Feeling heartbroken

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Defeatedgirlfriend, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    Sadly I’m not new to this forum. This is a long post. But I need to vent and I need advice.

    My husband and I have been together for 7 years now. Recently married. (About 4 months)

    We’ve been dealing with P addiction since the beginning of our relationship.

    About a year ago, he successfully gave up P and M. Hasn’t done it since.

    He gave it up because he was done with it, and done with our fighting about it. But still didn’t fully believe his problems were linked to nofap.

    Instead, it feels like he replaced P and M with our sex life. We became like robots. Every 7 days, HJ with lotion, sitting beside him while he looks at my body. (Not face). Never wanted to have sex. Only craved that hardcore HJ.

    I told him how I felt about it. That I was just an object to him. We weren’t making love. I wanted a connection. He listened, we talked, but nothing changed. Until recently.

    Now, a little something about him, he always linked his problems to something else. He always thought he had to be in the tropics living a completely natural life. He just thought that was the only thing that would help him feel better.

    I knew better. I knew this was a nofap issue. But he had to figure that out for himself. He was at least on the right path with giving up P and M.

    So I supported him, and figured out how to get us to the tropics to see if this would help him. Well, we went, and within the first two days, it hit him like a rock.

    His whole world, his whole vision came crashing down, and landing on nofap. It was like an ephifany. He finally knew it was nofap. He gave up the porn, but replaced it with our acts. He knew he needed a hardcore reboot.

    He had been looking at P since he was 9. 15 years of damage. Not to mention we never truly made love or connected, because he couldn’t. He always wanted no connection sex.

    Now this is where I’m having trouble.

    I’m 100% ok with abstaining from sex or anything so he can heal. He’s the love of my life, I want him to feel amazing and have an amazing life.

    But, doing this so far, seems like he doesn’t love me so much.

    I talked to him last night, and asked him about this. And he responded that now that his whole vision changed, he doesn’t know. He is curious about other women. Connecting with them.

    He says not just fucking them. But connecting. Making love to them. He says he can feel some people’s vibes, and he wonders what it would be like to be with them. I don’t give off amazing vibes because I feel like I’m damaged from this. But while he is working on his journey, I need to work on mine. Then I will be my optimal self.

    We are recently married. And he has never connected with me in that way.

    It hurts so much that he is focusing so much on that, instead of trying to fix our relationship.

    He says these could be fake feelings since he is rebooting. That he loves me. He says he is going to wait a very long time until he would think about acting on these feelings, meaning he won’t just leave me and pursue anything until he’s had these feelings for a couple years or so. And he will communicate with me so I know where his head is at.

    He says if he could guess, he wants to be with me. And that he doesn’t want to leave me because I’m perfect for him. I hit everything on his list. But he has these curious feelings about being in love or connecting with someone else.

    I just feel so hurt. I feel like he should be trying to connect with me, instead of thinking about the possibility of other women. We have never made love because he couldn’t connect. Not me. I’m capable of making love and connecting.

    He was telling me he was looking at his mom and seeing her as more beautiful. Which is amazing, amazing benefits, but I can’t help but think, “wow, he hasn’t said that about me”.

    He told me he doesn’t want to act so lovey dovey with me because he doesn’t want to get turned on and have sex because he is trying to do hard mode. Which, like I said before, I support. But fuck man, I want to feel loved by my husband.

    I want that love from him where I can feel confidant in our relationship. He cried at our wedding because it felt so right.

    And now 4 months later, he is curious about other women. Fuck this hurts.

    I need to hear if anyone else has gone through this. Could this just be a passing nofap thing? Or does he not fucking love me.
  2. All the SOs (significant others) are right here with you. It hurts, and the unknowns are the hardest parts.

    I'm going to give your man credit...he's being honest. I know that hurts but, myself and others are being told how we "are the one", but actions show otherwise.

    Appreciate his honesty and DO NOT take his criticism. You are beautiful.

    I can't answer if he loves you or not. I feel like he does because he saying he does.

