Feeling the need to share my whole story

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Thistimeitsfinal, Mar 19, 2019.

  1. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    I have decided to re-post this to the rebooting in a relationship forum as well as the 40+ forum, hope this is OK, if not some please let me know that the etiquette is out of line!

    So I am new on this forum but not new on this journey, and although I have posted a few snippets of my situation, I am feeling the need to share my whole story. It may be a bit long, and you need not read it all, however I feel it is therapeutic to write it down and share it knowing that somebody may read it and feel like they are not alone in this. This is where I am drawing strength and encouragement from, and I thank you all!
    I am 55 and been happily married for 30 years, have a beautiful wife, two amazing kids who are educated, and both have full time jobs. So in all respects I have a lot to wreck should I not sort this out once and for all.
    The habit of masturbation started, as most of us, as a teenager but never stopped there. I went through the years of finding porn literature, both written and photographic, and of course then on to the internet. It was about 4 years ago that I was caught by my wife, and this was devastating to her. I tried to justify the fact that although I did this, I was never unfaithful (and this is true) and that it "was OK" because of that. I did however agree to give it up. This I did for a time, however I never gave up masturbation and soon I had resorted to just looking at naked pics, but of course it is a slippery slope and this sent me into a total relapse again.
    After getting caught watching P yet again, and given up yet another chance to sort myself out, I tried again. I visited a Christian therapist who suggested a couple of books to read, which I did, and I was good for a fairly long streak.
    I gave up the hard stuff for good, but again not the masturbation and this is of course the killer. Now it was the "PSUB" as they call it, Instagram, Facebook etc. I thought it was harmless, this is not P, but how wrong I was. So although I had been clear of the P for a few years, my problem had not gone away. Ogling at women was another big distraction and problem for me, one that I am still fighting daily.
    So while on a fantastic vacation in the Caribbean just last month, my wife caught me looking at Instagram pics. What a fool, spoiling what was to be a dream trip for us, and again losing trust in wife who by this time, and understandably so, is losing patience with me. It was this time around that I discovered this site, and the great resources that it supplies. It is clearly the complete abstaining from masturbation and PSUB that will be the key for me to reset my brain. I am so grateful to have a patient wife that is giving me chance after chance, and I pray that this is the last time that I hurt her. We men do simply not realize the hurt we are causing in our relationships.
    So here we go for the 90 day challenge!
    My one struggle, when I hopefully resume the relationship with my wife, will be the "chaser effect". I did not know it existed until I read about it here but for me it is very real and will take a concerted effort not to want to masturbate a day or so after sex. But so far so good, I am going to do this!
     
  2. Well done on sharing your story. Sometimes it can be a help to let it out and give you a chance to breath and look back on everything so you can process it.
     
    Butterfly1988, Nugget9 and Mourde like this.
  3. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    It is for sure, and knowing that there are so many more guys struggling along with us! Thanks for the support.
     
    Butterfly1988 and Mourde like this.
  4. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

    471
    935
    93
    Glad to hear your story! Keep up the good fight!
     
  5. Great story man. So you're stopping Instagram and fb? Anything else?
     
    Butterfly1988, Nugget9 and Mourde like this.
  6. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    I have not stopped them altogether but look briefly only at family and friends posts. One has to purposely stray away to search / creep o5er images and I am so far being successful
     
  7. blazer72

    blazer72 Fapstronaut

    33
    54
    18
    Good share. I also gave up pintrest and most things internet. I don't read news stories from google anymore because of the adds that are all over the new content. I just read the headlines. Good luck.
     
  8. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    I stay away from the "Search" area of Instagram, as that is where all the bad images appear as suggested things to follow. Would love to know how to clear that? It must be based on previous search history.
     
  9. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    As to the chaser effect, I think the best solution is just to get your wife to help you of it gets too much to handle (it is Not too much to handle really, but that is a little easier said than done). Her manual stimulation is better than yours. Turn towards her and not away and has the added benefit of showing her you are learning about this and making changes so you don't slip again.

    That's my plan if the chaser effect is too much (post reboot)
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  10. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    Thanks man, sounds like a plan, good advice if i struggle.
     
  11. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    Update time: I did not mention one key factor that led me to find this forum as well as a way to sort out my problem once and for all: My wife actually removed her wedding ring, handed it to me and said we will be “unmarried” until I decide that I’m healed. After thirty years, that brought me down to size!
    Well fast forward to Easter Sunday, 52 days after starting my hard reboot, I decided it was time to give it back to her. I picked Easter Sunday as the lent period is a time of renewal and self reflection (I gave up alcohol for lent too) and this turned out to be very meaningful to us both. She accepted my offer of placing the ring back on her finger and I was incredibly relieved and happy. I did tell her that I intend to complete my 90 days before we resume any intimacy, and as hard as that is I will do it.
    So life is good, roll on day 90 so I can take it to the next level!
     
    Hopefulgirl, blazer72, bfdet and 4 others like this.
  12. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    That's awesome! Keep up the good work.

    My wife took off her wedding ring too, although I only really knew that PMO and her feeling I didn't care about her was part of the issue later.

    ....I though it was simply that it was damaged looking after kids in the play ground and once fixed she didn't want to have it happen again. It's nice to see it back on, isn't it!
     
  13. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    It is a great feeling yes!
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  14. DetroitRok

    DetroitRok Fapstronaut

    171
    519
    93
    That must have been devastating and a wake up call. Thanks for your story!
     
    Thistimeitsfinal likes this.
  15. bfdet

    bfdet Fapstronaut

    1,074
    899
    113
    hi 'Final !

    Good job ! Keep going. You can do this. Reach out here if you need some support; there is always good advice available.

    one day at a time is how we all succeed.
     
    Thistimeitsfinal likes this.
  16. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

    166
    203
    43
    92 day ! Gratz man ! Good work !
     
    Thistimeitsfinal likes this.
  17. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

    153
    268
    63
    Thanks for all the good wishes and support, it makes it so much easier knowing we are not alone!
     

Share This Page