that you should become indifferent towards others. It means don't act or react like a gambling addict being overly attached to the outcome and chasing losses in desperate ways.

    If you make a relationship, especially with someone you barely know, the center of your life, then you will easily fall into the trap of doubling down on your investment to chase your losses. You will become overly reactive to whatever someone that isn't really interested in you says or does because you have nothing better going on in your life.
     
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  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    How many days have you been clean? In reboot or early recovery emotions are raw and you are healing. What I see is addicts who date them cover up that pain to fill a hole or they replace pmo with a partner and think that will sovereign their issues. SLOW down on bedding the women so soon.
     
  4. People catch feelings when they sleep together! Maybe wait till you deeply love and then have sex.
     
  5. Johnhello

    Johnhello Fapstronaut

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    thanks
     
  6. Temujin

    Temujin Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for that. When put that way it makes a whole lot of sense. I guess this is a phase i need to go through as i ease my way back into the dating world.
     
  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Focus on following your desires fully, but allowing the outcomes to unfold however it unfolds. You don't dwell on rejection. You don't take it personally. You don't try to own or control somebody. You accept how it is and open yourself up to other opportunities.

    Where the doubling down of investment / trying to chase your losses / needy and desperate behavior comes from is when you believe that each relationship is your one and only hope for happiness. That "this is it" and "this has to work"... but reality / people / relationships / dating is a lot more complicated and unpredictable than that. When those women got busy and said they just wanted to be casual, you thought "this isn't how it's supposed to be", but that's how it really was in reality. You resisted and dwelled on that reality. It wasn't how it was supposed to be in your mind. So you over reacted in desperate ways. You worried and feared. You became an emotional wreck trying to reach your ideal outcome.

    Dating is a numbers game. Some will end up too busy for you / reject you / want it to be casual.... some will make time for you / accept you / want it to be more serious. You can't expect every woman that you're interested in to follow your "how it's supposed to be" perfect ideal. That's not reality and when you resist reality, that's when you have a problem and take things personally.
     
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  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Pop culture / romanticism / film tv etc encourages desperate and needy behaviors. A lot of people grew up learning that this is the way to be loving and romantic. This is how you win the love of your life. That you should go through any amount of suffering to win their heart.

    It completely deludes people from how reality / people / relationships actually work.

    It creates false expectations and weakens them from being able to handle pain, problems, and negative experiences. It encourages perfectionism trying to reach the ideal, smooth, and happy story. It encourages acting in a way you think other people will like you for and to avoid any sort of tension.

    Love in the modern world for a lot of people is just an extreme form of neediness. A need to possess and control others to fit their flawed idea of how it's supposed to be.

    You learn how things really work through experience and role models. Not from mainstream media.
     
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  9. Temujin

    Temujin Fapstronaut

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    These are extremely wise words and i hear entirely where you are coming from.

    Thanks for your contributions!
     

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