I apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section and if this is too serious but I feel like I need to get this off my chest somehow. I don't know what to do. My life went to shit after my Dad died three years ago, to put a long story short he was my best friend. I am close with my mum but no where near to how close my Dad and I were. I've felt alone all this time. My friends don't know half of what I go through. I don't have a girlfriend. Its sad but my only source of comfort these days is my cat. At least she is around at night and at looks like she is listening to my problems. And listening to The Weeknd. I never wanted to go university, I hated studying. I was thrust into it, my Dad passed away around application time so I had no time to evaluate all options. I just winged my way through interviews and got in. I hated every second of it. I had no friends there. I was that guy in the corner of the room. All I did was drink and pop a few pills every now and again just so I could bear some of this pain. I was made to go therapy for my anxiety and depression but that shit doesn't help. I hated that too. Again I lied every session until they decided I didn't need it anymore. By winter 2015 my attendance was at about 60%. When I did go in, I would leave after 5 minutes. I wore a mask everyday. I would tell my family that I enjoyed it when I didn't. I had to. I was the "smart" one. My brother is the artist and most of my family is athletic. I am athletic myself but a string of hamstring injuries killed my dream of playing professional football. I deferred a year with no intention of going back. I just needed to hold on to that "student status" for as long as I could. My mum teaches but she barely makes enough to pay rent and all the other bills. Losing my student status sends the bills up. I only have a part time job and after travel costs, gym membership, my phone and other stuff I don't really have much left to help. I'm the eldest. When my Dad died, I should have taken that man of the house role but I haven't done shit. All I've done is dodge responsibility and drink. I constantly wear a mask, I barely know who I am anymore. It is becoming too much. My family say they are proud of me but I just laugh. Proud of what? I'm nothing more than a piece of shit, a burden. Everyone else is either in university, a sports team or graduating. What am I doing? Thinking about reasons to live. I want to runaway somewhere far, so if all I do is drown my sorrows and wing my way through life at least it will only affect me. My mum is an amazing woman and doesn't deserve the stress, she has enough to deal with. My brother is younger but a better man than I am. For the past three years I've lied to everyone. Teachers, friends, family. I don't need to make myself even more of a burden. The only time I have been honest with my feelings is when I have drank too much and proceed to talk to my cat. I hate this. I know that in this world there are people who go through so much shit. All you need to do is look on the news and see how crazy things are but they don't complain. They get on with it. I don't know how they do it. It has only been 20 years but it is just too much. I don't really want to continue. I don't have a passion for anything, I don't care for anything. I feel like it would be better should I disappear. I'm sure if I were to fade away it would be better for everyone.
I'm not looking for answers really. I just needed to vent. Sometimes I really do bottle up my emotions for so long that it spills over. I posted on here because this community is really supportive. Again I apologise if this post is out of place.
I'm not looking for answers really. I just needed to vent. Sometimes I really do bottle up my emotions for so long that it spills over. I posted on here because this community is really supportive. Again I apologise if this post is out of place.
