feeling highly demotivated after unintentional ejaculation during sleep on 102nd day of nofap.help!!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by jerrymouse, Oct 15, 2019.

  1. jerrymouse

    jerrymouse Fapstronaut

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    hello guys!!i am in trouble and need some help..i am extremely upset..i am sorry for this mammoth post..but please read it..take as much time as u wish..but please read it fully..and give me some advice. this forum is for people like me who genuinely seek advice on pmo issues..so please help me guys!!i am desperate for some consoling words!
    i had been a severe porn addict for the past 6 years,masturbating atleast 3times daily..i had made literally more than 1000 attempts to quit it but failed each and every time despite observing it's severely devastating impact on my brain and body

    .i had motivated myself in plenty of ways to stop it by reading success stories but nothing worked..but in july 2019,that is 3 months ago,it started affecting my health so badly,that i decided to quit it!! i felt a shiver of fear run down my back as i realized that i had been imprisoned in this enclosure for the rest of my life and will never be able to come out of it and lead a normal life..it was extremely suffocating.

    So,in july,i.e 104 days ago, i accepted God as my one and only saviour who could free myself from the shackles of this monster and restore back my senses as to what nonsense i have been doing,which is definitely not the purpose of having been born as a human!!

    I went to the temple and prayed to God for a long time ,vowed before myself that i would not allow this demon to grasp my life anymore! As i prayed and made the vows,my body became warm and my mind became resolute..very soon,my brain started disliking the thought of pmo..i could feel the positive changes..i got extremely attached to God,my prayers became my greatest strength, and it started giving me immense amounts of pleasure or the so called "dopamine surge", much more than what pmo had given me..i needed something more powerful to drive the craze of pmo away and i got it.i dived into nofap and battle against pmo with new energy,and i was confident that my life would change soon and i would win this battle..initially i never expected that i could quit this habit with my willpower..i put up a very tough resistance against pmo something much stronger than pmo addiction.itself...Things started to change..i found that whenever i would have a sound sleep, i would have a lot of clarity in my thoughts..my thinking skills and memory improved..the brain fog lessened to some extent..positive changes started occurring inside me..quitting pmo gave me much much happiness,self respect,potential amounts of intellect and restored my senses!! i started focusing on my goals,my career ,my ambition..the idea of pmo simply faded away from my mind as i could feel my connectivity to God..I had developed an extremely tall and strong psychological barrier against pmo such that whenever,i would recall my old pmo phase of my life and it's scary effects on my brain and body, my inner self would awaken up shouting "No!! not again"!! I never believed that i could achieve this thing..my ambitions became more important doing such nonsensical stuff became illogical to my mind..i became a huge devotee of God just within few months..my soul was getting pure..the last 3 months were typically the happiest phase of my life in the past 7 years..it's because i stopped pmo..i started appreciating the purpose of life..i found interest in several constructive activities..i cannot describe how much happiness it gave me!! At last i was free!! i even took great pleasure in helping other porn addicts by telling them how i cured my addiction..labelling my own self as a successful man in this task and considering myself as having won that tough battle provided me with the greatest form of mental satisfaction which nothing else had given me in my entire life!! i was free atlast!! felt like i was a caged bird who could now fly!! i planned as to how i can make my life successful because the main obstacle in my path was now gone! and i considered myself to be useful if my advice helped others to quit pmo..However,it was slightly difficult to keep the withdrawal symptoms in my control..it means that changes are occurring in the brain and nofap is working..the existing porn pathways are slowly degrading and the neuro chemical imbalance would be soon vanished!i would still feel urges but they were now under my control!! i would get erect whenever a pic of a semi nude girl suddenly popped up in a tv advertisement or i saw something that triggered an erection of the penis..but i had learnt how to control my mind..my resistance was much much stronger..i would take the name of God and these went away..i never touched my penis in the past 104 days ..also i observed that as i used to masturbate earlier,my penis would remain moist and wet most of the time..but as i stopped it totally,i saw appearance of a dry white scaly layer on it's inside,which too confirmed that pmo had fully stopped and there was no more ejaculation..whenever i remembered my past pmo phase of my life,i would feel glad that atlast i am free!! oh God!! what a terrible state i was in and now i am so good!! it felt that i got a new life to start with..i felt like normal people around me and no other obstruction in my path which could stop me from getting a good life..it gave me loads and loads of confidence in each field of life..i felt that like others around me,i can now lead a normal life..i used to be sad earlier when i was not able to quit pmo,thinking that my life is not like that of other normal people and a demon is residing inside me which will never escape..but still i managed to do it!! i started staying immensely happy and thought myself that how terrible it would be if i went back to my past phase of life!! Seeing oneself getting better day by day improves mental functions and gives u indescriptible amounts of happiness..!!! i got back normalcy in my life..the original way in which life goes on without any kind of nonsensical addiction!