    Please remember that this addiction messes their heads up SO much and takes a long time to be whole again.

    Be strong. Open up here for support and to help other addicts see what they are doing to their partners. They really are clueless.

    I've been where you are and still am with the "I feel used", "I want to feel the same way I make him feel", "dude...for real wtf?!".

    Prayers and hugs to you both. You rock your vibe...it's cool right where it is. If he doesn't see that...that's on him.
  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I can relate to your husband a bit, but my situation was a bit different in that the distance wasn't coming from my side but my wife's. So, for me, part of dropping the fake pleasures of porn and wanting real sexual connection was thoughts of what that might be like with other women. Of course, I wasn't getting any sex at home, so this was more of a "would life be better after a divorce......would it be enough better to warrant all the pain a divorce would cause" and since things are better at home, these thoughts have disappeared. It was in the first few weeks if I recall.

    The wanting to feel a connection is a good thing overall, I think. It might just be that he's seeing the lack of connection with you (regardless if he has been the cause) and the lack of connection that is pretty much innate with porn and now wanting something different. However, the novelty aspect of porn maybe still is embedded in his mind.

    With porn, internet worst of all, you have access to a variety of images / fantasies and can pick between them rapid fire. Sometimes we like to think we can do that with real people....and if you are just thinking it, you sort of can. I guess some people do change partners rapid fire too, but regardless of one's "game" you can't make real deep connections that way. You can't make real connection without time.

    I don't know....I think this is where a therapist is needed. He's just being a bit delusional and falling into a type of fantasy.

    Now, I know that hard mode can be easier....but it sounds like it might not be the best choice here if you can get to meaningful sex together. And even with hard mode, why can't he help you out and work on your pleasure and connecting with you but without orgasm for him. You were there for him after all.

    If that doesn't feel right, then just work on yourself so you can be the person with the "good vibes" and hope that his words become his actions.
    need4realchg and samnf1990 like this.
  4. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    For a lot of us, P has been a way to find an outlet for our curiosity about other women. It is a cruel consequence of human biology that love does not obliterate desire for, and attraction to, other possible partners. To remove P from our life is to remove that outlet for such impulses/thoughts/desires. The 'right' thing to do, if in a committed, genuine and loving relationship, is to stop indulging in these impulses/thoughts/desires. To notice beauty or our initial response to it, then let it go, not dwell, not fantasise, and to be happy with our own situation and the beauty of our own partner. It sounds like your husband is committed to ridding his life of P, and is committed to honesty, but that, as a result, he is sharing with you his struggle with conflicting desires, conflicting drives. Committing to a partner for life is to forgo any other potential partnerships, connections. Four months ago, your husband made that commitment. He needs to remember this.

    It sounds, too, like he feels there is something important missing from his life, that some magical thing will change and make everything okay, make everything better. There are two things that might do this for him: improving himself, and allowing for your connection to grow and deepen. If he has one foot out of the door, then he will never enjoy his relationship fully, no matter if that is with you or in these imaginary experiences with other women.

    Your husband needs to acknowledge that his behaviour and the way he is communicating with you are both self-destructive. He tells you he loves you and that you are perfect for him, and yet he tells you that he is curious about connecting with other women. If he cannot connect with his wife, a partner whom he loves and who loves him, and who he has, in his own words, described as being perfect for him, then how on Earth does he expect to connect with another woman?

