feeling inadequate

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Drock989, Dec 4, 2018.

  1. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    I'll sum it all up quick, since November 13(last relapse) me and the wife have had very minimum contact with eachother, I slept on the couch for about 3 weeks, last few days since Saturday, she has opened up and im back in bed and we kiss and say I love you again which is amazing. but this morning as I left for work I went and kissed her a few times and I got a little lashing by her saying it's enough,I feel slightly rejected and my mind has been going off the chart, I really want to give her the space she wants and needs. but I am a very affectionate person. being able to kiss and hold her again is incredible. I don't want to push her boundaries but it's hard for me not to show affection and wait till she initiates anything. i.e. a kiss or cuddle.x0 are abstaining this time around and I have a strong feeling it's going to be some time before we have sex again and I've accepted that. so showing affection is all I got. besides helping out a lot around the house.

    not exactly sure what I'm asking here, but if anyone has any tips or advice it would be greatly appreciated. TIA
     
  2. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Takes time.

    Respect her boundaries as she opens up like those little barnacles that pull in their lacy tendrils upon touch.

    Have your ways of self care
    when she pulls back.
     
  3. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    ya I know, is just hard,I totally understand why she would do the things she does at times, and I can say with 100% that I would be practicing being a huge hypocrite if it were flipped the other way around. and for her being so strong is incredible, and ill be forever grateful for it. I do always try to look at the bright side of things lately, and I am trying to in this particular scenario aswell.. for 1 she kisses me again, 2 I could be still on the couch or worse, out of the house, 3, she has told me she is not willing to give up on our life together.... its just hard to jump certain emotions and look further down the road
     
    Trappist likes this.
  4. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    How do you self care
    in these situations?

    Edit: There are a few discussion
    here on how to initiate
    And refuse sex.

    It’s sensitive to figure out
    for both PA and SO
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
  5. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    ya I have read a few of those actually, its not even just initiating sex, im trying to accept and give all those decisions to her to initiate, I also have a feeling that if she does initiate sex sometime that I don't know how I'm going to react, do I want her physically? of course I do, but what if I feel like I don't want to at that present moment, I don't know, I just don't want to push her in to feeling like she has to
     
  6. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    and can I accept her space to much? would she start to feel like I'm not interested ? I don't know
     
  7. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    My SO and are still feeling our way through all these newer behaviors,
    as well.

    Things are so much better
    than before. I hope to learn enough and stay present enough for the continuing recovery.

    Did you say you are letting her initiate primarily, I may have misunderstood?

    Trying find where things
    really should be
    is the newness in all this.
     
  8. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    ya she is the primary initiator now
     
  9. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    we are abstaining right now also,
     
  10. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    The pendulum swings both ways...

    Wishing you both patience, openness
    and being present during all these changes.
     
    HuwhiteMale and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  11. Try to openly communicate with her as you’ve done here.
    I said to my man that I feel it’s almost unfair that all he has to do is stop PMO and he will be fixed where there is no simple fix for me as a SO. No little trick I can do that will magically erase the feelings of betrayal, saddness, loss of self esteem all brought on because of his addiction. Perhaps she is in a similar boat- where she’s overwhelmed with emotions and has nobody to talk to.
    I know you said she is the primary initiator- was this something you both decided on? I know for myself, I want him to be the initiator because he never wanted me when he had porn so now I want to feel desired which doesn’t happen if I initiate.

    You said that you’re an affectionate partner and it’s hard for you to wait... while you were watching porn were you as affectionate?
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    The thing is, the PA has to do a lot more than just stop PMO "to be fixed." If they aren't examining why they sought it out in the first place and learning how to cope with their deep rooted feelings that led them there in the first place, relapse is inevitable. They have a lot of work of their own to do, and that can take years and also be very painful.

    I'm not giving them an out, I'm just pointing out that it's not easy for either side.
     
    Drock989 likes this.
  13. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    yes and yes, when I was in the thick of my addiction I was still very affectionate, I love her with all my heart and love to show it, whether its cuddling, kissing, or even giving her a foot rub, and before I have always been the initiator, we decided that she will be the pina initiator as of a couple weeks ago and it is extremely hard for me, I kiss her every morning and tell her I love her, I didn't do that this morning and she questioned it asking if I was ok or if something was wrong, I simply just want to respect her space but she affirmed that she still wants that, I find it very very hard not to show my affection physically. we would be in the kitchen and I just want to hold and hug her so bad but I know I can be for lack of better terms bombarding? I also agree with eyeswideopen, there is a lot more to just quit pmo, I have had so much bottled up emotions from a child and I am slowly dealing with them and communicate with my wife about them and how I feel daily,

    I also might add since my last reset, I have learned to show my affection through other means, doing the dishes daily, making dinner almost daily, keeping up with laundry,(that a hard one)

    I also learned through this process the root(s) of my addiction not being able to live up to my mothers expectations and how I will never be an equal to my brothers. and thats just scratching the surface,

    I appreciate both of your inputs on the matter and will continue to grow, any more insight will be greatly appreciated,

    I also have started writing out my story if your interested in reading it, the thread is called ''my story from as far as I can remember''
     
  14. It's hard being the SO of a PA. Sometimes I love him being affectionate, other times, usually after a slip up, it's like I don't want him touching me in a sexual way.. it's weird. I'd look at his hands or feel them on me, and all I can think is how he'd just used those hands to PMO. It's an absolute turn off. I'm dealing with all that right now. It's only been about a week..the first few days, i slept on the opposite side of the bed in fear of him trying to cuddle or initiate anything. Keep doing what you are doing. Show her that you are serious with your progress. Read books and watch videos. Keep up with those gestures. Let her see it. Everyone is different, but that's what Is helping me with the intimacy issues. Appreciating him trying. I still have crazy trust issues, and I am working to get back to the place where I want to have sex. Right now, we are showing intimacy in other ways. I guess like others have said, find her love language.
     
  15. Drock989

    Drock989 Fapstronaut

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    I hope everything works for you and your SO, after my last slip, I was on the couch for almost 3 weeks, and I didn't even touch my wife in anyway at all, she didn't want me to touch her, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, BUT every time I reset I learn new things to help me and my wife. this time around which I pray is the last, I learned how to always find light in the darkness, for instance, every night I slept on the couch I went to bed saying to myself ''I'm still in the house, so there is hope'' and no matter how hard it was for me, I tried to stay as positive as I could, not only does it help me, but the positivity also helps her, it shows her I can be strong , it shows her she can be strong! I learned that talking about it calmly releases the power that my addiction has over our relationship, it also builds trust slowly in showing I'm not going to be afraid my emotions that I have bottled up for years since a child,

    to me, having resets are sometimes ok, but when they happen its important to look deep at why it happened, not to just look at it as ''it just happened'', but really think about it, study it, and learn from it, as individuals and as partners, talk about it in a calm and noncriticising manner, release the power it has by talking about it with eachother.

    for me, if I'm left with my own thoughts and I don't talk about it, it snowballs, maybe I have a struggle or something but make it though it alone, don't say anything and the next time the snowball gets bigger, maybe I make it through again, don't say anything and yet again the snowball gets bigger, but if I talk about it, it comes to the light and makes things easier to deal with next time, communication is key!!
     
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