Feelings of remorse

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blackswan, Feb 8, 2018.

  1. Blackswan

    Blackswan Fapstronaut

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    those of you who are married and had a porn addiction... please help me understand if u felt remorse... complete and utter regret and pain for hurting ur spouse... pain to the point that you never wanted to associate urself in porn again... if u did... when did that happen for u?
     
  2. Yes, I felt that way @Blackswan ... when did that happen? I cannot say exactly. According to my Carnes book, grief is the 4th stage (after Developing, Crisis/Decision, Shock) -- for me, my Developing stage was post-DDay for 5.5 months; my Crisis/Decision stage was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I fell back into porn for one evening/morning session that then led me to find NoFap by the Friday after Thanksgiving; I think I have been in the Shock stage for the last 2.5 months.

    I feel like the Grief stage is right around the corner.

    That being said, I feel remorse .. daily. I feel horrible for secretly viewing porn for 20+ years (the entirety of our marriage) but more so for how that affected my wife, our relationship, my emotional shallowness, the loss of so many years of close, real intimacy, etc. During those 20+ years, I didn't feel any remorse .. I was lying to myself that my porn habit wasn't hurting our marriage .. but since facing and realizing the damage it has caused, I feel horrible, wretched, etc.

    I hope that answers your question.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  3. Question w/o Answers

    Question w/o Answers Fapstronaut

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    Blackswan,

    I have felt remorse whenever I Jacked off. Pretty much everytime. I felt more remorse after marriage, greater remorse when using porn materials and the greatest remorse when I did so with the family's computer with my wife and kids asleep upstairs.

    But I can only live with so much remorse and self pity. There comes a time when I need to man up and move on. That does not mean I will never relapse. BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON MY DESIRE TO GROW UP AND BE CLEAN and get more out of life.
    I ain't perfect. Plenty of people are not going to forgive my many mistakes. I am just human and I must accept the grace to forgive myself and move on. Honestly. Thick skin can be a form of wisdom and righteousness.
    "I am what I am" - Popeye?
     
  4. Blackswan

    Blackswan Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply’s
    My husband has always been emotionless... dead inside...is coming out of a porn addiction going to make him actually sympathize with the pain he has put me thru?
     
  5. Good question @Blackswan ... Is he on NoFap? There are great resources on here thay can help him see the poison that porn is to him and his marriage.
     
  6. Question w/o Answers

    Question w/o Answers Fapstronaut

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    Some of my favorite people in this world are people who sobered up from drugs/alcohol for >2years.
    They often are different than the rest of humanity. But they are still who they are.

    How do we change? Grace, usually via suffering, prayer, discipline and age?
     
    Trappist and TryingHard2Change like this.
  7. Xander74

    Xander74 Fapstronaut

    Hi there, after DDay I thought I felt remorse in what I had done to my wife but on reflection it was regret, shame and anger I had been caught. My mind clouded by the addiction and my brain closed off to emotions outside my own self. I'm now a few months clear and can say about the one month point my thoughts are clearing and have now felt true remorse. What has helped is reading the testimonies of the SOs on this forum. The event was so devastating to my wife we don't talk about it, I just check in occasionally about my recovery. Reading posts by @Sadgirl and @Katrina Rose for example, reflect how my wife feels and it hurts me so much that I have put her through something so dreadful. I hope your situation heals a fraction every day, ours has.
     

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