    For someone making such mental gymnastics to declare himself in love with the perfect woman for him, but also wanting to connect with other women rather than you, I have to question whether he is being honest about being one year clean. What makes you think that you know he has not relapsed? When you say that he has a handjob once a week, are you getting any reciprocal touching at all? Why are you agreeing to this?? Your husband may be telling you what he thinks is best for him. (Eg hardmode, potentially to go off and explore being with other women and forging a connection) but he has such shitty thinking that he barely seems to know what he wants, nevermind what he needs. But what is best for you? What do you need from this relationship? What do you need from him? How patient and forgiving and generous are you really prepared to be? I know that I would not be prepared to robotically finger my wife once weekly while she denied me her own touch, and pontificated about her love for me and how great I am in between musings on how it might be nice to really connect with a man out there, while making no effort to do the same with me. Especially four months after what should have been a declaration to the world of the strength of our love and our lifelong commitment to one another.
  5. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    Did he pleasure you at all? No way a woman would give a handjob once a week to her man if she is not getting any herself. He needs to at least pleasure you once without getting any himself. It goes both ways.
  6. i think its just the phase, i think everything is normal. don't over think, laugh over his attraction to other women. trust me you'll be fine. all the best
    Defeatedgirlfriend likes this.
  7. You might be interested in looking up "Intimacy Anorexia".
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2019
  8. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    Thank you for replying! Very much appreciated.

    I’m thinking this is mostly the rewiring process. In regards to how do I know if he truly is 1 year clean, I don’t.

    He tells me he is. I told him I needed to know the truth before we got married, as I didn’t want to marry a liar.

    But I’ve come to the fact that even if he did have relapses, and didn’t tell me, his actions the past year have shown me he is to be trusted.

    I still don’t 100% trust if he was telling me the truth about being 100% clean for a year, but so much healing has already occurred, and his attitude and our relationship in a way, has gotten better. He has 100% been trying, and that’s all I can ask and hope for.

    This has made him question his entire life and everything in it. He says he doesn’t know who he truly is, or what he is truly interested in. His brain is completely healing itself, and it’s really confusing him.

    When the handjob thing took place, it was 90% handjob, then 5% sex ending with a handjob again, and when he would finish, he would lay beside me and finish me. Every single time.

    He IS missing something in his life. He isn’t happy with himself fully yet, because of years of abuse. And he feels like he has always been searching for things to make him feel better, and all this time it’s actually been to stop doing something.

    We have talked since I posted this, and he says he is giving 100% to our relationship and last night we actually ended up having the best sex of our lives. Still no where close to what we could be capable of, it was mostly sex, but 100% staring into each other’s eyes and really trying to connect. Actually trying to make love. We still have so much to work on, but I can see he is trying everyday, and he is so committed to doing this. I’m so proud of him.

    Everyday he tells me little improvements he notices. And when he tells me he isn’t feeling benefits, it makes me so proud that he still says he is giving this is all. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of emotions, and feeling amazing and feeling like shit, but he’s so ready to take it on.

    Anyway, I’m going to let him continue on his journey and support and love him. I feel his honesty is just too honest sometimes, but he really does mean well. He’s learning more and more about himself and the world around him everyday without his porn glasses on, so he feels like a child sometimes.
  9. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    He did! This issue we had most of the time, is since giving up porn, his sex drive has gone down a lot.

    He only felt ready to do that about once a week. Otherwise his sex drive was very very low. So when he finally felt ready, he would instantly want to do the handjob thing. Which was 90% handjob, 5% sex, and 5% focusing on me.

    It always was handjob, sex, finish with handjob. Clean up, and then lay beside me almost asleep while he finished me. Or laid beside me while i finished myself.

    He admits that he hasn’t been too interested in doing me, as he has become very selfish in bed. He just wants the handjob.

    I’ve asked him if he could do me when he hasn’t been horny, but he didn’t want to because every time he has, he has gotten too turned on and then will end up having sex and handjob when his body wasn’t actually ready.

    His sex drive has just been so low. Recently we have started to try to connect and make our sex life healthy. We still have a lot to work on, but the past two times we have had sex have been such HUGE improvements. Looking into my eyes and holding me more and not looking at my body the entire time, and going really slow. (We go as long as we can without sex. Obviously no porn or masturbation. Though he tells me I can, but I like to do nofap with him too)

    Sorry for the long winded reply. Just kind of all fell onto the page.
    legendsneverdie and need4realchg like this.

  10. Can you give me demographics—- (age)for him and you?

    Are you saying your sex life follows the same script every time ?

    If you try to change it up what happens?
  11. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

    I’m 23 and he’s 24.

    Yup, same thing every single time. Only the last two times since he has taken nofap to the next level has it been different.

