Feeling so lost

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by WorldTurnedUpsidedown, Jan 11, 2019.

  1. WorldTurnedUpsidedown

    WorldTurnedUpsidedown New Fapstronaut

    My sister told me about this site, she got great comfort from it when her husband and her went through some major issues about his porn use. I am hoping that some people on here can tell me that I'm not alone and what I should do.

    On Tuesday I found out that my wife, the mother of our three children, has been using porn daily for at least four years. What is ironic is that when we were dating, more than a decade ago, she asked me not look at porn. I threw out the one magazine I had from a cousin and never looked back. I feel so incredibly betrayed and humiliated.

    The worst part is that she has also been doing cyber sex with guys form around the world when I'm at work and the kids are at school, sharing pictures and videos with complete strangers - she even set up an account and has tried being a "cam girl". And she filmed it in our bedroom!

    She says she is willing to change, and that she doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know what to do.
    Lilla_My and anewhope like this.
  2. Manchild

    Manchild Fapstronaut

    Hey man,
    That must be really tough to deal with right now, and I’m not excusing any of her behaviour when I say the following..
    All addictive behaviour is the result of some kind of trauma, alchohol, heroin, etc
    It becomes difficult to understand when is sex addiction
    But if you want to carry on with the relationship you have to view it as her wanting to numb some kind of emotional pain
    If she is willing to do work also that is
  3. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Lots to learn about
    sex addiction for you and her.

    Get yourself into a program.

    Possibly S-anon or cosa?

    A CSAT therapist might help?

    With the kids likely
    both of you are motivated?

    Start a journal for yourself.

  4. WorldTurnedUpsidedown

    WorldTurnedUpsidedown New Fapstronaut

    Thank you everybody for your suggestions. We are going to start couples therapy on Friday. I am still reeling from all of this.
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    This is very encouraging that she is willing to go to therapy with you!

    Might I also suggest a 12 step program for her like SA, SAA, or SLAA. My husband attends SA meetings and he said there are a number of women that also attend.

    It's a wonderful thing that she wants to sddress her addiction and start recovery.
    Trappist likes this.
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are definitely not alone and there are many SO's who can relate to your feelings of betrayal. What you are going through is called Betrayal Trauma.

    Below are some links I just shared with another SO that may help.

    There are many good books on Betrayal Trauma. One I would suggest reading is "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse - How Partners can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffans & Marsha Means. This helped me a lot. It's available on Kindle through Amazon.

    Also, there's a site called Bloom that has a lot of free courses on betrayal trauma - https://bloomforwomen.com/
    It says for women, but the context would apply equally to the betrayed man.

    You'll find lots of good information throughout the threads here, and there is a thread where many have contributed different articles / video resources for both PA & SO.... https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/resources-that-are-helpful-to-both-pa-and-so.108414/

    Many have started a journal to just help process and vent their thoughts and feelings. Check out the significant other journals.

    Another free workshop for partners, available on another site but still very good is The Partners Healing Workshop.

    I hope some of these suggestions might be helpful to you and that you find comfort and support in this community. Xxx

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