    Everything was going perfectly normal..As usual,i would occasionally get urges and my penis would get erect but it was never close to what i used to do earlier..i never ejaculated again..neither did i touch my penis.Believe me guys,my addiction was the worst one ever discussed on this forum..after i got rid of it,it seemed that the happiness i got was as if i had been cured of a deadly disease!!!It was just a miracle as to how my addiction was cured..I motivated myself in a unique way along with a strong belief in the divine power..It was something that u cannot do everyday..something that will just work once..a tremendous force awakened inside me to cut off my ties with pmo completely...i started disliking porn sites or obscene images..my mind and soul started embracing divine thoughts..how i changed my mindset was just sudden and spontaneous..and that works only once in a life!! it was once in a lifetime type of attempt.and it was almost fully successful till something happened 2 days ago.this attempt and motivation to quit pmo was just like an OTP needed to activate your bank account..but after your account is activated,then the old OTP will not work..and even if ur account is crashed without ur fault,then you are in serious trouble!!! with every day that passed since i stopped pmo completely 104 days ago,i felt rejuvenated and recovering slowly day by day..regenerating my old lost self..and the thought that i have distanced myself from the evils of the past for good ,indeed was strong enough alone to get my life going!! I had trained my brain not to expect high dopamine and slowly,it got used to this change..
    But,what is sad in our lives is that if u move from darkness to a ray of light ,u will feel extreme happiess BUT an unimaginable amount of pain if u are sonehow or the other pushed back into darkness or come into contact with your dark memories of the past unfortunately,even if u do not do it yourself...
    2 nights ago,as i went to bed,i fell asleep quite soon..after 2 and a half hours of deep sleep,i woke up and found that i had ejaculated loads of white cum or semen in my pants..i felt utterly disappointed..the entire rhythm of fighting against pmo addiction that had started over a 100 days ago lost its power..This was NOT INTENTIONAL MASTURBATION,neither did i touch my penis..i learnt on the net that this was an UNINTENTIONAL wet dream..although the body's response after this type of ejaculation and the original pmo ejaculation would be the same,as the ultimate outcomes in both cases is loss of semen in huge quantities...But still ejaculating once after a gap of 102 days certainly will not put me back to where from i started my nofap journey 104 days ago..I know many people who do not masturbate or in their early teens get wet dreams...it is unintentional..i have not broken my solemn vows that i had made to God and myself as i started nofap..but still i am feeling strongly demotivated after this unfortunate incident..although on the net,i learnt a lot and concluded that this unintentional night fall is fully different from an intentional relapse or masturbation what i had been doing since the past 6 years,it spoiled my entire mood!! i lost that rhythm with which i was going strong..i don't think i will be able to remotivate myself in the way i did it 104 days ago..this was the toughest fight of my life so far!! this addiction is the worst on earth..i was almost cured of the addiction..i was on the way to recovery..but alas!!! imagine urself almost winning a very tough battle and then you lose in the end though the fault is not your's..!! how depressive it feels!! i feel that all the resistance that i had put up and all my hard work,my beliefs,my lofty plans are gone in vain! as i said before,escaping darkness gives u freedom but once you fall in it once more,it will give u enormous amounts of misery!! mentally,it will make u sick! i felt like a prisoner who had escaped but ended up back in prison itself!! the mental satisfaction that i felt after considering myself as being at a huge distance from my past no longer exists!! the nocturnal emission was never intentional ..it was purely accidental but it ruined everything..that happened 2 nights ago,after that i have not masturbated but i am getting constant urges to ejaculate once again!! it seems that my willpower has almost shattered after that incident..throughout the day,i get sexually excited on random thoughts and have little control on myself..just somehow i