Feeling mentally and sexually ill (including gay harrasment)

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Confiscate, May 20, 2019.

  1. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

    I've come to the conclusion that i might be mentally ill. I'm not a professional whatsoever but i keep relapsing. My longest nofap streak in my life was probably no longer than 6 months.

    I continue relapsing every time. Now the last years my addiction to femdom has become worse than ever. It all started with M to regular porn and evolved to worshipping and M over paparazzi pics of celebs.

    Now i don't watch no regular porn anymore. My addiction has grown to paparazzi pics of celebs and femdom videos (JOI including humiliation). Yes i know it's not good for my mental health but at the very moment it feels so good. I've tried setting up filters already but keep turning them off (now i don't even bother anymore).

    Recently i moved out to a new house and had a nofap streak for 3 weeks because of being busy with the move. Yet when i was settled back in my new place i relapsed on a bored afternoon.

    I know i have to avoid but i did it just because i was bored. It feels like i'm too lazy to even think and stop myself from doing it. Why do i let myself do it and not just control myself instead?

    Sometimes i think i will hold myself and not O but eventually i do because of the dopamine release in the process.

    It feels good to write and let my feelings out here in the hope this will end some day and i could lead a happy life with a wife and kids but i'm so afraid. Afraid of what pain i could do to my future girlfriend/wife.

    I had a couple of girlfriends already and i could get a new girlfriend if i want but guess what? PMO over women... Seems like PMO feels better than regular sex sometimes.

    Hence why i'm edging the whole afternoon/all day whenever i have free time from work. I need all the help i can get. I can do it on my own though, I proved it to myself before. I did 5-6 times nofap during 3 months up to 6 months.

    The benefits feels so good. But once you relapse the road seems endless again. Getting over the flatline makes me depressed before i even start. Making it even easier to stay in the rabbit hole of me and my dirty little PMO addiction habit.

    I've PMO'd already once today and i'm getting a new urge at this very moment of typing. I'm feeling so beta right now because of all the femdom. I had enough though this 2 past weeks was a PMO marathon and i had more than enough.

    I have to quit. But i have so much negativity around me. People bringing me down. People trying to make me a beta man instead of alpha. Even people doubting my sexual preference that i'm homosexual / bisexual instead of heterosexual.

    This has become a serious issue and i feel harassed sometimes (even at work). Yes i'm in deep shit. All because of a hypocrite liar that told my circle of friends that i was gay a couple of years ago.

    People started to gossip behind my back as a result (everyone including friends from friends, girls, etc...). I broke all contact with all of those people even my best friends because i was so angry of people gossiping behind my back.

    People were mocking me, humiliating me, and having hypocrite thoughts, etc... I've deleted and blocked a bunch of people on facebook from being so angry and feeling humiliated. I no longer have any friends as a result. Back in the days i was so popular everyone liked me. I was one of the coolest guys around.

    Well a bunch of people destroyed my whole social circle and life. It has gotten so far that gossips even reached my professional life. I've encountered people i don't even know that know that hear stories over me from friends from friends about me.

    The past few years have been the worst for me. I've been thinking about committing suicide because it touched me so far. I've hold myself strong though. Luckily i've never tried suicide i'm way too proud.

    I've decided to relocate to another town and yet the gossip continues to pursue me everywhere i go. My local gym, my workplace, some people i encounter that knew me from back in the days (school, whatever).

    It's so horrible to go somewhere and encounter people who think you're gay while you're not. It destroys my pride and turns me into someone i'm not. I'm feeling worse because of it and even my family is impacted by it.

    I'm in my 20's and i'm already tired of life as a result. This is just the worst. I no longer have a social life, a social profile, no more real friends.

    The worst part is that these issues and feelings are the worst when i'm in a relapse.

    I watch and enjoy femdom videos with coerced bi-forced and gay humiliation as a result.
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  2. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    Listen to me. People are weak, which is exactly what you are witnessing right now. You need to be able to see beyond all of this. Think about all the weak shits when they go to bed. They most be so proud of themselves. But they truly aren't, and they never will be. You aren't the victim here, yes you are going through something wrong but since you haven't actually done anything, there's no real problem here.

    The people gossiping about you are just destroying themselves. They be laughing/judging at something that isn't even real, think about that. They feel awful about their own mistakes, their failures and their whole selves. They relieve these things by feeling good about someone doing bad. You should be able to smile at someone for being like this. You haven't done anything wrong, and these people are miserable. If they ever find out the truth, they will return to their own addictions they are trying to beat because they feel so worthless.