    I’m thinking it was the same thing because when he gave up porn and masturbation, he went to the most stimulating thing in our sex life for him. Which was a handjob with lotion. He would tell me how to do everything and it became his comfort zone. Everything else was out of his comfort zone, so he would almost get anxiety trying anything else.

    He recently has taken nofap to the next level and has seen that what we have been doing is also damaging since he was objectifying me during sex, and not connecting at all. He thinks he needs a full reboot, which would make sense since he’s been addicted to porn and masturbation since he was 7 or 8.

    We’ve been experimenting with trying to have suuuuuper intimate sex when he finally does want to after awhile of nothing. And it seems his benefits don’t go away after we have sex, and he says he feels closer to me after sex and that it’s not damaging him as much at all. Obviously nothing is perfect because he still can’t fully connect or get super into anything, but from what I’ve seen, it’s a huge difference and it’s only our second time trying.
  12. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    Once a week is still considered normal. He just need to do something different other than routine stuff on you. Looks like he needs to warm you up and make you feel good before going straight to sex. Tell him literally that you need pretty game. That could be kissing in the neck slowly and light brushes with fingers. Ask him to try to be creative. This should be simple since that doesn't require his dick. If he is not hard later on, just get him to eat you out till you finish.
    Defeatedgirlfriend likes this.
  13. Are you all intimately connected?
    Meaning do things together ?
    Do you have other stresses ? Kids or job tension?

    At first read you do seem to be following a script... let me explain , a nofap user who I don’t recall described how he would only be able to finish the same way his favorite genre of porn would end—- any other deviation and he simply could not. As if he wasn’t aroused.

    It sounds as though his brain actually still has some lingering effects of pied he’s just managing it better. Plus, you are likely creating anxiety for him before he was not self aware, now he is.

    Instead of simply acquiescence in following his instructions find out what his love language is. Communicate in his love language what he means to you while you are intimate and also when you have sex. Let cheerleader be your role as an active participant . You need less sex and more connection presex

    You are hurting because he’s becoming more aware of his sexual nature... yet you are not being any more creative ? Try being more sultry? Try being more passive ? Try being more insatiable? Try blind folding him ? Try wearing a wig ?
    You sound timid to play or be comfortable and he is expressing a need to be different and not hurt you. He is afraid to hurt you it sounds like for whatever he fears you might think.

    I think him trying to “ connect” when he’s not used to it will take time. I’d suggest try to have sex without orgasm. Just focus on fore play and touching. You guys aren’t that comfortable yet and scripted sex is a lot more like actual porn unfortunately.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2019
    Defeatedgirlfriend likes this.
  14. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut


    Couple problems here for us, he’s really wanting to go awhile without sex or anything. Only when he’s really feeling like he is ready.

    I definitely will try to get us to connect and be more intimate before sex. I will have to talk to him more about his love language. I kind of know what it is, but I’d like to see his input.

    I’ll try being more creative, but it’s more him who doesn’t want to. I’m kind of always ready to have sex, and I’m okay with waiting until he is ready, but getting him to try other things is difficult.

    Sex without orgasm isn’t really an option. We’ve tried it multiple times and it just makes him feel terrible. He becomes more irritable and depressed.

    Definitely will do a lot more foreplay and touching. I mentioned this to him the last time we had sex, and we both agreed it’s something we need to work on.
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. Sorry for the miscommunication ; I am advocating no sex , not sex without orgasm. Let me explain :
    The stress he already has is counterproductive... just take a break from inter course; focus on your connection and intimacy. Hang out naked .
    Go on group dates.
    Sleep in the nude.

    No sex. Just build healthy closeness.
  16. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Sounds familiar. This used to be my sex life with PA when he was PMO. It used to make me feel like a burden. It's a sad, pathetic excuse of a sex life. No woman or man should deal with that feeling of being used by a lazy, selfish lover. Luckily, things are better than before. Still working on getting to the place I would like it to be, but better.
    Numb and need4realchg like this.

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