have kept myself away from actual pmo! i lost my focus and clarity of the mind due to depression..i have just read that during sleep,somehow if the penis gets rubbed against the bed or pillow or the blanket even though unknowingly,it can cause involuntary ejaculation of semen..it triggers a reflex action!! but it is not the person's fault..as i had the ejaculation,i woke up immediately and felt yerribly upset with myself! i had almost won the battle..it seemed that the monster is likely to grasp me inside it's palms once again..the depression that i am now experiencing is worse than the original one that existed before i started nofap..and i worry that i may fall a prey to that monstrous habit once more and end up my life!!! i am losing my resistance and willpower against it..Even though,i have not masturbated after that nightfall 2 nights ago ,but i do not feel the same happiness or energetic that i was feeli g before the nightfall...these past 100 days were very happy days of my life and to see them end in such a way is tremendously pathetic..i am still feeling guilty..i believe in God and begged for forgiveness even though it was not my fault..had i been awaken ,then with my full consciousness alive ,i would have never pmoed again..i had developed the toughest resistance against it,and that's why,now experiencing extreme depression...i feel back in the dark phase of my life once more like a prisoner and this time with greater amount of anxiety,phobia,and frustation and anger..my efforts seem to have gobe in vain!! i think that psychological barrier that i had built in my mind against pmo is slowly being demolished..
    i had trained my brain not to expect dopamine high all the time..but the brain keeps track of such changes which have had occurred over a huge time span..i had dopamine surge for past 6 years of my pmo life and this caused countless no of changes in the brain..recently,these changes were slowly getting back to normal as i plunged into nofap 104 days ago with full resolution..but i fear that with the last episode of nightfall,i have once more pressed the switch for pmo to take control of my mind or somehow once more reminded my brain of the dopamine surge that it had been getting in the past 6 years,so much so that it badly wants it now once more!!! i believed that the neuroplastic pathways associated with pmo and higher dopamine may have come alive once again just like the case of drug addicts!! i have read that after tremendous pmo addiction,if u auit it fully,then after few days,u will start experiencing frequent nocturnal emissions as tge sperm count and testosterond levels go high and the penis gets very sensitive !
    i feel just thrown back to darkness with huge amount of power ,even greater than what had actually helped me to start nofap 104 days ago.it feels suffocating to believe that as if i am trapped inside this cage forever and can't lead a normal life like others..it has ruined my life..it feels like i cannot unlock my true potential as a man and getting fully restricted by this involuntary activity!
    I just cannot stop thinking about it..I cannot forget the word "relapse"..because once i started nofap,i believed with 101% accuracy or certainity that i am cured of this addiction and will never do this miserable act again..i was so confident! And that's what i was proud of and even told others about my transformation so that it could help them too!
    i just cannot see myself in this pit once again..i don't want to be thrown inside darkness..it feels suffocating whenever i am reminded of my attachment to this habit in the past which almost ruined my career,my life,etc.
    i beg for some advice how can i remotivate myself once again..?? how can i drop the feeling of guilt from the unintentional "relapse"?
    Is it really worth calling it a relapse?? please help me.
     
    Flyhigh likes this.
  2. Flyhigh

    Flyhigh Fapstronaut

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    Congrats for the 104 days, you have done such a great job and don't be too hard on yourself wet dreams are never a relapse just be careful not to go back to the same old habit. :)
     
  3. Flyhigh

    Flyhigh Fapstronaut

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    Congrats for the 104 days, you have done such a great job and don't be too hard on yourself wet dreams are never a relapse just be careful not to go back to the same old habit. :)
     

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