I've come to the conclusion that i might be mentally ill. I'm not a professional whatsoever but i keep relapsing. My longest nofap streak in my life was probably no longer than 6 months. I continue relapsing every time. Now the last years my addiction to femdom has become worse than ever. It all started with M to regular porn and evolved to worshipping and M over paparazzi pics of celebs. Now i don't watch no regular porn anymore. My addiction has grown to paparazzi pics of celebs and femdom videos (JOI including humiliation). Yes i know it's not good for my mental health but at the very moment it feels so good. I've tried setting up filters already but keep turning them off (now i don't even bother anymore). Recently i moved out to a new house and had a nofap streak for 3 weeks because of being busy with the move. Yet when i was settled back in my new place i relapsed on a bored afternoon. I know i have to avoid but i did it just because i was bored. It feels like i'm too lazy to even think and stop myself from doing it. Why do i let myself do it and not just control myself instead? Sometimes i think i will hold myself and not O but eventually i do because of the dopamine release in the process. It feels good to write and let my feelings out here in the hope this will end some day and i could lead a happy life with a wife and kids but i'm so afraid. Afraid of what pain i could do to my future girlfriend/wife. I had a couple of girlfriends already and i could get a new girlfriend if i want but guess what? PMO over women... Seems like PMO feels better than regular sex sometimes. Hence why i'm edging the whole afternoon/all day whenever i have free time from work. I need all the help i can get. I can do it on my own though, I proved it to myself before. I did 5-6 times nofap during 3 months up to 6 months. The benefits feels so good. But once you relapse the road seems endless again. Getting over the flatline makes me depressed before i even start. Making it even easier to stay in the rabbit hole of me and my dirty little PMO addiction habit. I've PMO'd already once today and i'm getting a new urge at this very moment of typing. I'm feeling so beta right now because of all the femdom. I had enough though this 2 past weeks was a PMO marathon and i had more than enough. I have to quit. But i have so much negativity around me. People bringing me down. People trying to make me a beta man instead of alpha. Even people doubting my sexual preference that i'm homosexual / bisexual instead of heterosexual. This has become a serious issue and i feel harassed sometimes (even at work). Yes i'm in deep shit. All because of a hypocrite liar that told my circle of friends that i was gay a couple of years ago. People started to gossip behind my back as a result (everyone including friends from friends, girls, etc...). I broke all contact with all of those people even my best friends because i was so angry of people gossiping behind my back. People were mocking me, humiliating me, and having hypocrite thoughts, etc... I've deleted and blocked a bunch of people on facebook from being so angry and feeling humiliated. I no longer have any friends as a result. Back in the days i was so popular everyone liked me. I was one of the coolest guys around. Well a bunch of people destroyed my whole social circle and life. It has gotten so far that gossips even reached my professional life. I've encountered people i don't even know that know that hear stories over me from friends from friends about me. The past few years have been the worst for me. I've been thinking about committing suicide because it touched me so far. I've hold myself strong though. Luckily i've never tried suicide i'm way too proud. I've decided to relocate to another town and yet the gossip continues to pursue me everywhere i go. My local gym, my workplace, some people i encounter that knew me from back in the days (school, whatever). It's so horrible to go somewhere and encounter people who think you're gay while you're not. It destroys my pride and turns me into someone i'm not. I'm feeling worse because of it and even my family is impacted by it. I'm in my 20's and i'm already tired of life as a result. This is just the worst. I no longer have a social life, a social profile, no more real friends. The worst part is that these issues and feelings are the worst when i'm in a relapse. I watch and enjoy femdom videos with coerced bi-forced and gay humiliation as a result.