    Because nothing has happened that would actually lead to kind of "rightful" mistreatment of you, you don't need to do anything. Don't let weak people bring you down. Act as normal as you can, without thinking about these rumors. Your social circle was shallow. Nothing lost there. Just a bunch of sheep tearing each other apart. Cause something like this situation isn't a one of a kind thing, it's just a result of how those people are.

    If you keep dwelling in this situation, you are letting those people win. But just really put some sense into this, YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. How can you feel bad? You need to get out out of this mentality. You might only be seeing the weakness around you, but trust me, the truth will all come out one way or another. If you just let it. By being yourself and rising above. This is a real test for you, an opportunity to be something better than mediocre.
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  3. Confiscate

    Confiscate Fapstronaut

    I know i hear you but you have to understand that this is following me everywhere i go it's driving me crazy. This is dragging on for years now and i have to endure it. I feel humiliated by everyone especially the girls i had a secret crush on. I can't lead a normal life anymore because of it. It has even gone as far as having gay thoughts. I even thought about relocating to another country because of it.
  4. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    It takes strength to take the lead in this situation. Can you picture a situation where you are being completely calm while talking to some of the people who think they know something about you. One where they think they have the upper hand by knowing your secret and you're just going along with it. If you being gay comes up, a calm and serious "why do you think I'm gay?" should shut many up. Or something like "whatever you say", "why do you believe in rumors?", "have I ever told you I'm gay?" etc. Cause of reality, and their ignorance, you actually have the upper hand. Conversations like this will always end up in your favor, and in their loss because of the truth. Seems like even you yourself have started to believe the lies by having gay thoughts. Continuing like this won't allow you to be your calm and unbothered self.

    Being unbothered will make the people and the rumors powerless. As long as you let this affect you, you are submitting to everything the people around you are trying to make of you. And you should be unbothered. When people see you act like that and just being calm, they will think again about this whole thing. If you react in any other way than to ignore the rumors or have a calm conversation, you are enforcing the lies and also making yourself look like a victim.

    Finally, I want you to think about the person who started the rumors. Does he know the truth or did this start because of a conclusion he made?
  5. Wolf2019

    Wolf2019 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, I want to tell you first of all that you are a valuable, unique human being with infinite worth. There has never been a human being in the history of the universe with exactly your genetics, personality and life experience, and there never will be. You are one-of-a-kind. So love and treasure yourself, whether or not anyone else does.

    Secondly, it is totally normal as a young person to have a variety of thoughts, feelings, attractions. Sexuality is not so simple as categories of "gay" and "straight" and people do not always stay settled in those neat boxes everyone wants to put us into. So you tried on a "gay" identity at some point in your life with your friends. So what? Some juvenile people decided to turn that into a label to try to hurt you with it. You don't have to be juvenile along with them, trying to find out who said what about you and why. Forget them. Nobody cares about them. If you live in a small community and just can't get away from it, then move, if possible, far enough away that people don't know you, and present yourself to new people in any way you want to.

    In answer to the issue of whether or not you are mentally ill, you probably don't have the training to assess that and most people on this site don't either. I imagine most people are not entirely mentally healthy, but that doesn't mean they're "crazy" and out of touch with reality. If you truly think you are mentally unstable, talk to a professional. A counselor or psychiatrist.

    Suicide is out of the question. You are living out a unique story in which you are the hero. In every story you read or movie you watch, the hero has to go through some kinds of problems or trials, right? And the worse the problems are, the more you cheer for the hero when he is victorious. So be the hero of your story man, not just an "extra" in this movie. Take charge of yourself and start moving your life in the direction you want it to go and F--K all those F--KERs.
  6. Zorglub

    Zorglub Fapstronaut

    Hi, well , congratulation for what you've been capable of achieving already! I think it's great, I haven't been able to to go that far yet myself. I think your mixing different problem and you need to treat them separately. As far as people thinking that you're gay, who gives a f%%K? I was teased/bullied at school and called a faggot because I wasn't the typical alpha boy. Now I'm married with great wife and great kids. You have to remember that deep down, nobody cares. They might make a stupid comment as I'm sure some people might make about me still, but if they fantasise about your sexuality, they have a problem, not you, but most of the time people say things they don't really think and they forgot 5 minutes later. And to be honest, when I sense somebody has a doubt I might be gay, sometimes I entertain that doubt, it's fun and then I'm in control.
    Wolf2019 likes this.

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