Feeling very frustrated, but also lucky and proud .

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Chefb87, Sep 28, 2020.

  1. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    I know.. my feelings are all over the place ! Let me explain.

    I'm single , with almost 530 days in recovery. I've learned so much about myself and the amount of powerlessness I have with my sexual compulsivity. I've realised that innocent flirting for me is hard to stop once it begins. It feels so good why would you want to stop , especially if you're single !
    Well this woman at work I've had feelings for and I have found it so incredibly hard to around her without flirting , or talking with her , or giving hugs . And I know she feels the exact same way . There is this energy between us. I can tell she likes me alot .
    The thing is... She has two kids, and a boyfriend ( father of the children ) a few months ago I felt like it we keep going the way we're going we're going to cross boundaries so I explained to her that I need to take a few steps back before it's too late. She thought it was a good idea too. But the past couple months I've allowed my boundaries to soften. And were back to hugging and flirting , but each day we're getting closer and closer and closer to a boundaries that once it's crossed you can't uncross ( kiss )
    Today I had another conversation with her explaining just that. And she agreed. Then after we went for a drink... ( I knew better )
    And we were so close to kissing, it took everything in me to turn around and just get in my car and drive.
    So I'm so frustrated because it just sucks to deny my instant gratification. Old me would of totally crossed that line a long time ago and then dealt with destruction after . So it's frustrating that I didn't just "go for it " especially when I knew she wanted it just as much.
    I'm feeling lucky because I put myself in a very triggering , high risk situation but got out of it without crossing that absolute boundary .

    Sometimes recovery just sucks, but I truly do know this feeling will fade. And that even though I know ive allowed myself to be sucked in already too much , I did what was right .

    Thanks for letting me vent. Lol UGH haha
     
  2. It's hard for me to relate because my mo has been to avoid women who are

    already in relationships.

    The reason is because there are TONS of single women out there,

    and more than once I've chased after women with boyfriends,

    which was frustrating and fruitless.

    Sometimes they made me think things were going to turn around,

    and there was a little flirty behavior, just as you depicted.

    But if she's telling you that her ex and the father of her kids is her "boyfriend",

    then you are on a suicide mission.

    Because what happens is that this guy doesn't know about you yet.

    So he thinks she's going to come back to him,

    and what she is probably doing is keeping him in love with her for money.

    And she keeps you on the side in case he goes sour on her.

    Her "flirtation" is just manipulation so that she can get what she wants from both.

    But one day, he's going to find out about you, and that could be dangerous.

    Especially if one day she decides to go with you, he will no doubt become enraged.

    But how do you win in that situation?

    You can't. And if you marry her, that's a trap too because now you have to support her kids.

    That will suck because they aren't yours, and that dude will resent you,

    and also, he will be around, to see the kids, and hopefully her too.

    Then, if you divorce her, you get to pay for her kids that aren't yours.

    That romantic haze you are in is leading you down a bad road.

    Kick her to the curb, and get a single woman.

    Don't be blinded by this feeling of love, take my suggestion.
     
    Freeddom_Taker, Metis07 and Chefb87 like this.
  3. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks!

    I've always had an extremely hard time with lust. I'm battling what my addict wants to do with what is the "right " thing to do .
    My addict is really pissed off right now because I denied it . Alot of high, mixed emotionsbecause if this situation that happened today.
     
  4. I can't prove this, but I noticed on your badge, you still O.

    That is a problem, or has been for me, because the brain never resets.

    What happens is that it gets some small chunks of time,

    but then when withdraws happen, probably you amp up the pursuit of a woman.

    So then you get 5 days here, 3 days, 8 days, like that, but

    if you orgasm, you can't heal and get the benefits of this NoFap on easy mode.

    That's why it doesn't help people, easy modes.

    Your thinking is still jacked up because of dopamine.

    You need a hard mode reboot for 90 days until you will understand why you need it.

    Until then, you are going to get yanked around by women, by sexual desires,

    and by shifty emotions.

    It's like you are relapsing over and over again, which reeks havok on the brain and life in general.

    Just a friendly opinion from a guy who has been there.
     
    Chefb87 likes this.
  5. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the advice . Ive actually started no P no M and no O whatsoever on August 21.
    And have given myself at the very least until April 18,2021 to give myself that time to my self. I, along with my inner child deserves that time just for myself .
    Thank you for your response . Yesterday was a very rough, and frustrating day and it meant alot to see your response. Thank you !
     
  6. You are welcome. It's going to be a rough process for a while.

    Accept it.
     
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  7. sclguy

    sclguy Fapstronaut

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    You're on the right path. You HAVE to piss off the addict in you, because that's exactly the side of you you need to get rid off. Don't give in to what he wants you to do. He's an asshole, and just wants to devour you from the inside!
     
  8. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Even though I know I crossed some boundaries. I didn't cross BIG ones.. I think this feels like the first time I really denied myself that instant gratification I would of totally went for before recovery.
    This is progress.
     
  9. sclguy

    sclguy Fapstronaut

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    I feel you, bro!
    Not here to judge. Just keep in mind that the addict won't ever help you get anything worthwile, if not a short and ultimately disappointing "rush."
     
  10. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    I know what you mean. What this situation was going to bring was utter destructions. After that 1 moment of bliss
     
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  11. sclguy

    sclguy Fapstronaut

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    I don't even know if it would really be bliss. Seems like a potentially toxic situation to me, and one you might want to avoid at all costs.

    And while I do not want to express judgement, and even if it's entirely possible that she might be unhappy with her boyfriend, she might also just simply get off on getting so much attention from someone else and potentially cheating on him, and might therefore be trying to use you.

    You would be much better off meeting someone else down the line. It might be a test from the universe to see if you have what it takes to go through with your recovery and look for healthier experiences, instead or something potentially toxic the addict craves so much!
     
  12. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    I think the one moment of bliss would be the 5 minutes of crossing the boundaries. And then after that instant regret
     
    sclguy likes this.
  13. sclguy

    sclguy Fapstronaut

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    And in my opinion, something you (instantly) regret afterwards is not true bliss. It's a dopamine-fueled illusion.
     
    Chefb87 likes this.
  14. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    " Dopamine - fueled illusion. ". I like that. Thank you !
     
  15. sclguy

    sclguy Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome!
     
  16. Yeah that is good advice. Once someone becomes "addicted", their brain is in self-destruct mode.

    It can be porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever.
     
    sclguy likes this.

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